The following piece of fiction contains strong sexual content and is meant to
be read only by adults. If you are not at least 18 years old, or if you are
offended by this type of material, please do not read any further.
Seinfeld: The Tingle (M/F,F/F,oral)
by DG ([email protected])
[The coffee shop. Jerry is sitting alone in a booth reading the menu, which
he knows by heart.]
Elaine Benes walked into the coffee shop at the usual time and sat down
across from Jerry Seinfeld in their usual booth.
The big, pink-uniformed waitress came over, poured them both coffee, and
asked "What'll it be?"
The waitress nodded and shuffled away.
"So how's it going?" asked Jerry. "You look kinda tired. Hot date last
Elaine shook her head and made a face, her thick, dark hair swishing back
and forth. "No date. I just went out with a girlfriend - Alyssa, from
Pendant publishing. She works for an internet company now. Remember her?"
"Let's see: about five-five, a hundred and ten pounds, long blond hair,
cute little button nose, great body, worked in accounting?"
"Yeah, that's right," she snorted. "You know, how well a guy remembers a
woman is directly proportional to how attractive she is, isn't it?"
Jerry nodded and raised his eyebrows. "Now that you mention it, that's
exactly right. Very perceptive of you."
"Thanks." She stirred her coffee for a few seconds, and said rhetorically
"So you think Alyssa is attractive."
"Yes, she's quite comely, as a matter of fact. I wanted to ask her out, but
you wouldn't let me, remember?"
"Right, it was too soon after we broke up."
"It was two years after we broke up!"
"Was it? Sorry."
"Yeah well, she wasn't really my type anyway. She's kind of a giggler, as
I recall. A little giggling is OK, but I really prefer a regular laugh to
Elaine shook her head wonderingly and said "And you wonder why you're still
"I'm a comedian, Elaine - the laugh is important. So why do you bring it
up? Did she ask about me?"
"Nope." Elaine looked around to make sure no one was eavesdropping, and
then leaned closer across the table. "I'm going to tell you something, but
you've got to put it in the vault, all right?"
Jerry made a zipping motion across his lips. "In the vault, you got it."
"OK. Alyssa and I went out to dinner, and then we went out to a bar and had
some drinks. We talked about all the problems we had with men, what losers
they all are, that sort of thing. We both got a little tipsy."
"This is just fascinating, Elaine."
"OK, ok. Alyssa started telling me how she had a crush on this girl back
in college, and now she was wondering if maybe she was a closet lesbian
and that's why she can't find a man she's happy with. She's kind of a
touchy-feely type, and while she was telling me this she put her hand on
my knee." Her voice fell to a near-whisper. "And it tingled."
"What tingled? Your knee?"
Elaine looked annoyed. "It. Tingled," she said a little louder.
Jerry's eyes suddenly got wide. "Ohhhhh! It tingled!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure. It definitely tingled."
"Doesn't it sometimes just tingle, sort of randomly?"
"No, not like this. This was a more purposeful tingle."
Jerry nodded thoughtfully. "Uh, just so we're clear, we're talking about
your pussy, right?"
"Yes, Jerry, we're talking about my pussy."
Neither of them had seen Kramer walk into the coffee shop.
"Hey! What are you two talking about? You look like you're planning a
crime or something, all hunched over the table like that."
Elaine jerked upright, spilling her coffee. She put her hand on her chest
and said "God, Kramer, you scared the hell out of me. Do you have to yell?"
Kramer slid in next to Jerry. "So what are you talking about?"
Jerry said "Well, as a matter of fact, we were on the extremely interesting
Elaine gave him a look that could have cut through steel.
"-dandruff," he finished smoothly. "I mean, when you use one of those
medicated shampoos do you really have to feel that little tingle to know
it's working? Can't it just work without that special little tingle?"
Elaine gave him a dirty look, but then had to laugh.
"No, no, no," said Kramer. "You don't want to use that stuff. Orange juice
mixed with heavy cream - that's the best thing for dandruff."
"Oh, right, that sounds like something I want to put in my hair," said Jerry.
The subject having been successfully changed, they chatted for a little while
and then Kramer looked at his watch.
"I gotta run. Time to pick up my new computer." He rubbed his hands
together gleefully. "I'm very excited."
"I didn't know you were into computers," said Elaine.
"Well, I wasn't - I thought they were just big paperweights. But I was over
at Newman's apartment the other day and he really opened my eyes to the
possibilities. Did you know you can see pictures of people having sex right
on your screen?"
"Yes Kramer," said Elaine with distaste. "Everyone knows that."
"Well, nobody told me. I'll see you two later." He finished his coffee in
one long gulp and headed out.
"Nice of him to drop by for a chat," said Elaine sarcastically.
"The good news is, he won't come out of his apartment for weeks now. Now,
where were we...oh yes! You were telling me about your lesbian experience
"Very funny. Nothing happened, of course. But now I can't stop thinking
"Look, what's the big deal? You know you like men - you've always liked men.
You know what team you're on...why are you so worried?"
"Well, what if I like women too but I just never realized it? I mean, to use
your silly metaphor, I've never played for the other team, so how do I know I
wouldn't like it?"
"Hmmm - this is interesting. You think you might want to play for both teams
at the same time?"
"I'm not doing very well on my current team, Jerry. Maybe if I spent some
time in the other league, it would help my game."
He spread his hands apart and said "Well maybe it would. Tell me, are you
attracted to Alyssa? Other than the tingle, I mean?"
