Edited by P.J. (P.J. would like to thank all the unnamed people who helped by
providing interviews and assisting with research.)
Refer to the editor's glossary found at the end of this story for definitions
of unclear terms.
When possible, the author's original notes have been included.
Numbers by certain sentences indicate a corresponding note found at the end
of each part. The notes were included in 2006, years after author's initial
writing in 2002.
This story is dedicated to my mother, whose belief in me transcended my
faults and even her own breast cancer. I love you, mom.
Even Stevens: Reading Material For Your 11-Year-Old Nephew Part 1
by Dimes N. Nickels (feedback: [email protected])
I. "What People Can Do With a Mouth Nowadays is a Testament to the Ongoing
Scientific Research by High School Girls."
By twirling her tongue around the pre-arrive-dripping* head, Ren positioned
the muscle from the pricks of her ivory teeth and directed it away from the
dimly-lit tunnel of her throat. Her athletic red appendage performed
gymnastic and aerobic techniques, cushioning the throbbing slinky-dink* from
any detrimental molars, and preventing any aggressive stuffing or choking.
(*Author's Note: Some of the extremely-explicit words (usually referring to
body parts and actions with these body parts) have been replaced with more
family-friendly, parent-approved language to better suit Disney's policy of
non-offensive programming for all ages. -Dimes)
Ren Stevens was always a gagger. In forth grade, her best friend, Ruby
Mendel, dared her to swallow a whole carrot. It dipped about an inch down
her throat before the cafeteria woman instructed Ren to take a trip to the
nurse's office where her parents had to be called (and after much persuading,
the perfect student was allowed to remain in class and keep her attendance
record intact). A visit to her orthodontist, one C. Pines DDS, in Junior
High, resulted in a cleaning utensil slipping from his hand, squirting
fluoride on her cheeks and spraying into her mouth like a malfunctioning
sprinkler. A single drop landed in her throat, and Ren choked for two days
straight. Ruby made the comment during a usually-quiet study hall that "cats
with hair balls don't cough this much; I mean, oh my gosh, our football team
doesn't choke this much during championship games."
Unlike the Lawrence High Wildcats (who never could tackle or, ahem, swallow,
the "big one") Ren Stevens played her position with dedication and the ol'
college try. With her hands and knees firmly planted on her bedroom's purple
carpet, Ren swung her face from the edge of Jimmy's skin-pole and then
forward until her partner's lower hair tickled her nose. Sure, Ren Stevens
knew that rug-burns would take days to disappear into the her
fluffed-with-angel's-wings flesh, and it would take flossing until her gums
bled to unlatch every black curl of his hair from between her teeth, but Ren
had a mouthful of growing ambition.
Nonetheless, it wouldn't be just Ren who had to pay for the sins of
displaying an oral talent. Because, when Ren wasn't squinting her eyes or
rolling them backwards in her head, she was driving her brown marbles to the
sight of Ruby devouring Jimmy's twin brother Timmy, and showing Ren that it
wasn't the size of the carrot of the man that was important. No, it was the
size of the carrot in the woman's mouth that meant all the difference. And
this woman's diet consisted only of full (sometimes even uncut) carrots.
"Ricola, I'm buying plenty of Ricola for the sore throat that I just know
I'll be getting tomorrow," Ruby thought, as his wowzer journeyed down towards
There was only a small desk lamp illuminating the room, but what little
the light-bulb did shine, shined on Ruby's similar-to Ren's position like a
spotlight. It reflected an especially-bright spot on Ms. Mendel's right
romper-room cheek, and revealed the thumb and pointer finger of a red-hand
print on what was otherwise butter-like skin. And Ren would know how accurate
of a metaphor that was, and how close that girl's butt actually came to
feeling like a dairy product from the wonderful company of Kemps. After all,
it was Ren who often rubbed Ruby's behind in the girl's locker-room at
Lawrence High while waiting in line to use the gym's shower. Of course, when
Ruby would turn around in line to see who perpetrated the massaging, Ren
either hid her hands behind her back or pointed to another girl in line. (1)
But there were no towels for Ren Stevens to hide behind at Stevens Manor.
As much as Ren moaned and as much as she felt the rumbling in her stomach,
none of this would have even occurred had she not arrived home from Ruby's
sleep over prematurely. After Ruby became more concerned with her newest
"hunakroo" (a "hunkaroo" known as Dexter) on the phone, Ren was sent to
entertain a bag of Lays potato chips. Furiously stomping her feet each step
of the three blocks back to the Stevens Manor, Ren slammed the front door,
walked up the stairs, and wandered into her room where she curled up in bed
with her blankets. When the blankets pulled back, Ren sighed "please Mr.
