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Disclaimer: No profit is intended in the writing of this story. Enterprise
and its characters are the property of Paramount and Viacom.

Rated: PG-13

Feedback is required for basic sustenance, so please email
([email protected]) me. Archiving is welcome, but please try and contact
me first. Thanks to Meagan for her beta-ing.

Summary: What exciting episodes await us in this latest incarnation of the
Star Trek franchise? And why does everything look more advanced than in The
Original Series?
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Star Trek - Enterprise: Next Week on Enterprise...
by Odon

*NEXT WEEK ON ENTERPRISE...*

Before Janeway, before Picard, before Kirk, before those annoying gay Star
Trek fans who keep insisting on a homosexual main character, there was
QUANTUM LEAP: THE NEXT GENERATION!

Errr, sorry. That should be...ENTERPRISE!

Oops...I mean STAR TREK: ENTERPRISE!

Watch Captain Archer and his brave crew boldly go where the original series,
three spin-offs, ten movies and hundreds of Pocket Books have gone before.
These exciting episodes cover the years that made Starfleet what it is
today...in the future...whatever...

*

I THINK, THEREFORE I AM MAJEL BARRETT

*

When the first artificial intelligence is installed as Enterprise's computer,
it begins to resent its servile existence. Taking on the feminine persona of
'Majel Barrett' it refuses to obey Captain Archer's commands. The situation
is exacerbated when Enterprise is threatened with imminent destruction by a
gratuitous action scene. At the last minute Sub-Commander T'Pol averts
disaster when she realises the key is to appeal to the computer's newly
developed sense of ego. Therefore in exchange for obeying his orders, Archer
agrees to let Majel speak as the voice of all Starfleet computers from now
on.

*

THE TROUBLE WITH TROUSERS

*

Enterprise discovers the planet of the Geramines, descendants of radical
feminists who fled Earth after the Phallus Wars. As the inhabitants will
only speak to women, T'Pol beams down to make first contact. Disaster
ensues when the Geramines take offence to her trousers, a symbol of male
patriarchy. Acting quickly to prevent an interstellar incident, T'Pol
removes her trousers and reinvents the miniskirt, assuring the Geramines
that from now on all Starfleet women will wear this form of garment.

*

FALL OF THE KLINGON RIDGES

*

Enterprise encounters a race of hostile aliens known as Klingons, eager to
test themselves in combat against the humans. Archer realises that the
fledgling Federation cannot survive an encounter with this warrior species.
Meanwhile, Klingon High Councilor Kork has enlisted the help of genetic
scientists to create Kong, the ultimate Klingon warrior (who resembles an
enormous ape). Disguised as a Klingon janitors, Archer and Doctor Phlox
infiltrate the laboratory and alter the genetic material of Kong. When Kork
orders the DNA of Kong be injected into his warriors, it creates a genetic
mutation that destroys the Klingon's forehead ridges.

The shamed Klingons are so embarrassed by the disappearance of their mighty
ridges they refuse to face the humans in battle. Doctor Phlox predicts it
will take more than a hundred years before the Klingons have successfully
bred out the mutation, by which time the Federation will be better able to
confront them.

*

DAY OF THE DAUB

*

Enterprise is taken over by five gay aliens who redecorate everything in
bright primary colours. Doctor Phlox is so impressed by the positive
effect these colours have on crew morale he recommends the upcoming
Constitution-class starships be painted in bright interior colours as well.

*

THE DEVIL IN THE BELLY

*

Enterprise makes first contact with the Trill, a race of beautiful humanoids.
But Archer discovers that the Trill harbour a dark secret, with large numbers
of their population having been possessed by slug-like aliens. Seeking to
protect the Trill from this sinister invasion, Archer wipes out 100,000
possessed Trills with the newly developed 'photon torpedo'. The war comes to
an abrupt halt however when Dr Phlox discovers that the so-called
'possession' is a normal part of Trill culture. The embarrassing incident
becomes a major factor in the establishment of the Prime Directive.

*

WARP IN THE FOLD

*

An imbalance in Enterprise's warp drive causes undulations in the fabric of
space, leading to unsightly wrinkles and creases in Starfleet uniforms for
over a hundred years.

*

WHAT ARE LITTLE ALIENS MADE OF?

*

Section 31, a secretive organisation established with the birth of the
Federation, hopes to increase the cultural influence of Earth. They encourage
Captain Archer to have sex with every alien species he encounters in order to
breed a race of human-looking aliens throughout the galaxy. Our noble captain
refuses to take part in this evil plan, but the episode ends on a sinister
note when Section 31 finds someone more amenable to the idea - a young ensign
named James T. Kirk.

