Frasier: Don Juan In Hell (MF,FF,FFF,F-mast,inc,oral,hand,voy)
Dr. Frasier Crane was driving his car up the Washington coast, on his way
to his father's remote fishing cabin. Since the ice-fishing season wouldn't
begin for several months, it was the perfect place to be alone and reflect
on the decision he felt he had to make.
For several weeks, he had been dating Lana Gardner, a real-estate agent. When
Lana introduced him to her friend Claire, he found that he was also attracted
to Claire, with whom he had a lot more in common. After Lana set Frasier up
on a date with Claire, Lana found that she also had strong feelings for him.
So, Frasier had decided to spend some time alone and sort out his own
Frasier found himself talking out loud to himself while driving - "On the one
hand, I've really enjoyed spending time with Lana - but she does have a son,
and I wouldn't want to come between them. Then there's Claire, who seems so
friendly, so fun..."
"More fun than I was?" said Lilith Sternin-Crane, Frasier's ex-wife, suddenly
appearing in the front seat next to Frasier.
"Lilith!" Frasier exclaimed with a start. "How did you get here?"
"Go on, say it, she's more fun than Lilith!"
"I...I must be hallucinating!"
"Very good, Dr. Crane. I'm not really here - you must be under a great deal
of stress," said Lilith.
"Yes, well, I find myself in a rather delicate romantic situation, if you
"Aren't they all?" asked the imaginary Lilith.
"I'm finding it difficult to decide which of two women to date."
"And, clearly, you need my assistance in determining which one would make the
"I suppose another viewpoint couldn't hurt," said Frasier. "But, if you're a
figment of my imagination, you can't really give me a subjective opinion, can
"I suppose not - however, as a reflection of your subconscious mind, perhaps
I can help you get in touch with your own decision-making process..."
"For heaven's sake, Lilith, you make it sound as if I'm choosing which pair
of shoes to wear!"
"Actually, that's not a bad analogy, if you..."
Frasier interrupted - "What I mean to say is, I'm not sure this is a decision
that can be made rationally. This is an emotional decision, and as we know,
emotions are not your strong point."
"Perhaps I could help," came a voice from behind him. Frasier looked back to
see Diane Chambers, his ex-girlfriend, in the backseat, and was so startled
that his car started to veer into oncoming traffic.
"Frasier, look out!" screamed Lilith. Frasier turned and grabbed the wheel,
righting the car.
"Diane!" exclaimed Frasier. "I'm sorry, I wasn't expecting a second
"I had to come, Frasier. I just still feel so sorry about what happened
between us, and I want to help you."
"Great," said Lilith, "the guilt trip and martyr complex combined."
"Frasier, have you forgotten the emotional roller-coaster this woman put you
on? It took you years to recover!"
Diane snapped back, "At least I have emotions, you...ice queen!"
Frasier attempted to mediate. "Ladies, please! This isn't about you! Clearly,
you're both here from my imagination for a reason - to help me make the right
rational and emotional decision."
"Well, why does she get to ride in the front seat?" asked Diane. "I knew you
"That may be," replied Lilith. "But I married him. Clearly that means that
our relationship was more significant!"
"But, you cheated on him!"
"Well, you left him at the altar!"
As the two women continued fighting, Frasier turned his focus back to the
road. "It's going to be a long weekend."
* * *
After unpacking some groceries, Frasier sat down on the sofa and opened up a
book he had brought along.
"Are you ready for your analysis, Dr. Crane?" asked Lilith, sitting on a
chair with a notepad on her lap.
"Can't I have a few minutes of peace?"
"Apparently not. Clearly this...situation will not let you rest until you
"Oh, very well," Frasier said as he put down his book. "If I must."
"You know how this process works. Please, describe the decision you're having
"All right. I've been seeing this woman, Lana, and she's... well, she's
unlike anyone I've ever dated. She's funny, sarcastic, sometimes crude,
even. Honestly, she's not someone I pictured myself falling for...but I
did. Then she introduced me to her friend Claire, who enjoys the opera,
fine wine - we just seem to have more in common. I just don't know if I
should risk everything I've built with Lana for the chance of a
relationship with Claire..."
"What was it that first attracted you to Lana?" asked Lilith.
