MARRIED WITH CHILDREN
is owned by the Fox network.
I'm only playing with the characters
Also Murphy Brown is owned by CBS
Erica Kane by ABC. Oprah & Gloria Steinheim
are creations of my own fevered imagination
The story such as it is - is mine
(TG Magic & Sci Fi)
Al Bundy, shoe salesman, failure, husband & father - which was the most
humiliating title he wondered?
They all fit - like a old shoe he thought sourly & each one is a blister on
my heel. Yah, failure & with husband a close second - he finally
decided. Peg would be home soon & with the thought of his wife a shudder
ran through his big frame. God how he hated the woman! She would probably
try & drag him upstairs to have sex. He would rather go to the dentist
than have sex with Peg. He stuck his hands in his pants to still the hunger
pangs People thought he put it in there to masturbate. Fuck them ! Let them
think what they would the hand was there to still hunger pangs! He honestly
could not remember the last time he had a meal in his own house. Peg spent
what little money he had on clothes for her disgusting body - Maybe she was
trying to make herself attractive? He snorted with all the famed Bundy
derision. The only thing she could wear that he would find attractive was a
coffin or a shroud. The thought of his wife in the cold, cold ground caused
a momentary smile to lift the face's habitual, famous scowl. The only
reason he hadn't starved to death years ago was because he had rooted
through the garbage cans at the maul where he worked and had eaten the
With some difficulty, he hand to count off on his fingers. One - his wife
was a disgusting lazy, white trash pervert. Two, his daughter was a bimbo
headed whore that had trouble opening doors or making change, three his son
was a disgusting, lying sneaky pervert. Count your blessings, Al he said
sourly. Oh, yahoo he had a lot of blessings - he just couldn't think of
them. Certainly not his feet - the smell was known to set dogs howling
miles around, it wasn't his job - selling shoes to woman was a torture the
Spanish Inquisition had drawn back from with a humane shudder. The door
opened & in strolled Marcie Darcy with her usual bright smile of
superiority. She was dressed expensively in a low cut evening gown, she
looked sexy & vibrant with heath, her blue eyes sparkled with
intelligence. God how he hated the sight of her! No doubt she had come to
gloat., the bitch. He was right for a change.
"Oh, hello Al " said with a smirk. " Just thought I would drop by &
tell you that Jefferson & I are off to Morton's steakhouse - the bank - of
which I am president - is buying us a fabulous dinner. "
" Dinner, steak - food - glorious food - " ( you torturing fiend!
He thought )' Say Marcie if there is any left overs - "
She laughed gaily - " We'll eat them oursleves of course! Its for
your own good, Al. Solid food now after so many years of not eating your
probably kill you. "
He hated her almost as much as he hated his wife. Right now he
hated everybody! Too bad the world doesn't have one foot with corns - I
would stomp on it! The thought of roasting his wife & Marcie tied together
on the same spit over a roaring fire made his face almost smile. The
doorbell rang. He got up to get it.
"Watch out, Al, it maybe a dissatisfied customer with a shot gun.'
She warned with a merry laugh. She glanced at her gold Rolex." What is
keeping Jefferson? Honestly that man is forever primping. I guess I
shouldn't complain. He's the best trophy husband my money could buy."
Al came back with package from Indian. "it's from Peg's Uncle - the
chicken thief - you know. He's always sending us junk."
"It might be valuable; open it "said Marcie Darcy, with the usual
acquisitive gleam in her eyes.
Al obediently unwrapped it. He looked at a small statue of a two
faced god - one face was smiling - while the other was crying. He knew just
how the crying face felt. " Its almost as ugly as Peg " said Al.
Marcie slapped his arm -' That's no way to talk about your lovely
" Did you say lovely wife? " he said incredulously. " If I had
anything in my stomach I would through it up all over you. "
Marcie gave him a look of disgust & found a note that fell on the
floor. Gingerly she picked up. " God I can hardly read this man's writing -
he must be almost as illiterate as you. Humm - 'This is the God of
reversal. Legend has it that Two willing people can exchange their lives
one for the other by placing their hands on the idol' , ( AL does so &
Marcie is holding it ) and saying -"
Together they read " I wish I was you. "
The lights flicker & both of them stagger & blink. Al, shakes his
head & says:
" Can you imagine anyone wanting to be you, Al? " Then very
excitedly - what's happened to my voice.
Marcie stared wonderingly at him & then stumbled to the mirror &
stared in shock at what she saw. Al's head turn & saw Marcie & he screamed.
" This is a horrible nightmare! It can't be happening " he ran to
the mirror, too.
Marcie touched her smooth face & then grinned with delight & played
with her breasts.
" I take it back, Marcie " 'she' said these aren't the breasts of a
chicken, they're not as big as the ones in big-uns magazine, but they do in
a pinch! " 'She' pinched them with a grin.
"Al, we've got to switch back! " 'Al' picked up the idol & held it
to a laughing 'Marcie'.
" Fat chance! I've escaped - I'm free, free! No more failure - no
more husband to Peggy the peg brained! I am now you, Marcie Darcy - he
rich, bank president. I hope you like working in a show store. Don't worry
I will tell you what trash cans hold the best garbage! " 'Marcie' laughed a
" Help! " 'AL yelled. The new Marcie smelled - Al's feet. She
wrinkled her nose -the odor was disgusting.
Peg walked in.
" Oh, hello you two" she said with a bright if stupid smile. " Arguing
Marcie, in Al's poor excuse for a body, down on his knees before a glowing
'Marcie' who grinned down in triumphant at 'him'
" Please! " he wailed " You can't leave me like this! "
" I don't know what you're talking about, AL BUNDY " said 'Marcie'
Maliciously. ' Oh there's Jefferson.