Elaine scrunched up her face and looked at him for a few seconds. "Yeah, I
guess I am. I can't believe I'm telling you this. I really shouldn't be
telling you this."
"It always helps to talk about these things, Elaine. In my opinion, I think
it would be healthy for you to explore these new urges. And when you do,
I'll be here for you, to help you sort out your feelings."
She gave him a disgusted look. "You just want me to have sex with a woman
and then tell you all the details."
"You've got me all wrong! I'm just here for you, as a friend!" The wide
smile on his face didn't help his case.
"Well, there's one major problem with this scenario."
"You don't know if Alyssa is attracted to you?"
Elaine looked at him like he was crazy. "Why wouldn't she be? Of course
she's attracted to me."
Jerry put his hands up defensively and said "Of course she would be. I'm
sure she is. I don't know what I was thinking."
"The problem is that I set her up on a date with George."
Jerry almost choked on his coffee. "You what! Why?"
"I don't know...she was telling me how she was tired of dating the same kind
of guy all the time, how she wanted to try something different. I didn't
realize until later that she was talking about women! So for some reason I
"Well, he's certainly different, all right. Is Alyssa really that desperate,
that she would agree to go out with George?"
"Well, it's not I like I told her George was a loser...I think I told her he
was 'refreshingly unassuming', and she thought that sounded terrific."
"'Refreshingly unassuming' - nicely put. I guess you probably forgot to
mention he was unemployed and living with his parents."
"I must have been really hammered," moaned Elaine, shaking her head. "I
can't believe this - I'm actually competing with George Costanza for a woman.
Just shoot me, will you?"
Jerry patted her hand and said "Don't be so hard on yourself, Lanie. This
could actually work out to your benefit. If she isn't a lesbian now, a few
dates with George will do the trick. I bet Alyssa dumps George after one
date and then you can move right in."
[A quiet Chinese restaurant. George is sitting across a food-strewn table
from an attractive blond woman.]
George Costanza narrowed his eyes and looked suspiciously at the attractive
blonde seated across from him.
"Yes, George - I think it's really nice that you live with your parents. I
mean, it must be wonderful for them to have you around all the time."
"Oh, absolutely." He nodded solemnly, and his voice took on a self-important
tone. "They need me, Alyssa. My mother is always saying: 'Georgie' - she
calls me Georgie - 'Georgie, it's so good of you to live with us. I don't
know what we would ever do if you moved out.'"
Alyssa nodded, a little glint of desperation in her eyes. "That's really
'Touching, my ass - it's pathetic,' she thought to herself. As George
launched into a discussion of his parents' finer qualities, she forced
herself to smile and nod. What did Elaine see in this guy, anyway? Elaine
was so funny, so smart, so...sexy. And George -
"...they keep offering to move down to Florida, to 'get out of my way', but
I won't hear of it - as if your own beloved parents could ever be a bother!
I tell them that it's an honor to share the same roof with them, that..."
George was a loser. But if this was what it took to get closer to Elaine,
then this was what she would do.
"You want to go back to my place, George?" she asked abruptly.
George looked at her like she was putting him on. "Your place?"
"Well, much as I'd love to meet your parents, I think we might feel more
comfortable..." She raised her eyebrow meaningfully.
"Right. Right! Your place! Sure, your place would be good. What am I
saying, good - it would be great! I mean, not great in the sense that I'm
expecting, uh, that we're going to-"
"OK, let's go," she interrupted mercifully.
[A short time later, in Alyssa's nicely decorated apartment.]
Alyssa didn't waste any time seducing George. As soon as she closed the
front door, she put her arms around his neck and kissed him on the lips.
George was too startled to respond.
"I always like to have sex early in the relationship," she said, unbuttoning
her blouse. "Otherwise it just sort of gets in the way, don't you think?"
"Absolutely," croaked George. "That's my philosophy exactly."
"Well then, the bedroom is this way."
In the back of his mind, George was thinking this was much too good to be
true: there had to be a catch somewhere. He cautiously followed Alyssa
into her bedroom, and watched admiringly as she took off her blouse and
then her skirt, revealing her matching black panties and bra. Her body
was even better than he had expected: large, round breasts, a narrow waist,
lush womanly hips...raising his eyes from her cleavage, he noticed that she
was looking at him expectantly, and he realized he was still fully dressed.
"Oh - sorry. I guess I'm a little behind." He gave her what he hoped was
an elegant smile and began undressing, starting with his parka. As he
lowered his pants, he wished that he hadn't worn his Sylvester and Tweetie
Alyssa came over and put her arms around him again, and this time George
kissed her back in a long passionate embrace. They both felt his erection
poking her in the stomach, and she reached down and pulled his cock out of
the flap in the boxer shorts. Looking down, it appeared to her that Tweetie
bird was perched on George's modest appendage, and she had to choke off a
"Let's get these boxers off, shall we?"
She helped him get out of the shorts, and then she kneeled in front of him.
Summoning her resolve, she took his cock into her mouth in one gulp.
"Sweet Jesus!" said George.
Alyssa sucked his cock expertly for a few minutes, until she had him moaning
and bucking his hips. Then, not wanting him to come in her mouth, she stood
up and then reached behind her back and unhooked her bra. George caught his
breath in anticipation of seeing her naked.
"There's just one thing, before we go any farther," she said, holding the
bra against her breasts with both hands. "I'm a little nervous to tell you
George, who still had a nagging feeling that things were going much too
smoothly, steeled himself for the worst. 'Please, please, please, don't
tell me you used to be a man,' he thought to himself.
He swallowed hard and said "What is it?"
