Seinfeld: Elaine On the Internet/Pacific Rim-Job (MMM/F,oral)
Scene opens at the diner. Jerry and George are having lunch.
Jerry: So I got my new Superman toy today!
George: Superman toy? What Superman toy?
Jerry: The Superman with "Spin-Fly Action!" It's great! Mego Toy Company,
Nineteen-Seventy-niiiiiiiine. (Nods meaningfully)
G: (Disinterestedly gestures with his tuna on rye) "Spin-Fly Action". It's
been years since I got that kind of action. D'you you understand me?
J: I don't doubt that. (Excitedly) No! It's a great old toy that I've been
dying to get! I bought it on the internet!
G; What, that information superhighway thing, right?
J: That's right. I found a newsgroup where people sell toys, and this guy
sold me the Superman. And you know where he was from? Spain! Imagine! I
find a guy in Spain that has the toy I wanted! It's incredible!
G: I dunno. I think it's a big scam.
J: Scam? What scam? I got my toy didn't I?
G: Yeah, yeah. But sooner or later it'll come back to haunt you.
J: (Pause) Haunt me.
G: Yes! Haunt you! It'll happen Jerry! That guy in Spain is going to
track you down through your computer and RUIN YOUR LIFE! Trust me on this!
I saw it on CNN! He'll go through the phone lines and muck-up your credit
and turn you in as a child molester! You'll get FLAMED?
J: Flamed? What is flamed?
G: You DON'T want to know!
J: Do you know?
G: I have no idea, but it sounds horrible, doesn't it?
J: I don't even know why I listen to you. You can't even even operate an
answering machine, what do you know about computers?
G: I know baby, I KNOW!
(Kramer enters, leers at waitress, falls over chair and casually slides into
J: Cosmooo. George was just telling about the dangers of the Internet. He's
afraid it's going to come and ruin his life...
K: Oh-hooo! No way man! It'll CHANGE your life! I love it! LOVE IT!
Gotchachacha! (Nearly falls out of booth)
G: YOU'RE in it too? You don't even have a calculator!
K: Nah! Who needs it? I got a 486 with a Pentium processor and a GIGA BYTE
(gestures madly) of HARD DRIVE! I'm WIRED BABY!
G: When did you get a computer?
K: Last week. Joey Pestcatamone gave it to me in a card game.
J: Who the hell is Joey Pescatamone?
K: (Mimes zipping lips and looks scared)
J: Uh-huh. Anyway, George, you gotta get connected!
G: I'm not gonna get connected. I have no interest in the outside world
whatsoever! Why would I want to talk to it on a computer? It's a
typewriter, okay? Smith-Corona is all I'll ever need!
K: You're a Luddite, you know that?
J: He's a NEO-Luddite!
K: There's sex, you know...
G: (Quietly, feigns interest) Yeah, I know.
K: CH-CH-ChAAAtttt rooms...
G: (Simmering panic) I know I know I know...
J: Dirty picturrrrres...
G: (Exploding) ALRIGHT ALRIGHT! I KNOW! (They both look at him
expectantly, he crumbles) I want to be on the highway!!!!! I want to cover
myself in Vaseline and cruise to In-fo-ba-ha-ha-han! (SOBS)
Kramer and Jerry wink at each other as audience applauds, FADE)
SCENE II: Jerry's apartment. Jerry, George and Kramer are huddled around
the computer. Kramer is in a red velvet robe and boxer shorts, George is
wearing jockey shorts and a tshirt, Jerry is fully dressed with his polo
shirt tucked into his jeans. They are staring intently at the computer
G: C"MON BABY! C"MON!
K: It's decoding! Don't rush it!
G: I wanna see the JPEG! GOTTA SEE IT!
J: What have I started?
K: Sh-SHHHHH! Here she comes! Come to papa!
(Their expectant looks of excitement turn to disgust)
K: Guuu-huyAH! That's sad.
G: (Slumped, dumbfounded stupor) That's the ugliest woman I've ever seen.
J: JEEZ! That's the ugliest CUMSHOT I've ever seen!
G: How can you have ugly cum? What kind of diet would it take to produce
K: No vitamin B. THAT'LL do it!
J: Man, I've got better cum shots of Elaine in my photo album!
(George and Kramer START and look at him slowly and simultaneously)
J: I mean that metaphorically, of course.