An incredibly handsome man strolled in. " Oh, Hi Al, - hello Peg. Sorry it
took me so long, dear " he said & took 'Marcie's' by the arm " Shall we go
dear, Morton's steaks are slizzingly! "
The real Marcie gave unknowingly a good imitation of Al's opened jawed
stupidity. As she or now rather he stared that the beautiful couple
" See you later, AL but I need to get in MY Mercedes & drive to my
expensive dinner with my trophy husband. "
"No, No! " cried the new AL.
" Yes, yes! " said the new Marcie.
" Don't worry Al, I have a treat for you. " said Peg with a predatory gleam
in her eye. She started dragging Marci in her husband's body towards the
stares. " Me! Its sex for you tonight. "
'AL' screamed " NO, Peg, ,NO! "
But she was used to these protests & just kept on dragging the begging,
pleading, and wailing man up the stairs to his doom.
" But you don't understand Peg I'm not really your husband - I just
look like him! "
She stopped his mouth with a slobberingly Kiss.
" Now, Al you tried this stupid trick before trying to say you were
someone else - once you ever tried to tell me that you were Oprah Winfrey
in disguise. Do you think I'm so stupid I don't even know my own
husband. Nobody in the world has feet that smell like yours! Come up & do
The former Al took great delight in watching his old body dragged
kicking & screaming upstairs. She sighed with satisfaction & thought -
sooner her -him then me!
" Well, Jefferson, the steaks are getting cold "
The Mercedes started right away & God was it comfortable. Later she
bit into a juicy, tasty steaks - were they ever delicious. She thought of
Marcie starving to death & forced into sex with Peg & it made everything
even taste better!
Jefferson watched his wife in mild surprise. The gusto in which she
attacked a 20 oz porterhouse steak surprised him. You would think that she
felt she hadn't a good meal in years! Also, she didn't bitch at the waiter
about their table or at his service as was her habit. He knew her small
stomach wouldn't be able to finish the steak & he was proved right. They
finished the bottle of champagne though. She was smiling & gay during the
whole meal & chattered about things that interested him - no boring bank
politics. She looked at him calculatingly.
" Jefferson, have you ever thought of getting a breast enlargement
" No!" he said & put his hands across his chest protectively.
" You would look good with - "
"Marci - absolutely not! " Her name seemed to bring her out of it & she
looked startled & giggled a little bit.
" Sorry, just kidding! "
He breathed a sigh of relief. " Good!"
Al sighed contentedly with him. It was the best evening he had since he ran
for 5 touchdowns. His new body's feet didn't stink, he didn't have bad
breath, didn't have a beer belly - most of all he didn't have Peg! A wicked
smile formed on lips, that had until a few hours ago, had been the proud
property of one Marci Darcy. I wonder, he thought, how Marci likes
servicing Peg?! Sooner, her - him, then me! I hope she likes her new body -
cause I certainly am not giving this one back! Superstitiously he checked
his purse - the statue was still safely there. As was his credit cards -
credit cards & cash. Al hardly recognized such items. Effusive, he ordered
another bottle of champagne. I still can't believe all my god fortune, he
thought with awe - for example when Jefferson & I first came in the waiters
had smiled & were polite instead of running to lock the doors.
Later, arriving home, Jefferson opened the door for him, as they
got out of their car & started for their house. Then Both paused. The
screams of a man in more than mortal agony came from the Bundy's. Jefferson
shook his head sadly.
" Poor, AL! "
'Marci' just smiled broadly. Peg will never know! I hope Marci is
enjoying herself, & laughed a rather cruel feminine laugh, He was free!
Free! Al glanced calculating AT Jefferson. The champagne had loosened his
inhibitions. I wonder, he thought, what women find so great about sex? What
the hell I might as well find out! At least Jefferson takes a bath once a
day instead of once every couple of months - & he actually wipes the shit
away form his but instead of letting it build up until gravity pulls it off
the way Peg did. Maric's thin shoulder shuddered. 'She' took Jefferson
firmly by his arm.
" Jefferson " he said in Marci's commanding tones.
" Yes, dear. " he said resignedly. The evening was going to end up
in the usual manner. Marci smiled up at him.
Upstairs she undressed & beckoned him over.
God that felt so good! Al thought & laid back & let Jefferson do
most of the work. This was great! Later he started screaming in Marci's
voice. God this was better then pumping away in Peg. Al urged Jefferson on
& later after three bouts, lay sated in her new husband's arms.
Jefferson was pleasantly surprised. Marci hadn't complained about
his love making. Well don't look gift horses in the mouth. She seemed to be
in an unusually good mood.
The next morning AL woke up in Marci's body & in Marci's bed. She'
stretched luxuriously -sex had been great last night - she kissed Jefferson
gratefully & thought that having food in their house for breakfast made her
good mood even brighter. Wrapping what had been Marci's body in a robe she
skipped down to prepare breakfast. The smell of bacon was heavily!
Outside Al ran into her old self. Her former body looked like it had aged
years overnight. The shoulders hung forward & the in the morning light the
heavy, repulsive face suggested that the lips would never smile again, the
clothes were worn & unwashed. Al in Marci's best business suit & high
heeled boots & fresh underwear felt vastly superior to this dreg of
" Have a good night, Al? " asked 'Marci' sweetly.
He just looked at her with eyes that had been drained of hope. " That was
the worse night that anyone could have. I would have rather gone over
Niagara falls in a barrel. "
" Strange Jefferson & I had a great time. The steaks were rare & juicy.
" Rare - juicy? " asked the new Al, lips twitching uncontrollably.
" Yes in fact I have some left over. "
"Some left over? " he asked drooling.
" Yes, " A doggy bag was produced - " over 15 oz of prime porterhouse house
steak with mushrooms."
" Please, Please! " he groveled.
" Al, that is your name isn't it? Isn't it? " she asked pulling it away.
