Xena: Hooves and Harlots by Mkarl (Parody, Centaur/woman, Rape, NC, WS)

By Mkarl

Okay. Xena Warrior Princess fighter of evil and righter of wrongs. Tuff
girl but really, in the real world we just know what would be done to
the bitch when she loses the battle.

I don't watch the show myself as I actually have a little taste, but
the odd advertisement I have seen lets me know that this program could
be made a hell of a lot more interesting with some very simple
alterations to the plot line and the sex quotient.

Okay here is the basic pre-pornovision story line Xena [played by
starlet Lucy Lawless] and a friend get caught up in a contrived little
plot complication where a group of amazons are being maneuvered into a
battle with a group of centaurs by an evil warlord. Of course, Xena
sees through everything kicks some ass and saves the day. [Great
entertainment if you are twelve years old or just desperate for some
T&A, but I think a touch of PornoVision can really spark this dead
horse up.]

The rewrite starts where Xena goes looking for the centaurs who she has
been told are evil. She is not too sure but this time the warrior-bitch
is wrong.

Centaur 1 heeiggh [horse sound as he gallops out from behind the

Centaur 2 Take the amazon cunt.

Centaur 3 Quickly brothers.

[Xena is quickly surrounded by these fairly realistic looking centaurs.
Hell for the purpose of this fantasy, let us assume that they are real
centaurs. Now the warrior princess does one of those phony jumps and
clears the herd.]

Xena What is the meaning of this? I come in peace.

Centaur 2 And you will leave in pieces amazon bitch. [He swings at
her with a mace, which she just barely ducks.]

Xena I know that you did not kill the amazon princess Listen
to me. Take me to your leader Tyldus. He knows me well.

[okay revisionist history time.]

Centaur 1 Tyldus is dead bitch He was old and week and I ate his
heart. Now we centaurs will enslave you amazon bitches to be our
breeding stock.

[Xena draws her sword or those stupid ring things and does some phony
looking fighting with the three horny centaurs Ideally, I would like
their cocks beginning to show to kind of keep the viewers tuned in
because the fight scenes are just normally pure crap from the few
seconds of the series I have been forced to endure. Still fan boys need
their fix too so imagine the warrior-bitch kicking some horse's ass for
half a segment or so and doing some of those stupid screams and phony

Centaur 4 We are coming brothers [not yet your not big guy, but
considering that you are just one of a couple dozen new entries into
the battle, you most assuredly soon will be.]

Xena [breaking character] oh fuck Nooo!

[Centaurs all swarm on the warrior bitch until she disappears in a sea
of horsemanity. Perhaps the camera can pick up pieces of the tacky
outfit as they come flying out of the pile until the big horse's asses
start to clear away and we are left with a battered and beaten, naked
Xena being held suspended in midair by Centaur 1 as he rears back onto
his hind legs and lets his twenty plus inches of horse cock dominate
the screen. Now if that is not a good enough scene to hold an audience
through a commercial break, I don't know what would be.]

[Following the commercial break, the action has moved back to the base
camp of the Centaurs There are a few hundred of the horny animals but
most will need to wait until episode two when they overrun the amazon
encampment before they get their release. Xena is bound and gagged
which is always a nice sight but seeing the obvious beating she has
received to bruise up her hard body makes the average pervert be happy
for the long lasting effectiveness of videotape recordings. The camera
can stay on our totally defeated Xena as she softly sobs into her gag
until Centaur number 2 breaks the silence.]

Centaur 2 You cut me today bitch. Centaur 1 said we must wait but
you are getting raped now.

Xena [into her gag] mmmrgpnooo

[Actually, I am keeping the dialogue purposely light at the honest
truth is that when you mix a pail of ice cream with a pail of pig shit,
all you get is two pails of pig shit. Even my writing can't save the
dialogue component of Xena unless the whole show was recast Now I
personally think that spending the extra money to hire real centaurs
would be a great touch, but while I am sure that such mythological
creatures would have huge cocks and be able to totally fuck up miss
Lawless, I doubt that they would be able to act any more Shakespearean
then the group of community theater players the show normally employs.
Therefore, the less talking and more fucking I write into the script,
the more I am sure everyone will enjoy the final product.]