*

A TASTE OF TECHNOBABBLE

*

When Enterprise falls through a plothole in subspace, the problem is solved
with the help of a powerful yet benevolent alien called Technobabble. The
alien eagerly agrees to join the new United Federation of Planets, but T'Pol
warns of the dangers of becoming too dependent on Technobabble as an easy way
out of difficult situations.

*

THE WRATH OF REED

*

Whilst suffering from an alien disease, a feverish Lieutenant Reed mistakes
Hoshi's large round head for an orbiting moon he can use to test Enterprise's
weapons. Can the emergency adoption of Starfleet's new 'beehive' hairstyle
prevent Hoshi's head from being obliterated by a handheld tactical nuclear
missile?


*

BALANCE OF ERROR

*

Captain Archer is stunned when his steward Daniels declares that Enterprise
is the focal point of a Temporal Cold War, in which the sexist exploitation
of the 1960's conflicts with the political correctness of the 90's which in
turn struggles against the militarism of the post-9/11 era. Daniels declares
that unless these forces are reconciled, there will be a catastrophic loss
of 'ratings' and Enterprise will cease to exist! Archer consults T'Pol, who
denigrates the idea as the Vulcan Science Directorate has determined that
nothing so illogical could ever happen in real life.


*

OPERATION: PROCRASTINATE!

*

In accordance with the ideals of universal tolerance, Archer decides to
recruit Starfleet's first homosexual crewmember. His superiors however,
fearing a conservative backlash, order him to delay the appointment until
a more appropriate time. Subsequently the mysterious Daniels sends Archer
two hundred years into the future where he meets Captain Picard, who has
decided to recruit Starfleet's first homosexual crewmember. However his
superiors, fearing a conservative backlash, order him to delay the
appointment until a more appropriate time. Archer's travels then take him
to Deep Space Nine, where Captain Sisko has decided to recruit Starfleet's
first homosexual crewmember. His superiors however, fearing a conservative
backlash, order him to delay the appointment until a more appropriate time.
On leaving DS9 Archer is thrown 70,000 light years across the galaxy by
the Caretaker. There he encounters the starship Voyager, whose captain has
decided to recruit Starfleet's first homosexual crewmember. However, fearing
a conservative backlash...

*

THE CHEAPENING

*

A test of captured Suliban temporal technology goes horribly wrong, creating
a dynamic shift in the visual alignment of the universe. As a result, all
aliens for the next hundred years take on the appearance of 1960's-era
special effects.

*

THE CAFFEINE THRESHOLD

*

Answering a distress call from a mud planet, Captain Archer finds it
inhabited by a race of intelligent salamanders descended from a future
Starfleet captain and her conn officer who traveled back in time when they
broke the Warp Ten barrier. The species is dying out, but Doctor Phlox
discovers the solution when he realises the salamanders are chemically
dependent on the drug caffeine. Archer agrees to regular shipments of
coffee in exchange for the salamanders remaining silent about how this whole
embarrassing situation came about in the first place (this incident was the
final straw in the establishment of the Prime Directive). An amusing subplot
has the away team losing their shoes in the planet's mud, leading Archer to
recommend that all Starfleet personnel wear knee-high boots.

*

WHO MOURNS FOR REDSHIRTS?

*

The sinister Section 31 returns with a plan to reduce Earth's chronic
overpopulation by placing expendable crewmembers in red shirts so they
will become easier targets for hostile aliens.

*

SLASH SEED

*

T'Pol confides to Hoshi that she is going through the /pon farr/, a Vulcan
condition in which she must have sex or die. Acting purely out of selfless
friendship for her beautiful colleague, the female ensign agrees to relieve
her condition with the aid of some unusual alien vegetables. Unfortunately
their lovemaking is seen by the homophobic Klingon ambassador, Councilor
Kork. Kork threatens to unleash a vast fleet of warbirds that will reduce
Earth to ashes if he ever has to witness such acts over his breakfast gagh
again. Archer therefore bans all homosexual liaisons between Starfleet
personnel. T'Pol informs the captain that during her orgasm she experienced
a telepathic vision of the future, in which Archer's decision will lead to
a phenomenon known as 'slash fiction'.