" Don't! Please don't! OK OK - that's my name. Now give me the steak!" his
mouth was drooling.
" What's my name, AL? Call me nicely by my name.
"Marci, Marci, Marci Darcy. "
" Good boy! Now just give me the combination to the vault & this
juicy steak is all yours. "
" Never! "
" Oh, Well good by Al. The garbage cans next to the food court are
you best bet for breakfast. "
" No!!, No!!! - all right - its 13 - 13 - 1313. "
" That's a good boy. Now here's your steak. "
The man grabbed it from her & ate like some wild beast.
'Marci' pulled away fastidiously Some men were real animals! She got into
her Mercedes & drove away.
'Al', got in his dodge & finally got it started & lunched his way to the
maul. The thought that he would have to spend the day selling shoes to
women filled him with nameless dread and then after that - I will have to
go home to PEG! What a life I have been straddled with! Murderous thoughts
filled his mind - of Marci & Peg roasting on an open spit over a roaring
fire, The thought almost made him smile. God! How Al, stealing his body &
his life had gloated over him - & had dared to wear that power suit & those
brand new boots! I'll be back, somehow I'll get back! & then I'll never go
'Marci' walked smiling into the bank, but underneath was a little
worried. Can I pull this off? She was immediately reassured. The guard on
seeing her, instead of instinctively going for his gun, smiled
ingratiatingly & ran to open the door. God! It was great - everyone was
afraid of & groveled Lets see, what did Marci tell me once about what she
said every morning at the Bank, Ah -
" Let's get to work, people & make some money! :
" Yes, Mrs. Darcy. " came the respectfully chorus.
'Marci'' found her private office. This sure beat selling shoes. She put
the stature away in a new safety deposit box. That afternoon she dropped by
the mail - not only to gloat, but she needed some info. She bought about $
5.00 worth of greasy food at the court & walked gracefully over to the shoe
store. The smell made her lips curl in disgust - it couldn't compare to the
elegant lunch she had earlier at the great French restaurant near her
work. I had dreamed about to eat there, she thought, but always got bounced
by the door man. With a very nasty smile she looked in the store. There was
'Al' trying to fit five size pumps on a fat woman that took at least an
eight. The poor man looked close to tears as he strained.
"Oh Al, " she said 'sweetly'.
He looked up " Come to gloat have we , you bitch!"
She laughed merrily. " Didn't you used to do that all the time? But no I
just I thought I would bring you some lunch & a couple of beers. " 'Marci'
waved the bag & six pack.
" You have a heart after all! " he cried rushing for the door. The fat
woman he had been supporting toppled over with a crash that shook the
" Not so Fast! " she held it away. " I have a visitor tomorrow - just who
is this Mr. Hamilton. "
"Al' tried to be strong - he wasn't going to sell out for a lousy six pack
& some greasy food, but oh god his body betrayed him & he found himself
spilling his guts.
" You've been very helpful, AL. Here's your treat. " Like a wild beast on a
feeding frenzy he tore into it & popped the beer.
About a week later Jefferson sneaked over to talk to his old pal,
Al. Marci was out on at some big bankers meeting.
" How are you doing. Old buddy?"
'AL' broken down & wept. " Horrible, how else. Oh, Jefferson,
Jefferson, haven't you noticed the difference in Marci?' ." Jefferson would
believe him he had to & maybe together I will be rescued form this hell on
" Yeah, have you noticed it, too? She's not bitchy like she used to be -
she even talks sports with me & though she wants sex as much - at least she
doesn't complain & chatter all the way through it the way she used
too. Yep, my life has really improved - how's yours. " God he hated it when
Al grasped his shoulder & started crying.
" Don't you know me, Oh Jefferson, I'm your wife - I'm Marci! "
Jefferson laughed. " Pretty good, Al, you whine almost the way she does. "
" Al, its been a week! That's long enough for you to recoup your strength!
" said Peg slinking into the room. " I know Jefferson will excuse you. "
She started to drag her unfortunate husband up stairs.
" No, Peg! For love of God! Mercy! Please no. "
Jefferson closed his eyes to the utter horror of the scene.
" I better let you two love birds alone " he said easing out the door.
" Love birds! Love birds! " cried 'Al' incredulously.
Jefferson couldn't believe his good fortune. Marci was actually going to
embezzle 2,000,000 from the bank after he asked her too.
" Well be rich, its sure thing, Marci! You can put it back before anyone
suspects. I have it all arranged fake ids & etc. & you can launder it back
through the bank - we should clear twenty Million dollars! "
" Sounds great!"
Marci had never listen to his any of his schemes before. At this moment he
actually almost loved her! He kissed & said " I love you!"
She kissed him back & they went upstairs, this time Jefferson employed his
talents with enthusiasm.
The next day 'Marci' met Jefferson with the money at the track."
Why are we meeting here? " she asked.
" Why to place the money on the horse, of course. " he said with rising
" Oh, you mean to tell me that you're risking a jail term for me & our ruin
to put 2,000,000 of the banks money on a horse? "
Jefferson looked sheepish - " Didn't I explain that part. I have a sure
fire tip on the third race. " He should have kept his mouth shut - now
sensible Marci would back out for sure.
" Sounds great to me! " she said hugging him.
Jefferson couldn't believe his ears. Was this his sensible wife! What had
come over her? I actually like her now!
" There off! "
Both of them found themselves unconsciously holding hands tightly.
" Come on, Sudden Change, " they cried with one voice.
Anxiously they watched the horse drop back into the pack. He was in sixth
place at the half way pole. Both started to sweat.
" He's moving up! He's moving up! " cried Jefferson. Marci hugged him.
Sudden change rounded the track into the home stretch in forth - no third
place, then he was second. Neck & neck he & the leader roared down the
stretch then Sudden Changed pulled away & won by two lengths!