Centaur 173 [I really should name these animal-men but the numbers
seem stupider] I get to sire her second foal.

Centaur 2 Of course, [a horse is a horse of course, of course,
sorry I digress] now keep alert while I service this amazon cunt.

[Okay If the show is lucky enough to have a real centaur, then I
envision Xena being cut loose for use. The bitch obviously tries to
save herself and gives us an excuse for some gratuitous male on female
violence. Centaur smashes bitch Centaur smashes bitch again Centaur
takes bitch by the hair and lifts her up to smush a kiss to warrior-
bitch's mouth.]

Xena I will cut your heart out.

Centaur 2 Not tonight bitch, now service me cunt.

[Centaur pushes the naked Xena down to her knees and jumps up with his
fore legs up on a bail or something so his huge horse cock can be at
Xena's mouth. Now if the production is using fake centaurs, I see a
computer animated thing happening here where the Centaur can use a
horse paw [hoof?] to like push [pull?] at Xena's head to force her to
start sucking horse cock. If we have the preferred option of a real
flesh and blood centaur then I guess maybe the man/horse should like
jump up and down [stamp?] on the bitch until it looks like she is half
dead or something maybe the animal is flexible enough to reach down and
use his human hands to hold the bitch while he chokes her on his huge
horse cock? I have never even seen a straight horse rape a human before
so forgive me if I need to offer a few alternatives as to what might
come off looking the best. I see Xena sucking the big horse's cock with
a camera close-up though.]

Xena [substitute tacky cock-sucking and gagging noises here]

Centaur 2 [substitute horse breeding and heavy snorting sounds

Centaur 173 Suck centaur cock, harlot.

Centaur 2 [whinnying] Take my give warrior-whore.

[Real centaur has real cum shot into Xena's face. Horses cum a lot and
I imagine that her facial features should get totally obliterated in a
thick, sticky splash of the slimy spunk. I would like to play up the
humiliation of Xena's oral violation and have the centaur begin his cum
in her mouth before pulling out to let her start to choke and spit to
show that she had been nearly drowned in the foul foal-making seed of
the centaur's huge fuck stick. The centaur should still have plenty of
love juice to just soak the beaten and thoroughly defeated warrior
princess. Everyone loves a girl getting her face soaked by a big
horse's cock.

Fake centaur could be substituted for by a real horse for this scene or
some sort of life size model I do think real horse's cum should be used
to soak Lucy Lawless for authenticity's sake.

Anyhow celebrate the money shot and I guess that is where episode I of
the two parter would be ending.]


Okay I see Centaur 1 finding the totally fucked Xena screwed to within
an inch of her life. The big horse/man is furious as he wanted her to
mare for his line of thoroughbreds. Xena can look like she is lying in
a puddle of horse's sperm. Camera close-up shows it running down her
very battered looking and totally obviously fucked pussy. The big
Centaur just lifts a leg and pisses down onto her face to show his
disgust what a filthy slut she was.

[The fuck scene does not get included so the series can market one of
those bull shit hot video offers like Jerry Springer's Too Hot for TV,
or the Highlander European editions. Just assume that Xena really got
the fuck pounded out of her with a 600-900 pound animal riding her ass
and fucking twenty plus inches of horse cock into a cunt made for half
that. If you need a more disgusting description of horse sex, read on
and maybe Argo will get his mistress too.]

Centaur 2 The Amazon bitch seems to have found a lover.

Centaur 1 She was to be mine.

Centaur 2 Obviously the bitch was in season If you were not horse
enough to smell her heat then that is your loss.

Centaur 1 [raising his mace] No one defies me.

