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A message to all those kids under 18 - Go Away.

You won't find too much sex in this story I'm afraid - sorry, sorry, sorry -
this is more of a humor story, and the concentration will be on oral sex -
but there will be some ordinary sex, I promise.

If you like this story you can sing my praises by writing to -

[email protected]

If you hate this story you can damn my soul by writing to -

[email protected]

If you feel apathetic, you can offer constructive criticism or ideas tp -

[email protected]

I hope you enjoy the story, I hope it makes you laugh - my advise is to
imagine the way the actors themselves would say or do things - it'll probably
make it better.


Seinfeld: The Blowjob.

"You're telling me, that a supermodel hit on you?" said George, shaking his
head in disbelief,"How do you do that?"

"I didn't say she was a supermodel," said Jerry, he was holding a rolled up
newspaper"But the option was certainly available to her."

"You're telling me that you were hit on by a woman who is so beautiful, she
can choose whether or not she wants to be a supermodel or not!" cried out
George,"Great, just great - why I can't have such luck is beyond me."

"Just listen," cried Jerry,"Is that so much to ask that you listen?"

"Oh, I can listen pal - I'm the king of the listeners. If they held a
competition for best listener I wouldn't even enter - because I'm so assured
of victory, it would ruin it for everyone else."

"You can sure talk for a listener."

"Haha, wiseguy."

The buzzer went of, Jerry walked over to it and held down the button,"Yeah?"

"It's me," came Elaine's voice.

"Come on up," he buzzed her in and opened the door.

"So anyway," he continued,"She walks up to me on the street and says to me
'Could you do me a favor and hold this paper for just a second, I'd be really
grateful."

"Hang on," interrupted George,"How did she say 'really grateful'?"

"It was kind of a deep throaty 'promise of things to come' 'really grateful'"

"You're sure, she didn't have the flu?"

"No she didn't have the flu, now listen."

"I'm listening!"

"So I say 'no problem' and she walks inside the building, and I'm waiting,
thinking about the great sex I could possibly be having......."

"Now see, I never do that, thinking about get's you all hyped up and you're
bound to be disappointed in the end."

"What are you talking about? Fantasy doesn't build you up."

"It build's you up!"

"Just shut up and listen!" Jerry cried out.

"I'm listening!"

"So I'm waiting like five minutes......"

"Five minutes?"

"Five minutes, how long would you wait?"

"Well it depends on the person, but a woman as beautiful as that......at
least till Christmas."

"Christmas?"

"Hey, for sex with a beautiful woman I think she at least deserves until
Christmas."

"You're pathetic."

"Finish your story," said George,"I do have a date tonight you know."

"You love telling people that don't you?"

"You wanna tell the story or not?"

"Okay then, so I'm getting impatient and I look through the glass, and I see
her hugging this guy!"

"What? she asked you to hold her paper, told you she'd be grateful and now
she's hugging another guy?"

"Exactly, she's a temptress!" exclaimed Jerry,"I think she does it for
thrills, leaves guy's hanging around outside in the cold for hours on
end....."

"Five minutes."

"Okay, five minutes - hours on end, what's the difference?"

"I said that to my first girlfriend, believe me, it makes a difference."

"But can you believe it? She's in there hugging another guy."

"So what did you do?"

"I left."

"And the paper?"

Jerry smiled and held up the paper in his hand, "She'll have to buy a new
paper for holding me up, my time is money!"

"What, a nickel a minute?"

"You're a real understanding guy you know that?"

Elaine stepped into the apartment, she slammed the door shut and stared at
George and Jerry fiercely.

"Wow, aren't you a little Xena Warrior Princess here?" joked Jerry.

"You know, that Lucy Lawless is really attractive, I would like to go out
with her," mused George.

"Are you kidding, you couldn't get Lucy Lawless," said Jerry.

"Why couldn't I get Lucy Lawless?"

"She's way too tall for you."

"You think?"

"I know."

Elaine shook her head and cried out,"Shut up, I have something to say here!"

"Tell George," said Jerry with a smile,"He's a great listener."

George smiled,"At least I don't steal papers from supermodels."

"Supposed super......."