Jefferson & 'Marci' jumped up & down with excitement & hugged & kissed each
" Hello, lifestyles of the rich & famous, here we come! " cried Jefferson.
" And won't Al, love to see us on TV " she laughed delightedly.
" I can just see his face & hear him complain now" said her husband.
NEXT On part 3 of our thrilling tale of good triumphant & virtue rewarded
the new Marci ( Really the former AL of course), feels guilty, & decides to
share her good fortune & in doing so may very well change the world.
The Very Rich ( some 22 million ) 'Marci Darcy' was flipping idly
through the pages of BIGUNS. She was disappointed. "Somehow it just isn't
the turn on it used to be when I was Al." She thought Then thinking of her
old miserable existence with Peg made Marci's delicate body shudder with
"Thank god, I'm out of that! I would die before I would be that
miserable Al Bundy again! ' Her lips curved in a cruel feminine smile. " I
hope the new Al is enjoying HIS LIFE! "she said silkily & laughed with
gloating triumph. "Not enjoying BIGUNS is a small price to pay, beside, the
ones I carry around with me feel good to the touch - especially Jefferson's
touch!' ' Marci' sighed with satisfaction. "What a hunk! But I still have a
problem Jefferson is expecting me to launder the money through the bank -
how in hell do I do it? She smiled & got up with cat like grace & went over
to their refrigerator & then made a phone call. She was so much smarter now
that she had Marci's brain, at first it had hurt to admit it - but she was
glad for it. Face it - Al's brain was a slug. Well now - Marci was stuck
with it. Some knowledge was still there, but the new Al seem to lacked the
brains to use it.
She opened the door & 'AL' came shooting in.
" You wanted to talk to me? I knew you didn't have the heart to
leave me like this. Where's the statue? " he cried looking desperately
" In a safe place. Forget about going back, if I hear any more talk
like that - especially to MY HUSBAND - I will hire some muscle to beat you
up. Glance at this, AL " she said seductively & handed him a copy of
" I will not read such trash! " he said indignantly, but his voice
trailed off as he looked bugged eyed at the hugely endowed model on the
" There's more inside, big & better. "
" Bigger, better " 'Al' said weakly.
" Big Better, go ahead open it up." 'Marci' was disgusted the way
the man's mouth gaped wide & started drooling. " How would you like a five
year subscription? :
" Five year subscription " he squeaked.
She nodded & showed him an enveloped with a filled out form & a
check. Then she dragged the man into the refrigerator & opened the door.
It was filled with food, he had almost forgotten what a
refrigerator with food looked like.
" It's all yours, AL "
" What do you want, you don't want me to have sex with you? " he
'Marci'; shuddered with revulsion. What a horrible thought. Sex
with AL. She almost lost her cookies. " No, I just need a little help -
laundering some money thorough the bank - now how do I do it?"
" No, no I won't tell you. You've stolen my body & my life & me
left to rot with your feet in yours _ I'm not going to help you any more!"
'Marci' smiled & waved the magazine at him. " Just think, AL, five
years of shitting on the can - reading, looking - having fun. Five years! &
I will throw in all this food & one hundred dollars cash - you wont have to
tell Peg about the money. '
Al broke down " You bitch! OK! OK! You win. "
'Marci' smiled triumphantly. " That's a good boy." She took notes
as he spilled his guts. 'God, was the man stupid!' she thought, & so
A few days later the Bundy's were surprised to see a moving van in
front of the Darcy's house. Marci in an expensive ermine coat was directing
the movers while Jefferson just stood by with a silly looking grin He was
in ecstasy. They were finally moving away from the Bundys! He didn't think
his wife would ever do it. She had loved lording it over Al too much.
'Al', Peg, Kelly, & Bud came out of their dirty house in all their
open mouthed glory.
'Marci' whipped out a picture of a lake front mansion. " Here's our
new home, it cost $ 2,000,000.16 but Jefferson & I feel its money well
spent, don't we dear?"
Jefferson kissed his wife with enthusiasm. " I'll say! "
Al started to sob. Jefferson took him aside. " Tears of joy, AL?
You won't have to put up with Marci's jibes any longer. "
" Where did you get all the money, Jefferson? "sobbed Al.
" Marci's changed for the better old buddy. She finally listened to
me & we made a lot of money & Marci - she's so brilliant - we laundered it
though her bank. "
'AL' sobbed harder. So that's what that bitch wanted the info for?
& She's rich & paid me a hundred bucks, & a subscription. " I'll kill her!"
he cried, leaping towards Marci.
Jefferson restrained him. " Hey man. That's my wife!"
" You don't understand! "'Al' cried, but Marci karate punched him
in the Kidneys & he collapsed in silence.
" So long, Al " she said " Thanks for everything! " she added with
a significance only AL understood.
Kelly was making fun of Bud as usual. About him being ugly,
dateless, except for his five finger exercise. This awoke 'Marci's'
slumbering conscience. I wonder if should help the poor pervert, she
wondered? Then Kelly walked over to her & looked smugly down at her.
" You look great, Mrs. Darcy. I suppose when a woman gets OLDER she
needs coats & jewels to be attactive! " Kelly posed her magnificent young
body at Jefferson to make her point.
'Marci' fumed. That settled it. 'You'll be sorry for that you
whore!' she thought & smiled sweetly at the younger woman. She looked at Al
sobbing uncontrollably & felt a great deal better; waved gaily at the
Bundys & drove off in her Mercedes.
Later the Bundy's received a video tape in the mail with Marci
graciously showing them all over her 20 room mansion. The Bundy's were
fascinated even though they thought 'Al's' wailing annoying. Enclosed was a
note inviting Kelly & Bud to lunch Saturday. Lunch, they thought -
especially Bud - was such a novel concept.