K: I thought you said she gave lousy blow jobs! You took pictures of bad
BeeJays?! Ooooooo! Giddyuyp!!
G: You took photos?.
J: Well, Elaine gave horrible blow jobs, and I thought taking pictures would
get her into it.
G: Did it work?
J: Well, you'd have to see for yoursel-No. Forget I mentioned it.
K: Jerry, you've got the pictures and we've got to see them!
G: I'm a desperate man, Jerry. I'll hurt you, I'll hurt you badly. Don't
underestimate a sexually frustrated Jewish man, Jerry! Don't do it!
K: You want to share, Jerry. You know you want to!
(Jerry is backed up against the wall, looks back and forth between them,
panics, then relaxes)
J: (Nonchalant) Okaaaay. I'll share.
SCENE III: Elaine in her office at the J. Peterman Company. Mr. Peterman
Elaine: Mister Peterman! I've got all of that research together for your
trip to Thailand.
Peterman: Ah, excellent! You know, Elaine, one can never be truly prepared
for the wonders of the orient... No matter what you've read about the Jade
Jungle, no matter how versed you are in the pathways that the Buddha trod,
you are destined to be amazed and delighted by the mysterious-
Elaine: Well, I got ya some pamphlets anyway.
JP: Well, thank you,
E: Mr. Peterman, have you thought any more about me coming with you on the
trip. I would LUUUUV to see Thailand.
JP: Ah, well, Elaine. I would love to have you accompany on my exotic
voyage, but there are...mmmm....certain...activities that doing business with
our seedier clients in the orient require, and I could never ask you to
participate in them. It might be too...disquieting...
E: Oh, Mr. Peterman! I can handle it! I'm a grown woman, and I know I can
help! I'm a STAR in business meetings! Anything you need! Just ask me!
JP: Well, Elaine, how do you feel about...ahhhhhm....
E: YES? WHAT? NAME IT!
JP: Elaine, how comfortable are you with...FELLATIO?
E: (Alarmed, shocked) Um....fellatio?
JP: Yes, Elaine, fellatio! Oral sex. The Singapore Swallow! The Bangkok
Cocktail! SEXUALIS ORALIA!
E: Oh, that...ummmm...I'm pretty good...
JP: You don't mean that, do you Elaine?
E: (sighs and looks away) No....really...I'm great...!
(Laugh track/music-Commercial break)
SCENE IV: Jerry's apartment. Jerry and George are lying exhausted on the
couch in their underwear. Elaine suddenly walks through the door.
Elaine: Hi! I used my key.
Jerry and George: Hi...(Suddenly they look at each other, freak out and jump
up. George runs over to stand in front of the computer, Jerry stands between
George and Elaine, obviously flustered.)
E: (Laughs) You guys want to go into the bedroom and get dressed? I'll wait
Jerry and George: (Panicky) No! No! We're good!
Jerry: We're just really...
George: Warm! Very, very warm! INCREDIBLY WARM HERE!!!!!
Jerry: So, you must be uncomfortable and want to LEAVE now! Bye!
E: No, whatever. (Slumps on the couch) I've got big problems. Jerry, I
need a favor.
J: Sure! Just let me know what it is, and I'll get back to you later. Meet
ya at the Coffee Shop?
E: No, listen. Mr. Peterman won't let me go to Thailand unless I can prove
to him that I give great blow jobs. Do you still have those pictures you
took that time?
J: (Completely floored) Pictures? What pictures. (George shuffles
uncomfortably in the background)
E: Jerry! You know what pictures! Those pictures that you took that time?
That time I gave you that great blowjob?
J: Ohhhh, THOSE pictures! Gee, ah, I think I lost those pictures...
E: You LOST THEM? You said that was the best blowjob you ever got! How
could you lose them?
J: I just lost them.
E: You lost my blowjob pictures?
J: Lost em!
G: He lost em! (Jerry glares at George, George shrugs)
(Suddenly Kramer walks out of the bathroom, naked and brushing his teeth)
Kramer: Whaterya talkin about Jerry? All those pictures are in the scanner
(Wide eyes all around. Hysterical laughter from audience. Elaine runs over
to computer, throws George out of the way. She looks at the computer and
E: What have you done?!!! You posted them onto the internet!!!