"Well, she had just gone through a painful divorce...something I know a
thing or two about myself." Lilith nodded back at him. "I guess we just
formed this...emotional bond, based on a common pain."
"And what caused you to seek out and form this bond?"
"Obviously, it was what was missing from my life...I'd been dating these
'society women', and they just seemed...well, Lana just seemed more alive
"Interesting. So, you'd been dating dead women?" Lilith paused silently. "I'm
sorry, that was an attempt at humor. Frasier, come here, I want to show you
Frasier stood up and approached Lilith. "Pull down your pants."
"You heard me, take your pants off!" He did so, and Lilith pulled out his
penis from his briefs and started tugging on it.
"Lilith, I hardly think this is the appropriate time..."
"Frasier, relax. I'm not real, remember? I want to show you something." She
put his cock in her mouth and started fellating him.
"Well, it sure feels real..." said Frasier, as his eyes rolled back in
* * *
After about ten minutes of performing on Frasier, Lilith stopped when it
became clear that he wasn't going to come. He sat back down.
"Well, is that what you were so eager to show me? A blowjob?"
"Frasier, you didn't ejaculate."
"The whole time we were together, I never could bring you to orgasm that way.
At first, I thought maybe I was doing it wrong."
"Well, that's not true. It was very enjoyable!"
"Yet, you did not ejaculate."
"No, I...I couldn't. I felt...cold, somehow."
"Exactly. Because you weren't excited enough. I pleased you, but we failed to
connect on an emotional level. It was just...mechanical."
Frasier leaned forward. "Interesting, go on..."
"After we got married, I realized that I was... incapable of displaying the
emotions you required. I suppose in the end, that made it easier for me to
"So, I've been...seeking out the emotional connection that I didn't have with
"In a manner of speaking, yes."
"So, the real question is, why did I form a relationship with a woman who was
incapable of emotion? What was I looking for?"
A familiar voice came from behind Frasier again. "I assume that's where I
Once again, Diane Chambers had appeared from Frasier's imagination. "Hello
"Diane...of course." For some reason, Frasier did not feel uncomfortable
standing in his underwear in front of his ex-lovers. He seemed to be getting
more comfortable with his hallucinations.
"Wasn't it Kahlil Gibran who wrote, 'Ever has it been that love knows not its
own depth until the hour of separation.'? I hope you realize that I never
meant to hurt you."
"I know, Diane, and I thought I'd come to terms with our breakup. But now it
seems that it had affected me more than I'd realized."
Lilith explained to Diane - "You see, after you rejected Frasier, in order
to deal with his loss and anger, he turned to me, a rival in his profession,
seeking out the emotional bond that he had with you."
"Oh, Frasier, I'm so sorry. Sometimes I think I was so attracted to you
because I had just broken up with Sam - and you represented everything he
wasn't - you were like his polar opposite!"
"Of course, now it's all starting to make sense!" said Frasier.
"Subconsciously, we seek out what was missing from our last relationship, and
we often end up dating an opposing personality!"
"Please, Frasier, I want to make it up to you..." Diane started taking off
her clothes, stripping down to a white teddy. She led him over to the couch
and let him lay down, then removed his underwear. She stood next to him and
slowly removed the teddy, letting it fall to the floor.
Diane straddled Frasier and eased herself onto his erect cock - "Mmm,
Frasier, you're so hard! That's it!"
Across the room, Lilith was witnessing the action, and she started touching
herself through her clothes. Diane bounced up and down on top of Frasier, who
was clearly enjoying the experience.
"Oh, Frasier, that's it!" said Diane. "God, I've missed this so much!"
"You see, Frasier, the way she talks to you during sex?" asked Lilith. "I
could never do that..."
"Lilith, please!" said Frasier. "I'm trying to enjoy this, not analyze it!"
"Suit yourself," said Lilith, as she unbuttoned her blouse.
"Oh, Frasier! Fuck me! Fuck me!"
As Diane rode atop Frasier, Lilith removed her skirt and started to touch
herself through her panties as she watched. "Come on, Frasier, fuck her! Fuck
Frasier fucked Diane for nearly twenty minutes, while Lilith masturbated in
the nearby chair. Again, while the sex was very enjoyable, he found himself
no closer to orgasm.
"Frasier, what's wrong?" Diane finally asked.
"I don't know, Diane, I still can't seem to...go over the edge."