They drove over, Kelly in all her sluty glory as she kept telling
Bud - SHE had a hot date that night & what was he going to do - fight Dad
for the use of the bathroom? Bud looked sourly at his taller, gorgeous
sister in her Mini Skirt, tight blouse & high heeled boots.
The old dodge chugged to a stop before a guard gate. A guard that
looked like a defense end for Chicago bears, but one that hadn't stunted
his growth by smoking as small boy, glared at them with his hand on his
" What the hell do you two white trash low life scum's think you're
doing? " he said with an excellent summing up.
Bud started sweating profusely ( he sweated easily ) Kelly just
wiggled her body & said in her most stupid voice.
"We're hear to see Mr. & Mrs. Darcy. They want to see us I'm Kelly
Bundy & this is my brother Bud Bundy " she added reluctantly as if
confessing to zits.
He checked his board. " God, the Darcy's must be hard up for
domestics " he muttered. " OK, go on in, but you better be on your best
behavior? " he added threatening.
They drove up to an imposing mansion & feeling very intimidated
they knocked on the huge double oak doors. Heavy foot falls resounded &
when the door opened revealing a imposing, stout English butler, who seemed
to be born with a natural sneer even without moving his mouth, stood before
their quavering forms. He looked down at them as the Queen might have
looked at some unpleasant bugs crawling out of her crumpets.
" We're the Bundys " squeaked Bud without any pride. " Mrs. Darcy
asked us to stop by."
He looked up & down at them & sighed. "God wonders why? This way. "
He stood back gingerly to make sure that they didn't touch him.
They found Mrs. Darcy in her small dining room, dressed in a 600
dollar hostess gown.
" Good to see you both. What do you of Mine & Jefferson's little
home? " She glanced at Kelly & Kelly felt uncomfortable; there was
something in her smile she didn't like. Oh, well these aging woman were
always jealous of her Youth & Beauty.
Kelly & Bud wolfed down their lunches while Mrs. Darcy ate
delicately looking with distaste on her two guests. After they were
finished with desert Marci asked Bud to step into the other room while
Kelly went to the bathroom. When he returned to his sister he wore a broad
grin & eyed her up & down in a new proprietary air.
" Kelly, would like to play a silly game & earn fifty dollars?
"asked Mrs. Darcy.
" What do I have to do? " she asked curiously. The last time
someone asked her this question he meant being naked while they ate Caesar
salad off her body. If it was the same request she wanted a hundred -
sometimes she thought she could still smell the dressing.
Mrs. Darcy brought forth a two faced stature & Bud put his hand on
its top. " All you have to do is to put your hand on this stature & say ' I
wish I was you?' "
God was Mrs. Darcy weird or what? Who would wish to be Bud? What a
horrible thought. " I just have to say it, not mean it? "
" Oh course, dear. " She took out & laid a fifty dollar bill on the
Easy money thought Kelly. She put her beautiful hand on the ugly
Together say said " I wish I were you. " Bud with passion, Kelly
mouthing the words as if she bit into something sour.
Then Bud shook his head & stared as Kelly ran her hands over her
voluptuous body all the while Marci smiled maliciously at Bud - that will
teach the little bitch! she thought.
Bud gargled & opened & closed his eyes.
" Well, BUD trying to catch flies?" asked Kelly. " She laughed. "
Now I'm the beautiful one! Eat your grubby little heart out. Now I have
dates & can get laid whenever I want! You - well you short repulsive
creature - I guess you better practice your five finger exercise. "
'Bud' shook his dandruff ridden head. " This can't be real! I can't
be you! "
"But you are! " gloated 'Kelly' rubbing her tits "god do I love my
knockers! I can't wait until tonight when by boyfriend is sucking on them,
begging ME to have sex! Begging me!" she said with delighted wonder. "
Thank you very much, Mrs. Darcy! "
" You owe me - don't forget that. Remember our deal, from time to
time I may need you to entertain some of my business associates."
" I won't forget! Don't you forget the new wardrobe."
'Bud's' eyes rolled up & he fainted.
'Marci' rang for the butler. He looked down distastefully at the
dreg of humanity on the floor.
" Is he dead, Madam? " he asked hopefully.
" Just fainted. Have him removed please, Jeeves "
" Very good, madam. I will arrange for the gardener - he is use to
handling manure & so he hopefully will not mind touching that body, besides
he can always use Gloves. " He stared at the beautiful girl. 'What a
slut', he thought,' she can't keep her hands off her lush body.'
After spending twenty minutes in the bathroom bringing Kelly's
former body to organism the Bundy's left. 'Kelly' protesting eternal
gratitude to 'Mrs. Darcy'. Bud still semi conscious.
When they got home 'Kelly splashed water into her 'brother's' face. & stood
over him doing major gloating.
" Now, you're the ugly one, dear sister. & I'm the beautiful one! "
'Bud' kept shaking his head ' No, No, this can't be happening -
give me back my beautiful body! "
'Kelly' just laughed. The doorbell rang. " Oh, that's MY DATE "
said the new Kelly. " Tah, tah, BROTHER. Don't do anything I wouldn't do. "
The handsome, rather stupid looking, muscular guy came in & kissed
'Kelly" resoundingly & she rubbed her body suggestively all over him, not
only enjoying the sensations of this new form, but delighting in he agony
the old Kelly must be feeling.
" Bert, don't be fooled that's not me! I'm me. "'Bud cried.
" What's your repulsive squirt of a brother talking about?" asked
" Who knows who cares? " laughed 'Kelly' with delight, still
rubbing herself against the man. " Why don't you just belt him a good one &
lets blow the joint! "
He nodded. " Sounds like a winner. "
A horrified ' Bud' received a powerful fist in his mouth & went
down. Kelly laughed & strolled over & kicked him in the side with her high
heeled boots. Then with her arm through Bert's she laughed & went out to
"I can't wait until after dinner. " she said suggestively touching
" Me either, my beautiful Kelly! " he said, looking at the gorgeous
creature before him.