[Jerry's apartment - George and Jerry are talking.]
"Oh my God!" said Jerry, his eyes wide. "You're kidding! Nipple rings?"
"In both nipples," said George, beaming. "And she was actually worried that
I might find it unattractive!"
"Perish the thought!"
"Now a penis - that would be unattractive."
"Very much so," agreed Jerry.
"But nipple rings are hot." George jumped up from the couch, too excited to
sit still. "I'm busting, Jerry, just busting! She's unbelievable! I think
she might be the one. I owe Elaine big-time for this."
"Elaine will be *so* thrilled for you. You know how she loves to make other
people happy." The irony in Jerry's voice went right over George's head.
"Alyssa even got me a job at her company, can you believe that? I got a job
and a girlfriend in the same night."
"A job, really? Doing what?"
"You're looking at the new Erotic Internet Marketing Strategist at Lovenet
Communications," said George proudly. "I start tomorrow."
Jerry couldn't help laughing. "The new what? Did you say erotic?"
George nodded. "That's right. They run a bunch of adult web sites. It's
a booming business these days, according to Alyssa."
"But you don't know anything about programming web sites. You don't even
know very much about sex...what exactly are you going to be doing?"
Spreading his hands, George said "Who knows - a job's a job. Whatever they
want me to do, I'm sure I can handle it."
Just then the door opened and Kramer, Jerry's lanky neighbor from across
the hall, walked in. He was bare-chested and was muttering to himself
distractedly. Ignoring Jerry and George completely, he walked over to the
paper towel dispenser and pulled off several sheets.
"Help yourself, Kramer," said Jerry dryly. "Mi casa, su casa."
"Oh...thanks Jerry. I'm completely out." He sliced his arm through the air
for emphasis. Then he took the entire roll of paper towels off the dispenser
and took it with him back to his apartment.
"What's with him?" asked George.
"That was your number-one customer, right there. He just bought a computer,
and he's been doing nothing but surfing the net for porn for the last two
days. His Visa bill this month is going to be staggering."
"You see? This is big business! Alyssa says there's a ton of money to be
made in this field. And I'm going to be a player, Jerry. A major player."
"Yeah, you're a player all right."
The door opened again, and this time it was Elaine.
"Elaine! My buddy!" George ran over to her and gave her a bear hug.
"Alyssa is great! Were going out! She's perfect for me...you're brilliant!"
Elaine extricated herself from the hug. "What? What are you talking about?
You and Alyssa are dating?"
"They slept together last night," announced Jerry with a smirk.
Elaine looked back and forth between them, horror-stricken. "You slept with
"That's right," said George. "I think she might be the one...and I owe it
all to you." He looked a little confused at Elaine's negative reaction.
"Isn't that fantastic, Elaine?" said Jerry cheerfully. "They slept together!
Wild, uninhibited sex!" He was taking a sadistic pleasure in this.
Elaine was biting her lip and staring at George like she wanted to kill him.
"Yeah, that's...great." she said with an effort.
"I thought you would be happy," said George. "You don't look happy."
"I'm delighted," said Elaine bitterly, collapsing onto the couch.
George snorted. "Well, you certainly don't look it." He looked over at
Jerry, who shrugged theatrically and said "Women."
George headed for the door. "Well, I have to go. Elaine, Alyssa told me to
say hi for her."
Elaine looked up. "She did?"
George nodded. "She talked about you a lot, actually."
"Really? What did she say?"
"Oh, lots of stuff. What a good friend you are, how funny you are, how much
she likes you. She said she wishes she could spend more time with you."
Elaine shot a triumphant look at Jerry. "Well, it was very nice for her to
say all that! Be sure and tell her that I say hi right back at her."
"Right back at her," repeated George, glad to see that Elaine was cheering
up. "You got it."
When George had left, Jerry looked at Elaine and said "Well, well. This is
an unexpected development."
"Don't you see what's happening, Jerry? Alyssa is just dating George so she
can see me!"
"I don't know, how can you be so sure? Maybe she really likes George."
Elaine just stared at him.
"No, I guess not. Silly me. So what are you going to do?"
"I don't know...this is kind of awkward. You think I should call her?"
"Absolutely! This poor, tortured woman is having sex with George just so
maybe, just maybe, she can hear your voice. Don't let her suffer a minute
longer." He picked up his cordless phone and handed it to her.
"You're right - I should call her." Elaine got up from the couch and handed
Jerry the phone back with a smile. "From the privacy of my own apartment,
Jerry gritted his teeth in frustration as she left.
[A corporate office. A teenage boy in a three-piece suit is sitting at a big
mahogany desk. George is sitting across from him, looking uncomfortable. On
the walls, clashing with the corporate decor, are several posters of nude
Arnie Kitzenburger, the head of internet marketing for Lovenet
Communications, shook his head slowly as he scanned down the sheet of paper
in his hand. George felt like getting up from his swivel chair and
throttling the condescending little twerp.
"I don't know George, is this the best you can do? These slogans aren't
very catchy." His high-pitched voice took on a sarcastic tone. "You *were*
told that the slogans should be catchy, weren't you?"
"Yes. Yes, Mr. Kitzenburger, I believe the word 'catchy' was mentioned,"
said George, laughing awkwardly. Inside he was seething - how old was this
little nerd, anyway? Sixteen? Not old enough to shave, that was for sure.
The young man read aloud from the sheet: "Come see our hot naked women.
Our babes are hard to beat. Sexiest chicks on the net." He laid the sheet
down on his desk and stared at George owlishly through his glasses, which
were much too big for his face.