"You wouldn't believe what happened to me last night," Elaine cut in.

"Huh? what?" asked Jerry.

"You know that guy Alex I've been seeing, tall, handsome intelligent."

"Yeah, he's a nice guy," said George.

"He's scum!" said Elaine, staring George in the eye.

"Scum?"

"Scum."

"I wouldn't say anything Georgey boy,"said Jerry, "When she gets back with
him she'll hate you for anything you say against him."

Elaine shook her head, "Not this freak, you know what he told me last night."

"Yes, yes I do," said Jerry, "I'm a mind reader you see........"

Elaine shoved past him and sat next to George on the couch, "We were in my
apartment and I had invited him up for coffee....."

"Coffee?" asked George,"Coffee.......or Cof-fee."

"Cof-fee."

"I want to make sure, you asked him up to have sex with you right?"

"Yes George," she said,"I wanted to bump hips."

"Charming," said Jerry,"Didn't you graduate first in you class at Lady's
finishing school."

"Lookit comedian," she said, grabbing Jerry by the collar,"One more funny
remark and I'll rip your tongue out - you never use it for it's right purpose
anyway."

"What's that supposed to mean," said Jerry.

"Listen and you might find out."

"See," said George,"I would kick your ass in a listening competition."

Elaine glared at him,"So we're making out on the couch, and he pulls away and
says to me,'Are you like me, do you love foreplay?' and I think 'Thank God,
maybe I'll get an orgasm for once.'

"So what did you say?"

"I said,'Sure I love it,' and I sit forward to kiss him, but he stands up and
takes off his pants, and there it is, sitting right in front of me."

"His soldier?"

"Yeah, but this wasn't a soldier, this was a green beret, I'm talking special
forces here, and I say,'What do you want me to do with that?" and he says,
"You know Lainee, I want a blowjob."

"Just like that," cried out George, "Just like that he says I want a
blowjob!?!"

"Yeah, and I just stare at him, thinking he's joking, but he says, "Come on
Lainee, let's get going, it's cold in here."

"Did you?" asked George, Elaine smacked lightly over the head.

"No I didn't, I said to him, 'What if I say no?' and he says, 'Then no sex."

"Idiot," said Jerry, "You can't threaten to withhold sex from a woman, it's
crazy."

"What'd you say then?" asked George.

"I said to him, 'And if I do that for you, will you do something for me?,'
and he says, 'What?' like's he's really confused and I say, 'Give me one.'"

"So what did he do?"

"He said no, and I told him he'd have to leave, but he said he was glad to
go, he thought I was sick - I'll tell you I wanted to decap his soldier!"

Jerry and George winced.

"So," said Elaine, "Have either of you ever?"

"No," they said at the same time.

"Why not?"

"Well, that's where your soldier is going," said Jerry, "When you send your
man into the field he'll get covered in your own saliva, it's like licking
your........."

George shuddered, "Ewww."

"But would you expect a woman to give you a blowjob?"

"Yeah, I don't see why not," Jerry replied.

"Well, isn't that like me licking my own.......?"

"Nothing wrong with that," said George, "Nothing whatsoever."

"You two have such a double standard, are all men like this?"

"Pretty much yeah," said Jerry.

"Have either of you ever had a blowjob?"

Jerry and George looked at each other and sighed, "No."

"Ha," laughed Elaine.

Kramer rocketed into the room, he slipped the door shut and walked over to
the fridge, he pulled out a banana and peeled it, he noticed Elaine staring
at him.

"Want some?" he asked, holding out the banana to her.

"Oohh!" she cried out, throwing her arms in the air,"Is that all men think
of?"

"What?" cried Kramer,"A guy can't offer a girl a banana?"

"Kramer, have you ever had a blowjob?" asked Jerry.

Kramer smiled,"Oh yeah."

"And did you give the woman one in return?" asked Elaine.

"Of course," said Kramer,"I'm not an animal."

Elaine beamed triumphantly at Jerry and George, "See."

"But don't you feel........like..your kind of licking your own.......you
know?"

"What, banana?" said Kramer with a grin, "No I don't feel like that, besides,
most of your saliva is washed away by the female orgasm."

"What are you talking about?"