'Al' was miserable. But the person who used to be Marci Darci, bank
president, was growing used to that. What really worried him - aside from
sex with Peg - was that he was growing to used to it. He popped a beer he
had stolen from a neighbors refrigerator & put his hand inside his pants to
erase the hunger pains. 'It wasn't fair, he thought, her beautiful body &
beautiful life was now being used by the real AL! Who was now living in
luxury, fucking Jefferson, while he was stuck a the shoe store & had to
come to home to PEG. Thinking of the wife he had inherited 'Al'
shuddered. He sighed & picked up a copy of BIGUNS & disappeared into the
bathroom. But the misery he felt was only a pale shadow of the misery felt
by the short, ugly young man living in the basement.
'Bud' stared into the cracked & dirty mirror as hoping against hope that it
would show a different reflection than Bud's miserable shrimp like Body,
creepy face and vague air of being ready to crawl under women's skirt's to
peek. He shook his head & found himself screaming once again. My god do I
miss my beautiful, sexy gorgeous, fabulously, perfect body! Bud has no
right to it! HE HEARD A FALSELY SWEET VOICE call
"Oh, Bud - was that you I heard screaming in agony?"
He looked up and stared at vision bathed in light at the top of the
stairs. His former body stood there smiling in triumphant. Its great legs
were revealed by her best leather skirt, her best imitation silk blouse was
filled by her unimitation great tits. The beautiful blond hair framed an
incredibly pretty face. Beautiful blue eyes stared down with infinite
"All alone again, Bud? " she laughed. " Well as usual I have a
date! If you want you're usual 'date' you'll have to wait. Dad's just gone
into the bathroom and you know how long he stays in there!"
'Bud' rushed up the stairs & 'Kelly' stepped back to avoid contact.
" Damn it, Bud " he said. " You can't keep my beautiful body, live
my life, fuck my boyfriends."
" I can't? " she said smiling.
" NO! You have to give it back!"
" I do?" she said laughingly.
He longed to leap & throttle his tormentor, but 'Bud' remembered the last
time he had tried that he got his ass kicked royally & then 'Kelly' had
gone weeping to 'her' boyfriend' who then had pounded him to a jelly. He
could still feel the aches & pains from the bastard's fists.
" By the way, BUD " said this vision of feminine, trampy loveliness. "
Marci found me a new agent & I have an acting job in a TV movie shooting
here - Vampire vixens from Venus! "
" Shit - it should be me!"
" YOU!" laughed 'Kelly' " There aren't any parts for peeking toms or pimps
in the movie - that I know of that is. And by the way, BUD' just t make you
feel even better - I am only paying the agent the standard ten percent of
my salary. "
" But you told me the standard agent's fee was 80%! " stammered Bud
" And you were dumb enough to believe it! " sneered 'Kelly'. " Also, the
producer told me if I play my cards right - he would cast me as the Virgin
Mary in his next movie!" she said triumphantly.
'Bud' stared at his 'sister' my god, he thought, he is just trying to get
into her pants. - Will do it to, he thought, can anyone be dumb enough to
believe that anyone would cast her as the virgin Mary? 'Bud' stared at the
beautiful dumb girl with shining eyes. She's dumb enough. My god, I really
was a dumb blond! I guess I have Bud's brain's now - such as they are. He
sighed I guess I am smarter now, but I would rather be dumb & look the way
I used too. So what if I couldn't make change, he thought defensively. The
world was full of drooling guys happy to do it for me!
When 'Kelly's;' handsome date arrived to take her to dinner - dinner!
Thought a starving Bud - he broke out into tears as usual. This of course
added greatly to 'Kelly's' enjoyment & she went prancing joyfully out the
door. 'Bud's' eyes were so full of tears he hardly could see the prefect
figure that had once been his.
Later watching the Beautiful Kelly Bundy performing on TV, Bud was playing
with himself. His father came staggering down the stairs wearing the
familiar haunted look he had when ever he had been with Peg.
" Even though she has the brain of a pea hen, Kelly is certainly
beautiful " Muttered 'Al' listlessly staring at his daughter on the screen.
Bud broke into tears. " It should be me up there! "
" What re you talking about. You have the looks & personality of a
repulsive slug! " said his fond father.
" I know, I know, - but I used to be Beautiful. Daddy!, it's me! I
am really Kelly! Bud & Marci stole my beautiful body for fifty dollars! "
'Al' looked astounded.
" I know you won't believe me- buts its true. They tricked me out
of my beautiful body & now Bud has it - living my life getting laid by my
boyfriends, while I'm stuck in his miserable body with only my hand to keep
me company. "
" I do believe it, son - Bud - I mean Kelly. I - " shame flooded
his being " I used to be Marci Darcy. Hey, maybe by working together we
can steal the statue & force the body snatchers to give us our old bodies
'AL' clapped 'Bud' so hard on the back he was propelled off the
sofa head first into the TV.
" Watch the set, Boy! " he said as 'Bud' groaning put his head into
"Were you really Marci, dad?" said 'Bud' starting at 'his' father
in wonder. This repulsive slob used to be the refined, intelligent
"Is it any harder to believe than that you used to the sexy Kelly?"
So these two great minds made their brilliant plans to break in
the Darcy mansion & steal the statue. 'Bud' found much to his chagrin that
he could think much better now than when he was Kelly. They rented Mission
Impossible for ideas. After a few beers they drove into the exclusive
neighborhood where the Mansion was. Bud' shuddered remembering the guard so
large & powerful that he would make King Kong pick & chose his words. But
they managed to slip through using the sewage system Most people would have
been overpowered by the smell, but actually it only smelled a little worse
than AL's feet. Clunk Went 'Al's head on the manhole cover.