"These slogans aren't the least bit catchy. They are positively uncatchy!
No one looking through a newsgroup or reading their morning email is going
to be intrigued or amused by this lifeless drivel. It isn't even graphic!
No mention of orgasms, or sperm, or even tits."
"I'm sorry, Mr. Kitzenburger," said George, who was a pro at groveling.
"It is my first day, after all. I'll get back to work, and come up with
something better for you tomorrow."
"See that you do, George. Or you won't last long at Lovenet Communications.
[Elaine and Alyssa are sitting in a restaurant together.]
"I'm so glad you called me last night," said Alyssa, smiling at Elaine and
taking a sip of wine.
"Well, after you said such nice things about me to George... I thought it
would be nice if we saw each other more regularly."
Alyssa looked down at her plate. "Actually, I was worried that I turned you
off the other night, telling you all that stuff about how I was attracted to
women. I must have been pretty drunk."
"Oh that," said Elaine, blushing. "No, that didn't turn me off, Alyssa.
Really, that didn't bother me at all."
Alyssa smiled at her, making eye contact. "Well that's a relief."
Elaine swallowed nervously. This was difficult. "So George tells me you
two really hit it off the other night. That's really great."
Alyssa made a little face. "Well, I don't know. George and I..."
There was a pause, and then she said "Elaine, I have a confession to make.
I didn't really want to go out with George. I just did it because..."
"Because what?" urged Elaine.
"Because I wanted to be with you. You told me how you and George and Jerry
and that other guy, the weird guy, always hang out...I thought if I was
dating George, I would see you more often."
"Are you saying...?"
Alyssa nodded. "Yes. I'm sorry if I'm making you feel uncomfortable. But
I want you to know that I have a crush on you."
"Alyssa..." Elaine was, for once in her life, at a loss for words. "I'm not
sure, but I think I'm attracted to you too. It's just that I'm not...I
"There's always a first time." Alyssa reached out and took Elaine's hand.
"Oh! There it is again," said Elaine with a giggle.
"Ohhh, the tingle!" Alyssa winked at her. "I've got one too. You know, my
apartment is just two blocks away..."
"Don't take this the wrong way," said Elaine. "But I really think I need a
few more drinks first."
Alyssa giggled and squeezed her hand. "You and me both. Waiter!"
[Jerry's apartment. George is sitting despondently on the couch.]
"Tough day at the office?" asked Jerry.
"It was awful," moaned George. "My first day on the job, and they actually
wanted me to do some work! No easing-in period, no time to arrange my desk
and settle in...they wanted results!" He took off his glasses and rubbed
his face. "I'm already in danger of being fired."
"Sounds like a real sweatshop. What do they have you doing?"
"Writing advertising slogans for their adult web sites. Short, catchy little
phrases to induce people to log on and spend their money. My boss is this
teenage dweeb who didn't like anything I wrote."
"Advertising slogans?" said Jerry suspiciously.
"Right. They put them everywhere - newsgroups, banners on other web sites...
they even email them to people."
"George, that's spam!" Jerry's voice became shrill with emotion. "Don't you
know what's happening here? They're turning you into a spammer!"
George looked at him like he was crazy. "A spammer? What are you talking
"Spam! It's the scourge of the internet! I log into my comedy newsgroup,
and it's crammed so full of this stuff you can't find the real messages.
Sperm this! Anal that! Teenage bimbos in heat!" He stopped to catch his
"Take it easy, Jerry. It's just a job."
"Just a job! George, you have to quit. If this gets out, you'll be an
outcast from society - a pariah. Everyone hates spam. Especially dirty
"I can't quit. Alyssa got me this job, remember? If I quit she'll dump me
like a week-old egg salad sandwich. Besides, how would becoming an outcast
from society change my life?"
"Well..." Jerry realized he couldn't think of a single thing. George was
basically on the fringes of society already.
"I just think that you-"
Just then the door opened and Kramer stumbled in, wearing nothing but a pair
of stained polyester slacks. He looked around the apartment with glazed
eyes, ignoring Jerry and George, until he spotted Jerry's computer in the
corner of the living room. He walked over to it and unplugged the keyboard.
"My keyboard is, uh, on the fritz," he mumbled. He tucked Jerry's keyboard
under his arm and headed back into his apartment, banging into the doorway
as he left.
"How do you like that?" said George. "Not even so much as a hello."
"How do you think I like it?" said Jerry, shaking his head.
"Listen Jerry, I was really hoping you would help me with these slogans.
You're funny and creative - I bet you could come up with some terrific ones
right off the top of your head."
"Well, let's see...How about 'Come see us exploit young women!'...or maybe
'We're taking over the internet - join us or die!'..."
"Very funny," said George tiredly.
From across the hall they heard Kramer's voice: "Oh babeeeeee!"
"You see what this stuff does to people?" lectured Jerry. "It's turned
Kramer into a pleasure-seeking zombie. He's like one of those lab rats that
chooses the cocaine instead of the food and starves to death."
"I think you're exaggerating a little. These web sites are perfectly
They argued back and forth for a little while, and then the door opened and
Kramer walked in again. This time he was fully dressed and looked a little
"Here he is - the Lawnmower Man himself," said Jerry. "I was afraid you
might have been sucked into your computer by now."
"I think I need a little break," said Kramer. "What time is it anyway? I'm
starving." He opened Jerry's fridge and started pulling things out randomly
and setting them on the counter.
"It's eight-thirty pm, on Wednesday. You've been at it for, let's see,
sixty-three hours straight."