Pookie, not tonight," raised her head and noticed a forty-year-old woman
sleeping between her covers. She screamed and Louis walked in to explain the
predicament to his sister.
Louis informed his sister that he enlisted the help of Tawny, Twitty, Beans
and Tom to convert the house into a bed and breakfast to help pay for a ski
trip. No matter how much he pleaded with his striking sister, and no matter
how many glasses of Minute Maid orange juice he handed her to help cool her
down, Ren kept the phone in her hand and threatened to call their vacationing
parents. However, when twins Jimmy and Timmy walked by in the hallway,
eyelashes flapped like a Laffy Taffy wrapper and Louis watched the phone
crash to the floor.
The three newly-aquatinted buddies retired to the dining room where they
ripped the box to "The Organ Donor Game" open, and scattered each piece to
roughly its corresponding bladder, pancreas, and liver spots. Ren knew that
there was a typical instruction booklet included, but reading complete
sentences was a nuisance while she was busy eyeing the Del Monte banana-like
peak in some man's pants. Each of them rolled the dice and moved their
markers, but mostly Jimmy and Timmy took turns driving their hands around
the turns of Ren's legs when their real turn was over.
Ten minutes later, a doorbell startled Jimmy's hand just as his fingers
slipped past the open zipper of her jeans. "I'm just working on a voluntary
basis as the Activities Coordinator here at the Stevens Manor, and I'm
volunteering not to answer the door," Ren said with a frisky laugh that
forced her to bend over the back of her chair and allow her chest muffins to
press up against the blouse. When the doorbell sounded six more times and
Tawny, Tom, Louis and Twitty all screamed for someone else to "get it," Ren
sunk her tummy in and pulled up the zipper on her jeans. She dragged herself
away and opened the front door.
Ruby arrived to apologize to Ren, although Ruby became much more concerned
with the miraculous (and unidentified) gust of wind that blew her hair, as
well as the orchestra of violins that played romantically, when she saw Ren's
guests. However, there weren't enough chairs for Ruby to sit on when the four
returned to the board game, so the perky blonde (who smelt of Aveda hairspray
and Trolli gummy worms) attached her sizzling caboose to Timmy's lap.
And by the time Ruby "accidentally" kicked over the game board and suddenly
declared it "Remove-Articles-of-Clothing Organ Donor Game," any disagreement
about paying attention was pushed behind Jimmy's chest hair. They left a
trail of jeans, shirts, sports bras and socks on the way to Ren's bedroom.
(The previous guest of the room was relocated to the Stevens Special Suite,
a.k.a. Louis and Ren's parents room, at no additional charge due to the
Before Ren could pipe up and explain the sheer ridiculousness of clawing at
non-clothed men that neither girl knew longer than twenty minutes, Ren and
Ruby's undergarments had dropped to around their thighs. They were enduring
a ninety-five degree Sacramento heat wave with a broken air conditioner (the
guests complained, but Louis soon discovered that the old adage, "I've got
someone working on it" bought infinite amounts of time when repeated).
However, Ruby didn't want to catch a cold (as her mother often told her would
happen when she'd run around barefoot in the front yard) so she kept one pink
ankle-length socks on.
Originally, Ruby told her best friend that "tonight is going to be a boy-free
zone" with plenty of "ice cream." Accuracy on anything was never a strong
suit for Ms. Mendel, but she was correct in predicting that there'd be a
sticky, oozing liquid in each girls' mouth. Nevertheless, their sticky,
oozing liquid only arrived in one flavor, but it did seemingly come by the
While Jimmy was the focal point for half of Ren's sugary stare, she
devoted the rest of its time to the girl on all fours performing the same
mouthwatering action besides her. Much like the line at school that presented
Ruby's bare rump cheeks as an exercise in resisting temptation, Ren Stevens
found her hand shaking as she reached towards the spotlight on her
bosom-buddy's flesh. At first Ren teetered like a dumb kitten walking on a
wire, but she leaned on her right arm, as well as Jimmy's excellent kneeling
posture, before she fell. As this occurred, Jimmy rubbed Ren's face with his
thumbs and brushed it like he was trying to wipe eyelashes from melting clay.
As he constantly delivered the stiff treat between her teeth, his humdinger
poked against her cheeks.
"You are so awesome. I never knew a girl so awesome. Like if awesome was
awesome, you'd be awesome awesome. You want to touch her?" he asked large
huffs and puffs. "Please, please do. Man, that'd be so awesome."