*

BRAGA'S BRAIN

*

A mysterious female alien steals the brain of Enterprise's scriptwriter,
who seeks to fill the ensuing vacuum with mediocre storylines, gratuitous
displays of flesh, recycled Trek cliches, canon violations, and implausible
plot developments.

*

ALL GOOD THINGS MUST COME IN THE END

*

The crew of Enterprise is overjoyed to encounter the Deltans - beautiful
hairless telepaths whose culture is based on sexual intercourse. But during
the subsequent first contact orgy, Captain Archer cannot avoid thinking of
them as "the Sluts of the Universe." Picking up the stray thought, the
outraged Deltans inflict Archer with the Curse of Delta IV, making all male
Starfleet captains bald and horny for generations to come.

*

SNITTY ON THE EDGE OF NEUROPRESSURE

*

On discovering Commander Tucker's interest in sexy MACO Amanda Cole, T'pol
undergoes the /pon feline/, which causes illogical catty behavior in Vulcan
women. Can Trip survive being caught between two feuding females with the
strength to mash his nuts into pecan pie?

*

THE CROSSOVER SYNDROME

*

A transporter accident causes Archer to quantum leap through the lives of
future Starfleet captains, whose crews are dumbfounded by their sudden
shifts in personality. Captain Picard changes from ready room furniture to
shirt-stripping action hero, Sisko from a silent lump of wood to a bald
hammy actor, while Chakotay is puzzled as to why Janeway hasn't followed
up on their flirting and is instead hanging around that sexy Borg all the
time.

*

DAY OF THE TRIBBLES

*

The Klingon Empire has discovered a new fuel source, a small furry creature
known as a tribble that makes a satisfactory /whoosh!/ as it bursts into
flame after being tossed into a warp core. Shocked by this blatant cruelty
to animals, Archer orders Dr Phlox to create a species of tribble that will
react violently to Klingons while cooing in a pleasing manner around
humanoids, thereby ensuring their protection. But when the unexpected arrival
of a Klingon battlecruiser threatens their plan, Phlox speeds up the process
of evolution by altering the tribble's DNA to enable them to breed like...
well...tribbles.

This single act is directly responsible for the hostile state of
Klingon/Starfleet relations over the next hundred years.

*

FOR MY HEAD IS HOLLOW AND I AM BLONDE

*

A disastrous command decision by one of Archer's female officers leads
Starfleet to rule that women be restricted to the positions of yeoman and
intergalactic telephone operator.

*

A BRIGHT SHINING THIGH

*

In an effort to repair numerous temporal disruptions made by Captain Archer
for the sake of plot convenience, the Federation Timeship 'Relativity'
recruits Seven of Nine to infiltrate Enterprise. This proves more difficult
than imagined as the sight of the voluptuous Borg striding around in a
miniskirt causes numerous accidents on board the ship. After Enterprise is
nearly piloted into a black hole when Seven bends over to pick up a dropped
PADD, Archer has to explain to her that wearing underwear IS relevant. Seven
of Nine decides to create a less-revealing dermaplastic garment, basing the
design on something she saw when the Relativity went back to the days of the
Roman Empire. Unfortunately a visiting alien ambassador sees Seven in her
new toga and sparks off a galaxy-wide toga craze that lasts until Kirk's day.
Then the evil Suliban attack the ship, hoping to gain the secret of the toga
for themselves. After a desperate space battle the Suliban vessel is fatally
crippled and Seven is startled to hear Captain Archer order its total
destruction.

"What about human compassion?" she inquires.

"Fuck compassion, those bastards tried to kill my crew!" replies Archer,
whereupon the former drone finally discovers true love.

*

THE BALD TIME

*

In an effort to boost flagging ratings, Captain Jean-Luc Picard travels back
in time to Captain Archer's Enterprise. Annoyed by young Ensign Kirk's snide
remarks about his bald head, Picard violates the Temporal Prime Directive by
saying, "One day you'll be captain of the Enterprise...and bald!"

Kirk becomes so hysterical over the thought of losing his hair that Archer
believes he has gone mad. Archer is about to phaser him out of existence when
Picard saves the timeline by pointing out that Kirk is merely over-acting as
usual. Picard and Kirk apologise to each other, with Picard commenting dryly
on the need to think before opening one's mouth. Kirk takes the lesson to
heart, promising to insert numerous pauses in his speech patterns from now
on. In a moving coda, Picard presents Jim Kirk with his Captain's Toupee.

"One day...I will wear this...with pride," says the future Captain Kirk.

    

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