"Whoa! Has it been that long? No wonder I'm hungry." Kramer quickly
slapped together a big, messy sandwich and sat down next to George on the
couch. "So what's going on? Did I miss anything?"
"You missed plenty," said George. "I have a new girlfriend and a new
job, thanks to Elaine. But I'm going to lose the job, and probably the
girlfriend, because Jerry refuses to help me out."
"What kind of a job?" asked Kramer, through a mouthful of food.
"Erotic Internet Marketing Strategist."
Kramer nodded knowingly, swallowed, and said "Spam."
"You see?" said Jerry. "Even Kramer knows about spam."
"Oh, I know spam," agreed Kramer.
George said, "Jerry thinks that adult web sites are evil and immoral, and he
refuses to help me out. What do you think, Kramer?"
"Oh right," said Jerry. "Let's ask the addict. Nothing like an unbiased
"What do I think?" said Kramer. He got a faraway look in his eyes. "Cum
guzzling teens...Big-breasted whores who love it in the ass...Barely-legal
sluts who want to suck me off..." He shook his head reflectively, a little
smile on his face. "It's all good."
"Disgusting," said Jerry, cringing.
"Hey Kramer, that's not half-bad," said George. He reached for a pad of
paper and a pencil. "In fact, it's much better than anything I came up with
today at work." He jotted down some notes. "Maybe I'm asking the wrong guy
"Maybe you are," said Kramer. "I bet I could help you out."
"Ha! Now you're talking," said George gleefully. He clapped his hands
together and shouted "I'm back in business, baby!"
"I don't believe this," said Jerry. "I really don't."
"Just a second, George," said Kramer. "What do I get out of this deal?"
"Um, I don't know...my undying gratitude?"
"No, no, that won't pay the piper. I need free access to your company's web
sites. I've racked up fourteen thousand dollars in fees already - my credit
cards are maxed out."
"You got it," said George. "They gave me a private access code you can use
as much as you want."
"Giddyup! Put her there, partner." Kramer shook George's hand vigorously,
causing a mustard-covered pickle to fly out of his sandwich onto the couch.
"That's it!" said Jerry angrily. "Out of my apartment, the both of you.
I'm not going to stand around watching while you destroy civilization as we
"Not a problem," said Kramer calmly. "We'll just step over to my place."
He and George disappeared across the hall, already deep in discussion.
[Elaine and Alyssa are walking along the street, weaving a little and
giggling like schoolgirls.]
"I can't believe you ordered a pitcher of margaritas," said Elaine. "Did
you want me to be unconscious for this?" She bumped her hip into Alyssa,
almost knocking her down, and they both started laughing. Although certainly
tipsy, neither was quite as drunk they were pretending to be.
"Hey, I drank just as much as you," said Alyssa. "Come on, this is one of
the advantages of living in the city without a car - you can go out and get
drunk whenever you want - no worries about DWI."
Elaine burst into a fresh gale of laughter. "I'm surprised they haven't
based a tourism campaign on that. 'Come to the Big Apple and get
"Here's my building," said Alyssa. They went into the lobby and stumbled
onto the waiting elevator, and Alyssa hit the button for the seventh floor.
"Slowest elevator in New York," she said.
"Too bad," said Elaine. They were standing elbow to elbow facing the front
of the elevator, and she leaned against Alyssa until they were pressed close
together with Alyssa's shoulders against the wall. She could smell Alyssa's
perfume, and the not - unpleasant smell of lime and tequila on her breath.
"Uh oh - are you falling over?" asked Alyssa quietly. She turned towards
Elaine until they were standing face to face.
"Nope. Doin' just fine." They both felt the sudden electricity between
them. It occurred to Elaine that she was used to craning her head up at
someone at this point, and the thought made her giggle.
"What's so funny?"
"I was thinking it would be nice to kiss someone who isn't two feet taller
"Oh, right." This couldn't very well just hang in the air, of course.
Alyssa slowly leaned forward and kissed Elaine softly on the lips. At the
same moment that their lips met, they also felt their breasts press together.
They held the kiss awkwardly for several seconds, enjoying it but not turning
it into a tongue session. Then the elevator stopped and they quickly stepped
apart as the doors opened onto an empty hall.
"Wow," said Elaine, her voice a little shaky.
"Wow is right."
Inside Alyssa's apartment, they stood looking at each other for a few
"Well," said Elaine.
"I think the thing to do," said Alyssa, "is not to think about this too much
and lose our momentum."
"Good point." Elaine decided to take the initiative. She threw her arms
around Alyssa's neck and kissed her hard on the lips. Alyssa hugged her
back, and then slid her hands down and squeezed Elaine's ass. This made her
jump, and they both started laughing through the kiss.
"Frisky aren't you?" said Elaine.
"Am I going to fast for you, little girl?"
Instead of answering, Elaine kissed her again, and this time she pushed her
tongue into Alyssa's mouth. Alyssa responded eagerly, and after a while
Elaine reached down and fondled Alyssa's ass. It was softer and rounder than
a guy's ass, but there was a nice firm layer of muscle underneath.
"Want to go into the bedroom?" asked Alyssa finally. They were both flushed
and breathing heavily.
"Lead the way."
In the bedroom Elaine kicked off her shoes and jumped playfully onto the bed.
Alyssa watched her with a smile on her face and started to get undressed.
"Oh God, we're really doing this aren't we," said Elaine. She stood up and
they helped each other undress, giggling and laughing quietly.
"Nipple rings! No way...ouch!"
"Guys love them," said Alyssa. "Plus they make me horny all the time."