" Dad, that's using your head - not. Remove with your hands " said
" I knew that! " said 'Al'
They came to the front door, rested & drank a few beers. Thus
fortified. They crept like drunken Indians to the front door - knocking
over three potted plants & an arbor. 'Al' was convinced he knew the
security code that Jefferson would have installed.
" The conceited ass hole always uses his birthday " he muttered to
'Bud's breath grew excited. The thought of getting his beautiful
body back was terribly arousing. Much better than plastic figures of
girls. 'Al' punched in the code & they used a shoe horn on the lock. The
door opened NO ALARM!.
" Great work, dad. "
" Don't call me dad, Bud. "
" OK Dad! and don't call me Bud."
" That's better! "
" I think its in the library that evil statue! "
A sudden growl sobered them up. Large & unfriendly German
Shepherds came in the front door behind them. The men stood very still. The
light came on & a beautiful looking Marci' came down the stirs with a
Remington shotgun, Jefferson hiding safely behind her.
" Well, well, what do we have here? Dangerous burglars - the cream
of the master criminals of the world? Don't move! " she commanded.
" Its Al & Bud! " cried Jefferson.
" I can see that Jefferson! " she said sharply. " I've called
" Give us a break please. "
" Please who? Please who, AL?"
" Please, Marci. "
The guard arrived. " I called the police, Mrs. Darcy. But gratify
me -indulge me- let me work them over first - resisting arrest! I hate the
sight of white trash! "
" Just do it outside I won't want my carpet messed up " said
'Marci' with a sinister smile.
He grinned with fond anticipation, while the two Bundy boys babbled
for mercy. With the easy of a T Rex dragging pigs to its lair the
incredibly burly guard took them outside.
The sound of fists striking shrinking flesh was music to her
ears. Serves him right tying to steal back my body & as for that Kelly
bitch - that's what she gets for flaunting herself before my man!
" Aren't we being a little hard on them honey bun? "asked Jefferson
She patted his cheek fondly. " Jefferson, do you always want to haunted by
the Bundy's? They broke into our home to steal from us. They need a sharp,
but kindly lesson. Believe me " she said sweetly as the screams came though
the oak door " Someday they'll thank us for this. "
Jefferson frowned But only said " If you say so, dear. "
" Come on upstairs & I'll take your mind off those silly old Bundys. " she
" OK " he said with more enthusiasm then usual. The excitement of the
evening had turned him on.
As usual his wife squeezed him dry & her cries of enjoyment stroked his
ego. She was so much more response now that they had moved away from he
Bundys. Sometimes he fancied he was screwing another woman, but that was
just plain silly!
It was open & shut. What was left of 'Al' & 'Bud' were in jail awaiting
'Al' consoled himself that at least he was away from Peg. But about a week
after he was incarcerated he was surprised to be led to a room with a
bed. Wait, he was, told you have a surprise coming. The door opened & a
red head peeked around the corner.
"You who " said Peg coyly.
" What are you doing here " said 'Al' with a husband' fearful anxiety.
" Marci was nice enough, even after all you did to her to find me a nice
lawyer who got me conjugal visiting rights. I get to see you twice a
" KILL ALL THE LAWYERS" SCREAMED!" 'Al'.
Peg just laughed even more coyly. " Why 'Al anyone would think you're not
glad to see me " she said sidling up to him & pushing him irresistibly
towards the bed.
" No Peg NO! " he screamed.
A couple of hardened guards walking buy heard the blood curling screams &
" Someone is really being worked over in there - I've never heard anybody
scream like that!. " they said & hurried on.
As for 'Bud' Bundy he was paroled into the custody of his 'sister' she
turned him into a houseboy slave. Even the agony of watching Bud living in
her old body & wearing beautiful clothes & having sex with men was better
than going by back to the cell block. & occasionally 'Kelly' would take
pity on him & hire a ten dollar street walker to service his needs & she
feed him three meals a day.
'Kelly' asked him to zip up the most beautiful gold lame evening gown. God
she was so beautiful!
" Please, please I've learn my lesson. Lets trade back - I'll be nice to
you from now on. "
" Forget it, BUD I'm having too much fun! " she said. "its great having sex
two or three times every night. And do I ever get off in this sexy body!
All the guys just droll over me. " She looked at the disgusting man before
her & shuddered. " I don't understand how I was able to live so long in
such a repulsive body.
Then the vision of not so innocent loveliness glided to the door to be
picked up by her date in his limo. She liked going out with the men Marci
picked for her. Not only were they rich, but they took baths more than once
a week. 'Bud's' agony in watching her live as Kelly was so sweet. Life was
certainly good. She had finally triumphed over a tormenting sister."Now I'm
the beautiful one! " she thought with satisfaction.
A few weeks later 'Marci' sat reflecting on her good deed. The new
Kelly had proved invaluable getting some middle aged men into deals they
would regret later & had already made her & Jefferson another million or
so. She was thinking - I really should do something for my old buddies in
No Ma'am. Murphy Brown came on the TV. I can't stand that woman! She
thought. Always bashing men & bankers. Then she had an idea. Using
Jefferson's connections she persuaded Murphy Brown to come out to visit.
" All right, " said Murphy belligerently " What's the Publisher Prize
story, you allegedly have for me, Mrs. Darcy? "
" Come into the study, Ms Brown " said " Marci with a sinister smile. " I
can prove magic really exists. "
"Oh, great Another Crackpot! I wasted a trip here - "
They found a black Chicago cop with a broad smile waiting. Murphy noticed
that at least he had the good taste to be reading her brilliant
Autobiography " Murphy Brown's Century".
" Just put your hand on this statue & say I wish I was you " said " Marci
with a humorous light glinting in her eyes. She put down ten grand " Its
yours if I can't prove what I say."