"Is it me? Because I can try something else..."
"Clearly, our analysis is far from over," said Lilith, as she put her clothes
back on. Diane, still naked, took a seat on the couch.
Frasier complained, "But, we figured out why I was drawn to you, Lilith,
because of what was missing in my relationship with Diane!"
"Yes, but what attracted you to Diane? Remember, Frasier, that the
subconscious mind has three parts..."
"Yes, of course, the ego, or emotional center, the superego, or moral center,
and..." The doorbell rang.
Diane slipped her teddy back on as Frasier crossed the room. "Now, who could
that be, at this hour?"
Frasier opened the door, and a short woman burst in, wearing a patched denim
dress and a large, floppy hat with a flower on top. She spun around, singing
- "Tickle your tummy, life is kinda yummy!"
Diane seemed very confused. "Frasier, who is this?"
Lilith leaned forward. "It's Frasier's first wife, Nanny G. children's
performer and certified lunatic."
"Frasier! You never told me you were married before you met me!"
"Well, Diane, it was only for a brief time, shortly after college."
Nanny G. whirled over to Frasier. "It sure was fun, though! We used to fuck
like bunnies! Little fluffy bunnies, running through the wood..."
"Does she have to sing everything?" asked Diane.
"You should see her stage show. Frasier and I took our son, Frederick, to see
her perform. I especially recall the part where Frasier stood up and yelled,
'Oh my god, that's my wife!' - it was quite humiliating."
"What's going on here? Do we have a couple of Gloomy Guses?"
"Well, um...Nanny, this is Diane, my....ex-girlfriend, and this is Lilith, my
"Hi! My name's Nanny G., and we're going to have fun!" She picked up some of
Diane's clothes off the floor. "Looks to me like the fun's already started!"
"I just don't understand, Frasier," said Diane. "How you could have
"Actually, this is another piece of the puzzle we were discussing earlier,"
said Lilith. "Nanny G. represents pure 'id', the primitive pleasure center,
constantly in search of instant gratification."
"Uh-oh, looks like someone got bit by a big green monster called Jealousy!"
said Nanny G.
"Listen, Mary Sunshine, you can take your two-bit philosophy and..."
"Lilith, please!" yelled Frasier. "Now, Diane, please understand that I was
very young when I met...Nanette. I was in college, and it was the Seventies."
"I met Frasier at a 'love-in', and then we fell 'in-love'," said Nanny G. "I
was studying music, minoring in child psychology. And we spent all our time
together. Remember the songs I wrote for you, Frasier, like, 'I Won't Mind if
You Do Me From Behind'?"
"I remember, Nanny..."
"Well, what are you waiting for?" asked Nanny G. as she leaned over the couch
and hiked up her skirt. Frasier walked around the room and started to fuck
her from behind.
"Oh, Frasier! You big hot stud! Fuck me harder!"
Diane watched in disbelief as Frasier fucked Nanny G. Despite her shock,
however, it was turning her on. The scene seemed to be having the same effect
on Lilith, who began touching herself again.
Diane helped Lilith out of her skirt. "Would you...like some help with that?"
she said as she cocked an eyebrow.
"You mean...you and...oh, no, I couldn't."
"Why not?" asked Diane. "Come on, live a little." Diane reached up to
Lilith's hair and released it from its tight bun. Then she slid into Lilith's
lap and started touching her breasts.
"I don't know, I mean, I've never...with a woman..."
"Shhh....just relax and enjoy it," said Diane as she tongue-kissed Lilith.
Lilith went limp and Diane started removing the rest of her clothes.
Frasier looked across the room and saw the hallucinations of his ex-lovers
caressing each other. Diane had her hand on Lilith's pussy, and Lilith was
making some advances of her own, tentatively touching Diane's breasts and
rubbing her nipples. The sight was incredibly erotic, and exciting him
further as he fucked Nanny G. from behind.
"Oh, that's so hot!" shouted Nanny G. "Come on, Frasier, fuck me harder! And
don't forget to spank me!"
Frasier spanked Nanny G. on the ass, which started her singing one of her
songs, something about being naughty and learning not to act up. It was
difficult for him to concentrate on her song, with his ex-lovers having
sex across the room.
Diane slid down off the chair and knelt in front of Lilith. She slowly spread
Lilith's legs with one hand while rubbing her clit with the other. She moved
her head between Lilith's legs and took a quick lick of her pussy.