Elaine reached out and touched Alyssa's breast, cupping it in her palm to
feel its warm weight, and then gently pinching the nipple and playing with
the gold ring.
"As if having big boobs isn't enough," she said. "It's like gilding the
They sat down next to each other on the bed, and then Alyssa gently pushed
Elaine onto her back and kissed her small, round breasts, flicking at her
nipples with her tongue. Elaine squirmed and cooed as Alyssa continued to
play with her breasts, and then she gasped with anticipation as Alyssa
started working her way downward, covering Elaine's stomach with a trail of
warm kisses as she headed for her pussy.
[Jerry's apartment. Jerry is getting ready to go to bed.]
The phone rang and Jerry walked out of the bedroom in his pajamas and picked
it up, wondering who would be calling at this hour.
"Jerry? It's Elaine. Did I wake you up?"
"No, not quite. What's up?"
"Guess where I was all evening..." Her voice was excited and playful.
"Ummm..." Jerry tried to think of something witty, but then another thought
occurred to him. "Wait a second! Were you with Alyssa?"
Elaine's giggle told him he had guessed right. "Yep. We had dinner together
and then we went back to her place."
"Lanie! What happened? Tell me everything." He sat down on the couch,
gripping the phone tightly.
"Well, I'm not going to tell you *everything*..."
"So did you...?"
"Yes, I'm afraid we did. For hours."
Jerry felt his cock start to twitch and grow. Fantasies of Elaine and Alyssa
in bed together had been dominating his thoughts for days, and now she was
telling him it actually happened.
"So how was it? Up to expectations?" He tried to keep his voice neutral.
"Quite up to expectations...I didn't even have to fake it."
"Very funny," said Jerry. Faking orgasms was a sore point between them.
"So are you feeling guilty about this at all?"
"This is the nineties, Jerry - lesbianism is in. Why would I feel guilty?"
"I was thinking about George. He's supposed to be dating Alyssa, remember?
I don't think he's going to appreciate this."
"Ohhhh - poor Georgie. I was right - Alyssa was just dating him because of
me. She's going to end it with George tomorrow."
"Tomorrow is going to be a tough day for George all around," said Jerry,
thinking about Kramer's inane spam slogans. "So, to quote the Queen of
England, what exactly is it that lesbians do?"
"I knew you were going to ask me that! Well, you know the 'other thing' that
I'm always complaining guys don't do?"
"I did that to you once or twice," protested Jerry.
"Well Alyssa and I did a *lot* of the other thing, and it was fantastic."
Jerry's cock was now painfully erect. He pushed down the waistband of his
pajama bottoms and gripped it in his hand. The thought of Elaine and Alyssa
going down on each other drove him crazy.
"So you like doing the other thing?" he asked, squeezing his cock.
"Well, giving isn't quite as much fun as receiving, but I liked it just
Jerry was stroking himself shamelessly now. "Details, Elaine...I want
details. Did you like the taste?"
"The taste? I'm not going to say anything about - Jerry! Why are you
breathing like that?"
"I'm not breathing like anything...Except maybe I'm coming down with a
"I know what you're doing! Cut it out right now, or I'm going to start
charging you three ninety-five a minute."
Jerry moaned with frustration. "Elaine...Why did you call me, anyway? You
just wanted to torture me?"
"I'm sorry, Jerry. I just felt like talking to someone...I'm all wound up.
Let's change the subject."
"OK, fine. So...what are you wearing?"
"Absolutely nothing. Goodbye, Jerry."
Jerry tossed the phone aside and pounded the couch with his fist. Another
sleepless night loomed ahead.
[George is back in Arnie Kitzenburger's office at Lovenet Communications...]
"I have some new slogans for you to look at, Mr. Kitzenburger." George took
a folded sheet of paper out of his pocket, smoothed it out, and set it on the
big desk. "I hope you'll find these more suitable."
"I hope so too, George."
George watched anxiously as Arnie Kitzenburger scanned quickly down the
sheet, raised his eyebrows, and then started over again at the top. The
boy's lip twitched, and then he started making a funny sound in his throat.
For a second George thought he was choking on something, but then he realized
Arnie Kitzenburger was laughing.
"Sperm-berping Queens...I love that one. The misspelling makes it much
funnier - very clever."
"Clever of you to notice that, Mr. Kitzenburger." George made a mental note
to check which word Kramer had misspelled.
"Thousands of Whores taking it Doggystyle...Bare-Bottomed Schoolgirls Getting
Well Deserved Spankings...Kinky Prom Queens...Perverted Teenagers Want to Eat
He looked up at George with a new respect in his eyes. "These are terrific,
George! Just what we're looking for. I think you've got a bright future
here at Lovenet Communications."
George swelled with pride. "Thank you, Mr. Kitzenburger. Thank you for
giving me the chance to prove myself." In what was typical behavior for him,
he had completely forgotten that it was Kramer who had written all the
"Ha ha ha! Oh, I love this one: 'Young, Dumb, and Full of Cum.' That's the
way we like 'em, isn't it George?"
"Yes sir, it certainly is!" George felt a little twinge in his conscience,
which he resolutely ignored.
Arnie pushed a button on his intercom. "Vickie, could you come in here?"
An attractive young girl with too much makeup and five-inch heels came
wobbling into the room. George found himself wondering if she was a Kinky
"Vickie, I want you to take these slogans over to the advertising division
and have them inputted immediately. Widest possible distribution."
The girl glanced at the sheet, gave George an inquiring look, and left.