" OK, " Ten thousand dollars was ten thousand dollars. Maybe she could use
it to finish having her apartment painted. She put her hand on top of the
statue and said along with the cop - " I Wish I was you!"..
Then 'Murphy' laughed & looked at her slim figure in the mirror.
" It worked - just the way you said it would! I'm the famous & rich &
glamorous Murphy Brown! " 'she' said with Murphy's polished & practiced
The cop screamed - staring with disbelief at the grinning ' Murphy Brown'
who turned & face him, eyes glittering triumphantly. Marci picked up the
" Change us back! " the fat cop cried, putting his huge hand on the statue.
" You have a sense of humor after all " said 'Marci'. From behind the cop
came three other members of No Ma'am & chloroformed the man. When he woke
up he was in a miserable flat with a shrewish wife screaming down at him.
" Your low life friends, brought you home! You just a drunken animal! "
The cop groaned. " I'm not who youse think. I'm Murphy Brown! They've gone
& went & stole my bod! " said the cop horrified at his accent & grammar.
The woman just snorted. " Murphy Brown - huh as if I don't know my own
worthless husband. Lets see yesterday you be Sharon Stone, I wonder who you
goin' be tomorrow? " She bopped the man with rolling pin with practiced
ease & dragged him into bed.
"Mrs. Eric Kane " said ' Marci' smoothly. " good of you to come. "
" My pleasure " said the beautiful, slim Erica Kane, glamorous
owner of a cosmetic Empire. Mrs. Darcy had hinted in a ten million dollar
investment in her company. She was surprised to find a very fat, short
repulsive looking man in the study with his hand on a statue.
Later a couple of hired thugs took an unconscious fat man to 'his'
waiting fat, ugly wife in East Cicero Chicago. 'Erica Kane' examined her
expensive manicure & admired her slim body in the mirror for the thousand
" How rich am I? "
" Millions & Millions, but don't forget our deal? "
" Don't worry - half her - I mean my wealth to you & its worth it!
But won't they believe her - I mean him. "
" Not a chance, not a chance. "
The first lady came to Chicago to visit the Darcy's - having been
promised 1,000,000 cash in a brown paper bag in a campaign
contribution. Mrs. Darcy & Mrs. Kane & Murphy Brown took her in the
study. She told the secret service agents to wait outside, not wanting
inconvenient witnesses. A few minutes later they heard the first lady cry
out & burst into the room to find a short, pudgy, ugly middle aged man with
a torn, dirty T-shirt trying to strange her. They pounded him to a jelly &
he was sentenced to ten years in Prison, the jury laughing themselves silly
at the claim that he could not be accused of attacking the first lady -
since he was the first lady. What a ridicules claim, the man could hardly
say or write a sentence without grammatical errors & he moved his lips when
he read. As for the president he was pleasantly surprised at the change in
his wife - she was not nearly as bossy & didn't mind putting out. Also, she
seemed to be dropping her extreme feminist friends.
Gloria Steinheim called very upset to complain to the first lady about her
change in attitude, & was promised a meeting at Mrs. Darcy's home. After
that Ms Steinheim & the first lady were like old friends again. It may have
been just a coincidence that later that night a balding, middle aged man
was beaten up in bar in Chicago spouting feminist views to the bar patrons.
Bud looked on hopelessly as 'Kelly' primped for her wedding to a wealthy
friend of Mrs. Darcy. He sighed seeing the vision in white.
" That should be me in that dress! " he whined.
" You!" She laughed. " Short, ugly, repulsive Bud Bundy, in this beautiful
wedding dress - their only for beautiful young women. You hardly qualify."
Mr. Jefferson was to give the bride away. 'AL' & Peg were only allowed to
watch the wedding on closed circuit TV. He had gotten out of jail on early
release when a federal judge found that the suit brought by the other
inmates that smelling his feet was a form of 'Cruel & unusal puinishment'
was fully justified.
" Oh, Al doesn't she looked beautiful - it reminds me of our wedding day. "
'AL' just grunted. It was no use telling her or anyone that he used to be
the rich Mrs. Darcy. No body paid any attention. A tear strolled down his
" Oh Al, you are moved! " cried Peg & she jumped his bones.
He screamed " No Peg, no! " But she ignored him as usual.
A month later Marci was watching Oprah on TV - a psychologists was asking
her opinion why lately some repulsive, middle aged men - real losers were
Claiming to be rich & successful woman - including the first lady?
Oprah just laughed lightly, she spoke with her usual practiced ease. " You
said it yourself - these men are low losers, they're envious & feel that
they, not women, should be on top. It's very sad - pathetic really. I just
glad no one is dignifying their insanity & giving unnecessary exposure to
these exhibitionists with their obviously. impossible stories. "
The studio audience laughed along with their heroine.
" Believe it or not the latest is the black assistant shoe salesmen who
claims to be you. "
Oprah let pout a peal of merry laugher. " I guess I'm in good company -
isn't some policeman trying to claim that he's my good friend Murphy Brown?
" He was, but I understand the psychologists have brought him into reason &
now he sees what an absurd fantasy it is."
" That's good to know. Maybe they can help the poor shoe sales man see the
light of reason. I can see whjy he fantasizes. It has to be a miserable
existence - selling shoes to women? I can't imagine a worse fate." Oprah
smiled at the camera and thought how wonderful her life was.
'Marci' laughed & clicked off the TV. Money & power - Money & power. It was
quite the aphrodisiac. She felt horny & found herself growing wet in her
" Oh, Jefferson! " she called.
Her husband came in with a broad smile. He had never been happier - his
wife was always pleasant to him & gave him 4 millions dollars to play
" Yes, Darling? "
She grinned lecherously. " I need you, stud muffin! "
"Ready willing & able! " he cried & picked her up in his arms.
She sighed contentedly. " All was right with the world! "
(Good triumphs in this world more often then we think.)