(Close up on screen. Face shot of Elaine, smiling for the camera with
Jerry's cock in her hand, come dripping from her lips, across her cheeks and
sprayed all over her curly/kinky "Nice "N" Easy" Hair)
E: You posted this to the Internet?!
K: Thirty-six JPEGS! UEencoded for easy access!
(Close up on screen. Another shot-this one of Elaine on her knees in one of
those long ankle length dresses she wears, her calves, white socks, and
penny-loafers against Jerry's cum-spattered hardwood floor)
G: Well, look at it this way, you can just call up your boss and tell him he
can check the World Wide Web if he needs references...(LAUGHTRACK!!!)
(Elaine glares. Another screen shot of her licking the cum off the floor,
one breast falling out of her white peasant blouse)
J: What do you have to worry about? Peterman is way too out of it to know
about the Internet!
E: Have you seen the new J. Peterman Catalog? "Savvy Outfitters For The
Cyber-Saffari?!" He's online twelve hours a day! You didn't know that?
J: ....No...wasn't aware...
K: Haven't read this month's catalog. The New Yorker Fiction Issue threw off
(Elaine glares again. Flash to another screen shot of Elaine sitting on the
floor, she is holding her left leg up to expose her naked pussy under that
long skirt and licking cum off her loafer)
G: Well, if he does see it, I think you can start packing for Thailand!
E: No! This is terrible!
J: I don't understand! You wanted the pictures to show him you can give a
good blow-job, but you don't want him to see them on the internet? What's
E: Look at the captions on the pictures! "Elaine The Happy Cock sucker"?
J: Well, Kramer came up with the captions...
G: The Vac-U-Cum was mine...
E: Jerry! If he sees these he'll think I'm a super-great cocksucker!
J: And you'll get to go on the trip!
E: Right! And I'll suck!
E: No, I mean I'll SUCK!
K: Hey! Listen! I've SEEN the pictures! You got COCKSPERTISE, Baby!
E: No, Kramer! That was a fluke! I'm not as good as it looks in the
K: Impossible! Jerry, tell her the truth!
J: Well...( Staring at the screen) ...it was nice and all..., but....OH! IT
WAS A FLUKE! IT WAS A FLUKE FUCK!
E: A TOTAL FLUKE FUCK! I can fake it, but there's NO WAY I could do that
again! No way!
(Elaine's purse starts to ring. Everyone looks at each other, she pulls a
cell-phone out of the purse)
(Cut to J Peterman, his face illuminated by a computer screen)
JP: Elaine? Get you passport renewed! Soon you will be navigating the Balmy
Boardrooms of Bangkok!
E: Really, Mr Peterman? ...(wincing) What changed your mind?
JP: Well, let's just say that a few hours in ....cyberspace cleared my...
head. I have the utmost confidence in your... ORAL Presentation... Have I
described to you the Byzantine nature of Thai bureaucracy? Simply getting
through customs may mean satisfying a dozen officials! I was actually
hesitant about bringing a professional lady-of-the-evening, for fear she
would fail me, but now I know I can bring my personal assistant, my own
Mistress Friday to cirCUMvent any obstacle!
E: That's, great , Mr Peterman. I won't let you down.( Worried look, Laugh
Scene V: Still in Jerry's apartment. Kramer and Jerry are on the couch.
Jerry's dick is limp and he looks disappointed. Kramer's dick is rock hard,
ten inches, and he looks bored. George is sitting in the chair, anxious and
irritable. Elaine comes out of the bathroom naked, holding a glass and
gargling. She spits into the glass loudly)
E: Okay! Who's next?
(Everyone looks at Kramer's hard cock)
K: Shhhhheeegh! Phew! Okay, give it a shot...
E: Gee, you seem sooooooo into it!
K: Well, I'm the trickiest dick, baby! I can't help it if I'm difficult!
E: (Gets down on her knees and starts licking Kramer's balls. Her head is
moving frantically back and forth, her tongue all over his balls. He starts
to giggle, and then buck his hips around, his dick Kramer-ly slapping her
face. Elaine works his balls into her mouth as the head of his cock pokes
her eye. The audience laughs madly as Jerry and George shake their heads)
K: I'm sorry! It tickles! I can't help it! Besides, I'm an ass-man!