"We'll get some feedback on these new slogans by the end of the day," said
Arnie. "We monitor the hit rate on our sites constantly. I have a good
feeling about this batch."
"So do I, Mr. Kitzenburger, so do I."
[Jerry's apartment that evening.]
Jerry buzzed up George and prepared himself to be sympathetic and
understanding toward his hapless friend. But before George even came into
his apartment, he realized things hadn't gone as expected.
"Kramer! You're a genius!" George was banging on Kramer's door. "Open up!"
"What do you want?" came Kramer's muffled response.
"Your slogans! They were brilliant! Kitzenburger loved them!"
"Great, George, great. I'm busy now."
Jerry opened his door. "I really don't think you'd want to see Kramer right
"Oh, hi Jerry. I guess you're right." George glided into Jerry's apartment
like he was walking on air.
"So they liked the slogans," said Jerry. "I must admit, I'm a little
surprised. I guess there's no accounting for taste."
"Liked them? They loved them! Kitzenburger had them plugged in this
morning, and by this afternoon the hit rate was up by thirty-seven percent
across the board!"
"So your job is safe?"
"Safe? I'll tell you how safe it is - I got promoted!"
"Promoted! Congratulations...I guess you'll be the King of Spam before
"Thanks. This is unbelievable...I'm going to be a player, Jerry - I can feel
"Did you talk to Alyssa today?"
"Oh, yeah, I did. That was a little awkward, actually."
"I'm sure it was."
"But she assured me that she wouldn't have a problem having me as her boss."
Jerry's jaw dropped. "You're Alyssa's boss now?"
"That's right. This is a fast moving business - things happen in a hurry.
I'm the new golden boy at Lovenet Communications. I'm like a rocket,
shooting my way to the top!" He smashed his fist into his hand for emphasis.
"So you're still going out with Alyssa then, Rocketman?"
"Yeah, of course. Why do you ask?"
"No reason. Boy, Elaine is really going to be excited when she hears about
"That's right - in a way I owe this all to Elaine for setting me up with
"Don't forget Kramer."
"Right - I owe it all to Elaine and Kramer."
"It's nice to have friends."
George chuckled. "It sure is. I gotta go, I'm meeting Alyssa for dinner."
"See you later, Golden Boy."
[Elaine has just arrived at Alyssa's apartment.]
"Golden boy! How could George Costanza possibly be a golden boy?" Elaine
stared at Alyssa in disbelief.
"I don't know what happened," said Alyssa, obviously distraught. "Yesterday
they thought he was an incompetent putz, and I thought for sure he wouldn't
last a week. Then this afternoon Mr. Kitzenburger calls me into his office
and tells me George is my new boss!"
"Unbelievable," said Elaine, shaking her head. "So did you break up with him
Alyssa looked embarrassed. "Um, no. Not exactly. The timing wasn't right."
"What do you mean, 'the timing wasn't right?'"
"Well, Mr. Kitzenburger somehow found out I was dating George. He told me
to take good care of him. If I break up with George now, I could lose my
Elaine made a face. "How can you work for George Costanza at a place like
that? Why don't you just quit?"
"I can't. I'm barely making my rent payments on this apartment - if I lose
this job I'm out on the street. I'm really sorry about this."
Elaine shook her head in frustration. Then she took a deep breath and said
"Listen, don't worry about it. I'm sure George will screw up soon - it's
"I hope you're right," said Alyssa. "I thought he was annoying before, but
now that he's a big success, he's insufferable."
Elaine moved closer to Alyssa and smiled coquettishly. "So, what can we do
to ease the pain of all this...maybe a massage?"
Alyssa held up her hands. "That would be fun, but I'm meeting George for
dinner in twenty minutes. Sorry."
"But...but...my juices are flowing!"
Alyssa gave her a pained look. "Mine too. But I have to go."
[Jerry's apartment, the next day]
Jerry was putting away his groceries when the door swung open slowly and
Kramer shuffled in like a zombie.
"What do you need this time, big guy?" asked Jerry. "Lubricant? Fresh
Kramer shook his head dispiritedly. "It doesn't work anymore, Jerry."
"Well, you've been overusing it, that's all. Let it rest for a few days and
it'll be as good as new."
"No, not *that*. That's still going strong. The access code George gave me
doesn't work anymore." His voice rose with frustration. "I'm cut off!"
"Relax. They probably change them every so often, in case some nutcase gets
a hold of one and goes crazy with it."
Kramer shook his head, a look of despair etched on his face. "What am I
going to do, Jerry? I need my porn! I can't live without it...I just
"You'll manage somehow, I'm sure."
A new thought occurred to Kramer. "The teen blowjob tournament starts
tonight - live coverage! I can't miss that!" He put his hands on his
temples and squeezed his head in desperation.
Seeing that Kramer was really in bad shape, Jerry became a little more
sympathetic. "Listen, Kramer - maybe this is for the best." He put his
arm around his friend and led him over to the couch. "Look at yourself -
you're pale, emaciated...your skin looks like sandpaper...you need to kick
this habit before it kills you. You have to become the master of your own
"I...I...I guess your right. Thanks buddy." He looked up at Jerry with
red-rimmed eyes. "I'll go get you your keyboard back."
Jerry tried to hide his distaste. "Tell you what - why don't you keep it.
My gift to you."
"No, no, no...I should really return it - as a symbol of my kicking the
"Whatever you say. Could you maybe clean it a little first?"
"Yeah, I'll do that. Thanks Jerry." Kramer looked a little more cheerful
as he went back to his apartment.