Ren threw her pupils to the edge of her eyelids and watched as her hand
caressed the round Stay Puff marshmallows of Ruby's perky behind.* At first
it startled Ren to see her own wrist sans jewelry. She always wore her gold
bracelet (even in the shower), and read its inscription when times were
treating her unfairly. It said, "To the most gorgeous girl in the world,
Love Bobby." Bobby didn't have to be her boyfriend anymore for it to cheer
her up. But, bracelet or no bracelet, Ren's sweaty palm applied a second
coat of perspiration onto Ruby until it glistened like flashing stars in the
newly-discovered constellation of "The Tight End."
(*Author's Note: You may notice an emphasis towards female derrieres in my
stories. If you do, then that means that you've been reading my story. I'd
like to write more about Ruby Mendel's butt. And if I did, that means I've
been writing my story. -Dimes.)
When Ren squeezed her Blue-Pool #5 polished fingernails into the rump, it
distracted Ruby from her concentration. The routine was as easy as washing
her hair. Suck air in, move face forward, breath out through nose, move face
back, repeat. A handful of a body part later, and much like the answers of
her Science test (2), Ruby forgot and let the air out with her mouth and
breathed in through her nose. Timmy used this as an opportunity to test her
deep-reaching abilities, which she also failed at. Ruby choked and pulled
When Ruby looked over to her friend for a potential suspect of the
romper-room touching, Ren pointed towards an empty corner of the room. The
only thing there with a pair of legs was the computer table, and it didn't
(*Author's Note: This computer table is not one of those new nail-having
computer tables that all the kids are getting nowadays. -Dimes)
"Yeah, Ren, uh-huh. I'm sure it was Nancy Tokawitz, or maybe Suzy Wannataste.
If I counted all the times that I was touched by an unidentified female in
the gym locker room, I'd, you know, have a really big number," Ruby rambled,
as she curled her lip towards Timmy's smiling Stove Top face-stuffing.* "Have
some consideration. If you want to touch me so bad, use your tongue or
something that's less pointy. I have a reputation to maintain, and if someone
finds out like Ryan Hopadish or Mike Whatzabout or..."
(*Author's Note: This kind of stuff happens all the time in high school. It's
true. This story is representative of a growing trend in society. -Dimes)
Just as she sprang the one hundredth syllable of the four hundredth
never-ending, run-on sentence of the day, Timmy slapped his hanging-tulip
against Ruby's ever-stretching oval mouth. His first assault caused her to
retract her face like a frightened turtle. The second dabble on her gums
caused Ruby to roll her eyes, giggle under her breath, and ascend back on
his wowzer. However, he retreated and just as she was about to attach her
lips to his manhood, he playfully fiddled his stiffness on her nose.
Ruby smiled until her cheeks grew to the size of pincushions, shook her head,
and said, "My mouth is said to be very talented; it performs like a decathlon
of oral sports a day."*
(*Author's Note: Oral is a little strong. I may replace this word with a
hyphenated adjective like mouth-involved, or change it completely to a
"...decathlon of Colgate Dentist-Happy Smile Sports a day." She has a great
smile. Makes my eyes water in the non-sad way. -Dimes.)
When he brushed the strawberry locks from her face, it was like opening a
curtain to a play about every humdinging dream that ever left his sheets
sticky after a sleep-filled night. He could not only feel his heartbeat,
but see it as well. This was because every time his chest bumped, his
wowzer wiggled along with it. Ruby rubbed her cheek against it like a
kitten brushing up against its owner's leg.
"If my girl," Timmy said with the occasional "oh" and "ah," "would fool
around with the brunette, I think I'd shoot right in Roxy's mouth."
"Rubphmmmy," Ruby mumbled, trying to say her own name with a slinky-dink on
"What?" Timmy asked.
As much as it disappointed Ruby to detach herself, she pulled out without
protest. The constant dragging motion of her pouty lips always made them as
numb as if they had endured a doctor's shot of Novocain. When Ruby had to
break the motion, the feeling came back and the sensation had to be
reapplied. Still, she toughed it out with a string of saliva attaching itself
to Ruby's lip and the other end hanging on his slinky-dink. As she pulled
away it drooped to an inch above the ground and then broke. Ruby slurped her
end up in like a Campbell's chicken noodle soup noodle.
"Ruby, not Roxy."
"Ruby, got it," he said. "And you are..."