E: Well, Jerry's spent! Who am I supposed to practice on? I need to be a
world-class cocksucker by Thursday Noon or I'm out of a job!
(George clears his throat, looks away)
J: Well, you haven't done the swarthy bald-guy yet!
E: Sigh. But don't I have to do Kramer first? He's the biggest one! He's
the real challenge!
G: Hey! I'm a challenge, too, ya know!
J: He's right, ya know...Even in Thailand there will be heavy-set bald-guys.
I think you should be prepared for everything!
G: (George hangs his legs over the arms of the chair, exposing his asshole
J: Then, there's always the Pacific Rim Job to consider...
E: Sighs, crawls over to George and tentatively licks his asshole.
G: Oh! My!
E: (Licking, probing, rimming)
G: Oh, BABY!
E: (Begins to lick and rim passionately, spurred on by his enthusiasm. Then
she takes his cock in her mouth and starts pumping up and down on it. She
works him up into an orgasm and jacks him off-his cum spraying all over his
face.) C'mon, Georgie! C'mon! Cover me with your jiz, you bastard!
G: (George cums all over her face and hair, squealing like a schoolgirl the
whole time. His hips pump up and down and his body convulses in pleasure.)
E: (Smiling stupidly, soaked in semen, she strokes his cock) YEAH? YEAH?
G: (SIGHS) Ehhhh-Okay.
J: It was...really... heartfelt!
E: What do I have to do?!!
K: Practice, baby! Practice!
E: Fine! I've been practicing! Jerry's spent, George is done, and YOU'RE
TICKLISH! What'll I do? I have to be an expert at sucking off unattractive
men by Thursday! What'll I do, Jerry? What'll I do?
J: (Pause, clenches fist) NEWMAN!
Scene VI: Hallway outside Newman's place. A line of Postal Workers waiting
to get in... Cut to inside. Newman is lounging in his chair, Nero-like.
Elaine is standing in front of him, wearing the white peasant blouse ripped
down the front, long skirt and penny loafers. Kramer is holding her
hands behind her back while Jerry talks to Newman.
N: You present an interesting offer! Elaine needs to learn the art of
Cocksucking, I can provide numerous Federally-subsidized penises for her
consumption! I think, perhaps, Jerry, that I can accommodate your...
heh-heh-heh...EX-GIRLFRIEND! I'm surprised, though! Based on your act,
I would have thought you were an indefatigable lover! Why do you need my
J: I don't need your HELP, NEWMAN! I'm Just (Gritted teeth) TRYING TO BE
N: Is this true, ELAINE?
E: No, he's a under-equipped skinny white weinie.
N: And you need to service the BIG-MAN, YES?
E: Y-yes...that's right...
N: And ALL the loyal members of the United States Postal Service?
N: All of them?
E: ALL of them...
N: Neither rain?
E: Nor snow....
E: Dark of night?
N: (Newman opens his massive robe, exposing his small hard penis) Will SWAY
these dedicated SERVANTS from their appointed ROUNDS!!!!
(Elaine drops to her knees and suckles Newman's penis. While Newman writhes
like an epileptic whale Kramer and Jerry glance at each other. Jerry
insecurely grasps his shriveled penis while Kramer's eyes bulge as his cock
grows to massive proportions. Kramer bops around apologetically for a
moment, then drops behind Elaine. With that funny, Kramer-like clumsiness
he pulls her ankle length skirt up over her hips. He pushes her white
socked-Penny-Loafered feet apart and plunges his fingers up her pussy.
Gleefully, he lubricates the head of his cock his her juice and looks at
K: I'm an ASSMAN-BABY!
(Kramer plunges his cock into Elaine's ass. Jerry puts on the shocked
Home-Alone face, Elaine's eyes bulge out, her mouth full of Newman's cock
and her nose bent against his fat belly. Laugh track-commercial)
Scene VII: Jerry's apartment. George is standing in front of the computer
wearing diapers. The phone rings.
G: Hello? Yes, that was my post. Yes, I'm wearing them right now. What?
Well. hold on. (Pause. Then sound effect of liquid pouring on the ground)
Yes. Yes I have. Pardon? Would I like to go to Thailand? Well, I
understand it's lovely this time of year. Sorry? Blow jobs?....
Waitaminnut. Mister Peterman? Is that you?