A few minutes later George buzzed up.
"How's the golden boy?" asked Jerry when he came in.
George shook his head. "No more golden boy. It's over, Jerry."
"It's over? What happened? Did they fire you?"
George nodded. "They fired me, all right." He made a slashing motion with
his hand. "Just like that, boom. I'm gone." He sighed philosophically.
"I guess it was too good to last."
"Of course it was too good to last," said Jerry. "That was obvious from the
beginning. But still, it seems a little sudden."
George nodded reflectively. "One day I'm a shooting star..."
"The next day you make a big, smoking crater in the ground," finished Jerry.
"Thanks. That helps a lot."
"That's what friends are for. So what happened, anyway?"
"Well, Nerdly called me into his office a couple of hours ago. I go in, he's
got a stack of paper about a foot thick in front of him..."
*** Flashback to the scene in Kitzenburger's office. ***
"Do you know what this is, George?" The teenager gestured at the thick
stack of paper in front of him, a look of stern disapproval on his pimpled,
"Um...no, not really Mr. Kitzenburger." Sensing danger in the air, George
started trying to cover himself. "Remember, it's still my first week."
"These printouts list all the traffic on our web sites via your private
access code. The technicians tell me it looks like you gave the code out to
dozens of people, in direct violation of our strict policy."
George gritted his teeth and spat out "Kramer!" under his breath.
"What was that?"
"Nothing...The truth is, I only gave it out to one person, but he must have-"
Kitzenburger snorted. "Really, George. I would have expected you to come
up with a better excuse than that. There's no way one person could have
logged on this much - the usage is around the clock, several sites at a
time..." He shook his head with insincere regret. "I'm afraid we're going
to have to terminate you."
*** Back to the apartment. ***
"And that was that?" said Jerry.
George shrugged. "If only I'd had a little warning, maybe I could've made
up a good excuse...but it took me by surprise and I froze. I don't think it
would've made any difference, though. I think that adolescent twerp was
afraid of Golden Boy, and he axed me to keep his own job safe."
"Oh, I see...you were the innocent victim of a ruthless power struggle.
Stabbed in the back by someone jealous of your immense success and
potential..." Jerry smiled knowingly.
"That's the spin, yes," said George defensively. He pointed at Jerry. "It
might even be true, my supercilious friend."
"Whatever helps you sleep at night."
Kramer came back into the apartment with the keyboard. "I'll just make sure
this works," he said, heading for Jerry's computer.
George looked at Jerry a little more closely. "So what's with you, anyway?
You seem a tad grumpy these days."
Jerry nodded. "More than a tad, actually. I haven't been getting my eight
hours of sleep, and you know what that does to me. All this talk about
sex...you with that crazy job, Kramer yelling and moaning at all hours,
Elaine - " He stopped, remembering that he couldn't say anything about
Elaine and Alyssa. "I'm sexually frustrated, to be perfectly frank."
Just then Elaine walked in. "Hey, looks like the gang's all here."
"Oh, great - just who I needed to see," said Jerry, throwing up his hands.
"Nice to see you too," said Elaine, giving him a wicked grin and a friendly
poke in the ribs. "Hi Kramer. Hi George - aren't you supposed to be at
"He got fired," said Jerry. "They caught him posting non-obscene messages
on a newsgroup."
Elaine laughed, and then her face suddenly became serious. "What about
"Oh, I broke up with her," said George. "She wasn't the one, after all."
"You broke up with Alyssa?" said Elaine disbelievingly. "Not the other way
George shrugged. "Yeah, the nipple rings got on my nerves after a while.
They look just like little door knockers, you know? I had to keep resisting
the urge to..." He mimicked rapping a nipple ring like a door knocker.
"You really are a piece of work," said Jerry, shaking his head.
"He's a piece of something, all right," said Elaine. "You know, Alyssa
really needs that job - I hope she didn't get fired too."
"I think she was reassigned," said George.
Jerry suddenly noticed that Kramer was staring hungrily at the computer
screen, his lips moving silently.
"Kramer! You're not backsliding over there, are you?"
Kramer looked up guiltily. "Sorry Jerry...I couldn't help it. There's a
special on live lesbian shows today." He gestured at the screen. "This
blonde is a real dish - nipple rings in both nipples!"
There was a moment of silence, and then Elaine, Jerry, and George all rushed
over and crowded around the computer.
"Oh my God!" said Elaine. "It's Alyssa!"
"Like I said - reassigned," said George.
"Look what you've done, George," said Elaine accusingly. "Alyssa has to
keep that job to pay her rent. You've forced her into acting in a live sex
"Now that's a shame," said Jerry, staring intently at the screen.
They all watched silently for a few minutes as Alyssa ate the pussy of a
slim, attractive brunette. Then Jerry felt Elaine's hand slide up his thigh
and rest on his crotch for a moment. He looked at her in surprise and she
raised her eyebrow in silent invitation.
Jerry smiled at her and said "OK, folks - show's over. Kramer, thanks for
the keyboard - now go back to your place and get some sleep. George, thanks
for stopping by. I guess you really should get out there and start looking
for another job."
He firmly ushered his two friends out of the apartment and locked the door.
When he turned around Elaine had disappeared. He found her in the bedroom,
lying naked on his bed.
"I guess I know what you're in the mood for," said Jerry. "A little of this,
a little of that..."
"And a *lot* of the other thing," finished Elaine with a laugh. "Smart boy."
Without even taking his clothes off, Jerry climbed into position.
"Welcome back to the home team," he said. It was the last thing he said for
quite a while.