"You know, the juices get flowing......" he waved his arms around, "Things
get moving....."

Elaine smiled, "There's hope for your lot yet."

George looked at his watch, "I better get going, or I'll be late for my date
tonight."

"Oh you got a date?" asked Kramer.

"Yes I have a date," said George,"Does that surprise you?"

"Well frankly yes," said Kramer, biting into the banana, "You strike me as
more of a Friday night at home with your parents kind of guy."

"No that was in high school and college," said Jerry smiling.
_ _ _

Later on Jerry, Elaine and Kramer sat in the restaurant, they were chatting
about the movie they had just seen - Necropolis.

"That was a great movie," said Jerry, he slapped the paper he held in his
hand against the table, "The reviews in this rag are all wrong."

"I hated it," said Elaine, "That bit where Michael Douglas cut's Charlie
Sheen's rope when they're climbing the mountain, then swings down and catches
him was a load of crap."

"Are you kidding," said Jerry, "That was great."

"Michael Douglas must be over 50, how could he catch and support Charlie
Sheen?"

"How did you like it Kramer?" asked Jerry, "Kramer?"

"Wow," said Kramer, "Look at that beautiful woman over there with that guy."

Jerry looked back and then slumped down in his seat, "Oh my God."

"What," said Elaine, "What's wrong?"

"That's the woman whose paper I stole!"
_ _ _

George kissed Sheryl passionately, he put his best effort in and she seemed
to respond to it, he pulled away and grinned at her, "You like that?"

"I like that a lot," she whispered.

"There's a lot more where that came from." he said, he sounded confident but
inside he was thinking,'Should I ask her into the bedroom, oh God, what if
she yells at me, oh God oh God, I asked her up for coffee but does she think
I meant coffee or cof-fee........'

"George," she said,"I think we should move things into the bedroom."

"If you want to," he said,"I don't want to pressure you, you know I'm happy
with things as they are," inside he was screaming, 'Yes, yes, yes!'

But her face dropped, "You don't want to have sex with me?"

'Idiot! idiot! his inner critic screamed, it had returned from an early
retirement from exhaustion to yell at him, "Of course I do," he said, "Are
you kidding, you're a beautiful woman with a great body, but I want you to
know that as great as that would be, I can live with this if you want it to
go no further."

She seemed to think about it and he thought, 'That was my best line ever,
please, take the bait, take the bait.'

"George, I want to take things to the next level."

'Reel her in baby,' he thought ecstatically.
_ _ _

"Just slip past her," said Jerry, "Listen to their conversation, he might be
her brother?"

"I'm not going to do it," said Elaine, "You had your chance with this woman
and you blew it."

"I'll do it," said Kramer, he slipped on some sunglasses and made to stand
up.

"You can't do it," said Jerry, "I've seen you try to be silent and subtle,
it's pathetic."

"What?" said Kramer, "I can be silent like the night."

"You're about as silent as Newman in a potato chip factory," Jerry said,
"I'll take a chance," he stood up, picking up the paper and walked towards
the table with the woman and man at it, then he put a look of surprise on
his face.

"Look at that," said Elaine, "It's pathetic, simply pathetic."

"Yeah," said Kramer, "I could have done a much better job."
_ _ _

"Hi!" said Jerry, "Remember me?"

"Oh it's you!" said the woman, "We were never introduced - I'm Marlene and
this is my brother Martin."

"Oh," said Jerry, "Your brother? Hi," he put out his hand to Martin, "I'm
Jerry Seinfeld."

"I know," he said, "I've seen you on the Tonight Show and Letterman."

"Hey," said Marlene, "What happened to you the other day?"

"Oh right," said Jerry, "Didn't you see the hit and run?"

"Hit and run? no."

"Right after you went in this guy got hit by a car, he was in real pain, I
called out for someone to call an ambulance but no one listened, you know
what New Yorkers are like."

"Yeah, it's terrible," said Marlene, "So what happened?"

"Well my car was parked around the corner so I drove round and picked him up,
then took him to the hospital."

"Oh you're so brave, did you get there in time?"

Jerry just grinned, "I was faster than a speeding bullet."
_ _ _

George stood in front of Sheryl, she was completely naked and lay on the bed,
legs spread, "Take me George," she said.