[centaur 69 fires an arrow through the heart of centaur 1 from behind]

Centaur 1 [dying noise]

Centaur 2 So ends the reign of the unimaginative Clydesdale. Gather
your maces brothers as there will be human cunt for all when we conquer
the amazon harlots this day.

All Centaurs [crowd noises and cheers]

[Commercial break followed by a plot slow down of some sort of bull
shit scene at the amazon encampment maybe some hot lesbian thing or
just a sexy little cat fight to build the anticipation. Centaurs are
filmed marching and the defeated and destroyed Xena is brought along
for the ride Bound on her horse Argo. The great stallion carries his
once proud mistress now, but he will soon be the one doing the riding
of her hot ass. [shameless tease]]

Xena [into her gag] mrrrgh. [boy her dialogue from my scripts
has been the best delivered of any acting she has ever done so far by
the beauty actress.]

Centaur 53 [is anyone actually keeping track?] Quiet amazon whore
Soon all your sisters will be ours. [yup.]

[okay the camera does a mood shot of the horse/men surrounding the
amazon base Some scary/suspenseful type music plays/and we cut out to
another commercial]

PornoVision is brought to you exclusively by mkarl Internet
Pornographer Services: a division of the mkarl family of erotic
literature licenses. For information on how to find the complete works
of mkarl as well as to just correspond on any of the fine product
releases of mkarl or The Depraved Canuck, [email protected] That
was [email protected], all mails welcomed and replied to.

[okay Shameless plug inserted. Now for the payoff battle. Centaurs rush
the amazons. Half-naked warrior bitches everywhere are scurrying around
trying to find weapons. The Centaurs are striking them down with maces
which you would think should be splitting their heads open, but this is
a fantasy show so lets just have the girls getting erotically if
horrifically knocked unconscious for their eventual defeats. For the
sickos in the audience let's have the battle last a good ten minutes so
we can get lots of action of girls getting the fuck beat out of them.
Some horses jumping on bitches Some sex started maybe Amazon harlots
getting dragged off by the hair. Etc Etc.]

Centaur 2 [dragging the totally fucked and devastated Xena into the
midst of defeated amazons] Now we celebrate.

[Final commercial break scene returns and there is just like a half
hour of every form of gratuitous rape and violence and total sex that
you can imagine between centaurs and Amazons. Girls get huge horse
cocks gagged down their throats rammed up their asses and bred in their
fertile cunts. Often all three methods occur simultaneously [okay, I
don't know if that is mechanically possible, but it is a great image so
just picture it.]

Girls scream and shriek as horses neigh and whinny. Pretty clear on the
winners and losers. This all carries on until it gets ridiculous and
then the camera breaks to our Xena who has had her restraints removed
and is in a tent with centaur 2 and Argo [her stallion.]

Centaur 2 you will make a fine mare for my foals. You still need to
learn your proper place bitch. The horse in us makes us superior to
you. For too long has this beast been forced to bare your burden but
now you will bare his.

Xena Ugggghhh [as the horse jumps his full weight on her back.]

[Argo comes down with a hoof on Xena, driving the poor bitch straight
into the ground. He jumps again and lands his front hooves on some
straw bales so he will not break Xena's [Lucy Lawless's] back. The
horse gets his huge, ugly, slimy horse cock fucked hard into Xena's
warrior-cunt. The horse flares his nostrils and just gets medieval on
screwing the bitch into oblivion. Don't know if she survives and don't
really care I guess you can assume she does and delivers the first of
many champion foals some several months later The show is effectively
unable to really film any new story lines but I think a straight to
home video of Lucy foaling would be sick enough to back a bundle on the
black-market porn industry.

Anyhow that is about all I can manage for a crappy show that I can't
watch and can't really care about. If the television adventures of Xena
ever takes her into an encounter with the minotaur, let me know as that
is one thing I could really have some fun with.]

You can contact the author with your praise or critiques at
[email protected] I really am almost as twisted as my writing
makes me seem and find it fun to correspond with others of similar

The Depraved Canuck


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