"Diane, what are you....Ohhh! Oh, my!" shouted Lilith. Diane reached one hand
up to squeeze Lilith's tit while she worked the other one in and out of her
pussy. "Ohhh, don't stop! That's it, I'm coming!" Diane worked her tongue
hard on Lilith's clit to bring her to a loud screaming orgasm.
Frasier watched the scene across the room as Nanny G. spurred him on.
Watching Diane go down on Lilith had almost brought him to an orgasm, but
again he started to feel like it wasn't going to happen.
"Come on, Frasier!" shouted Nanny G. "You can do it!"
"I'm sorry, Nanny. I could do this all night and not come."
"I'm OK with that!"
Lilith approached. "Apparently we're not done yet. Something's still blocking
"Look, I understand. Together you three represent my unconscious mind. It's
obvious that I'm getting in touch with my id, ego and superego. What more
could there be?"
The doorbell rang again. Frasier put on a robe and opened the cabin door.
Outside was a crowd of naked women, who all said "Hi!" in unison. Frasier
slammed the door shut.
"Good grief! It's every woman I ever slept with!"
"You see, Frasier," said Diane, "every relationship is affected by the one
before it. You're always unconsciously seeking out what you had before, or
what was missing."
"Diane's right," said Lilith. "Now, we could be here all night, delving into
all your past relationships, or we could just cut to the chase."
"What do you mean?" asked Frasier.
"Well, it stands to reason that you were attracted to Diane, and her
intelligence and reasoning, after your wild relationship with Nanny G. So,
logically, what were you seeking when you got involved with Nanny G.?"
"I don't know...wild passion, perhaps? A free spirit?"
"Not exactly. But the answer is waiting for you in the bedroom." Lilith
leaned over to Diane to whisper in her ear.
Diane's face suddenly flashed with revelation. "Oh, Frasier... now, you have
to understand that behind that bedroom door is, in many ways, the perfect
"Perfect? I don't know if that's even possible."
"Believe me, Frasier," said Lilith. "Go to her."
"I don't know, I mean, that's so much pressure - in a way, I'm terrified."
Nanny G. started singing again - "Oh, whenever I'm scared, and lonely at
night, I cover my eyes and shut them real tight..."
"SHUT UP!" yelled Diane and Lilith in unison.
Frasier approached the bedroom door and slowly opened it. It was dark, and he
couldn't make out the face of the woman standing by the bed. As his eyes
adjusted, he could see a woman with a beehive hairdo, wearing an apron over a
polka-dot dress. "Hello, Frasier," she said.
"My little boy's all grown up! I hear you've been looking for me..."
"Yes, in one way or another, I suppose I have...for close to thirty years
"Well, Mommy's here now, to tuck you in. Now climb into bed..."
The three aspects of Frasier's subconscious watched from the living room as
Frasier's mother tucked him in. Diane turned to Lilith. "So, what's the
difference between the ego and the superego?"
"The superego represents moral and ethical restraint. In order to balance
these morals with the id's primitive desires, the ego's job is to meet the
urges of the id, while still satisfying the superego."
"Satisfying, huh? Sounds like fun...."
Hester Crane tucked the blankets under one side of Frasier's bed. "All those
women, and none of them knew how to satisfy you, Frasier. You've got to stop
holding them to such high standards, you know."
"And you've got to learn to be satisfied with what you have, not to run off
in search of the next woman."
As she lifted the blankets on the other side of the bed, she saw Frasier's
erection, still bulging under his robe. She reached one hand under the
blanket. "Here, let me take care of that for you."
As she grabbed his penis, Frasier looked over into the living room, where the
three hallucinations were having sex. Nanny G. was lying on the floor, with
Diane's pussy in her face. Diane was squatting over Nanny G., but also
reaching her head over to the couch, where she was licking Lilith's pussy.
Diane was keeping Nanny in check, while satisfying Lilith, symbolically
representing Frasier's unconscious.
Three quick strokes, and Frasier came, releasing a flood of anxiety and
pent-up emotions. His mother cleaned him up with a towel, and then kissed him
on the forehead. "Whatever you decide, I just want you to be happy," said his
mother before she turned out the light.
Frasier fell into a deep sleep.