George was about to go to work, then Elaine's voice came into his mind, 'You
men have such a double standard.'

"You know, there's something I'd like to do for you first."

"Hmmm? what."
_ _ _

"So I felt guilty about rushing of with the paper, it's not much, but you can
take this evening one of mine."

"I'm grateful Jerry," she said, "But that paper had a number written on it
about a modeling job?"

"You're a model."

"It was my first job, but it would have paid a lot."

"I still have the paper in my apartment, I could go get it, it's just across
the street."

"I'll come with you," she said, "You don't mind?"

"No, no of course not."

Marlene turned and kissed Martin on the cheek, "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Seeya sis," he said.

Jerry and Marlene walked past Kramer and Elaine, Kramer looked at them,
"Where are you two going?"

"Just up to my apartment," Jerry said with a smile, he and Marlene walked
out.

Elaine stared at Kramer, "Can you believe that?"
_ _ _

George licked and probed, Sheryl moaned and gasped in pleasure, she reached
down and pressed his face down against her vagina. George rubbed his nose
around as he tried to turn his face for breath and she squealed in pleasure.

"George," she gasped,"You're fantastic."

George smiled and bit lightly on her clitoris, maybe this wasn't such a bad
idea after all.
_ _ _

"Okay Alan, I'll be there Wednesday at 9am, thanks."

Marlene turned and smiled at Jerry, "Thanks for letting me use your phone,
you're a life saver, how can I repay you?"

"I'll think of a way," said Jerry.

"I can think of one right now," she said, she placed her arms around his neck
and pulled him to her, she kissed him lightly on the lips, "You'll love
this."

She lowered herself to her knees and unzipped his fly, she slipped his half
erect cock out and licked it lightly, then she took the entire thing in her
mouth and began to deep throat him.
_ _ _

Sheryl came, her juice flowed around George's mouth and down her thighs, he
sat up and she smiled at him, "I am so lucky to have met you," she said
grinning.

"So," he said, smiling, "Do you have a little something for me?"

"I sure do," she said, "Come over here."

He moved over to the bed and she sat up, she kissed him, her tongue snaking
deep down his throat, then she lay back and spread her legs, "Fuck me
George."

'What!' his mind screamed,'Fuck me? fuck me? what about my blowjob?
_ _ _

Marlene's tongue bobbed up and down on Jerry's shaft, his breath began to
come faster and faster now and she abruptly stopped, she removed her mouth
from his cock and smiled,"Gotta save that cum for the best sex you'll ever
have."

Elaine's voice flooded through Jerry's mind, 'You men have such a double
standard.'

"There's something I'd like to do for you first," he said.

"What?" she asked, confused.

"How about," he said, making his voice sound generous, "I give you a
blowjob?"

She stared at him, then she said, "Are you crazy? That's sick, when you fuck
me it'll be like you're licking your own cock!" she yelled out, she stood up
and stormed to the door, she opened the door, startling Kramer, who was about
to walk in.

"He's sick!" she yelled out, "He wanted to give ME a blowjob!"

"Oh there there," said Kramer, putting an arm around Marlene's shoulder, he
winked at Jerry,"Tell Kramer all about it," he led her into his apartment.
_ _ _

"I can't believe it, said Jerry, sitting in the restaurant, "I got a
fantastic blowjob and ruined sex by offering to give her a one, I'm so
stupid."

"Well I don't know about you," said Kramer, "But I feel great, that Marlene
is dynamite in bed."

"Thank you very much Don Juan DeMarco," said Jerry, "Here's George, hey
Georgie, how was the date?"

George sat down and looked at them with a glum expression, "We had sex."

"So? how was it?" said Elaine.

"It was the greatest sex I ever had," said George in a dejected tone, "She
said I was the best lover she had ever had."

"That's great," cried Elaine, "But she can't have had much experience."

"Haha," he said, "The thing is though, I gave her oral sex, but then she gave
me nothing but sex - I feel so cheap."

"Congragulation Georgie Porgie," said Elaine, a satisfied smile on her face,
"Today you are a woman."

End.

    

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