"...oddly extremely excited in the bottom half of my being," Ren said, as she
pulled Jimmy's wowzer from her mouth and gasped for a breath.*
(*Author's Note: Another perfectly-clear sentence. -Dimes)
Ren reached, grabbed a hold of Ruby's right butt cheek and pried it away from
its identical left half. The lower set of puffy lips opened to a horizontal
grin when Ruby sucked air in, then closed when Ruby breathed out. To Ren,
that additional set of lips was blowing a kiss to her, and Ren thought it'd
be ill-mannered to not respond in kind.
A change occurred in Ren's vocal tones as she crawled to Ruby. The once
demure, cheetah purring of the "Elderly-Home Volunteer of the Month"
transformed into a howl of a hungry grizzly bear (albeit, a fur-less grizzly
bear with a small C-sized bra and a rump that jiggled when she laughed). Her
deliberate motions looked as if her legs and arms weighed twenty pounds more
than she could ever carry. If Ren was the hunter, Ruby was an naive trout
swimming upstream (gill-less, but much like a fish, she was most comfortable
Ren first tucked her chin to her neck and rubbed the side of her face on
Ruby's left cheek. The sixteen-year-old-girl-flesh-on-sixteen-year-old-girl-
flesh friction* grew until Ren could feel sparks fizzle up her inner thigh.
Through all the opportunities Ren ever had to touch Ruby, none ever gave her
the chance to appreciate the smooth texture for such a length of time. Ren
felt like she was 3 years-old again, and that Ruby was cotton candy. She
licked it again. (3)
(*Author's Note: This line is a little strong, but I like the image. It could
be interpreted as almost anything, though. A child might assume that Ruby and
Ren are just playing patty-cake. Children are getting slower and slower
nowadays. Stupid children are everywhere. -Dimes.) (4)
The long, wet splash* caused Ruby to perform a chirping giggle, and to lose
her highly-regarded and often-requested concentration. Although, when she
fell out of the suck/breathe rhythm this time, Timmy was more focused on
Ren's attention to Ruby than he was on Ruby attention of him. Usually, this
would have been a monumental disaster for Ruby (one that certainly would
have caused her to question her technique and perhaps make her weep in her
undergarments), but Timmy's arrive was waiting at the edge of the hole. By
the time Ruby pulled away to gather some air, his "little boys" were saying
their final good-byes to the other million seeds with slithering tails before
being shot out of the cannon.
(*Author's Note: As opposed to those DRY splashes? Nice job, Dimes! -Dimes)
"Ohhhh goodness," Ruby moaned, stuttering each syllable as if her fuel was
nearing empty. "You are a light-switch, Ren!"*
(*Author's Note: This sort of line comes up many times. It kind of makes
sense after awhile. Kind of. -Dimes)
Ren's first lick to Ruby's sacred section was disjointed, and she slobbered
more on the blonde's crease between her mound and her leg than on her c**t*.
Nonetheless, during her second attempt Ren combined hugging her friend's legs
from behind, resting her nose just above the edge of the back-end hole, and
flicking her tongue. Ruby fell forward, and planted her face between Timmy's
legs. The blonde gossip columnist licked what she could, as Timmy stretched
his growing manliness and watched as Ren's face disappeared behind a mountain
of Ruby's skin.
(*Author's Note: This word, when all the letters are inserted, is colt.
"Oh, my goodness, I ahhhhhhhhhh..." Ruby exclaimed, as her lips repositioned
into a kiss and smooched the length of his wowzer. "Geeze Ren, that's right
you got that `A' in health class, didn't you? You little teacher's pet."
Ren turned on her back and slid under Ruby. The body of her friend descended
until she could feel Ruby's thighs brush up against her chin, and what little
light did permeate the room turned to a coat of perspiring darkness. It
didn't matter that Ren received only half of the needed oxygen, because
during the rare chance that her nostrils took in air, that air was the fruity
fragrance emanating from Ruby's gooey Nestle's tasta-rific bud. Her spot
smelt like blueberries, strawberries, watermelon and a host of other natural
ingredients. But not cherries. There was no cherry to be found in Ruby's
With the image of Ruby using Ren's face as a chair embedded so far into his
conscious that when he close his eyes he could still view the munch-feast,
Timmy felt his soldiers preparing for the next dive. He thought it would take
three strokes. However, his little men, which had been waiting for as long as
they could for their cue, jumped the gun and shot. Timmy's first string of
white ooze landed right on Ruby's shoulder, hung on while stretching to the
carpet, then splat on the floor with a soft thump. His second opportunity
came when Ruby moved her face in the middle of the oncoming blasts. It
collided with the edge of her adorably-shaped nose, trickled down, and was
about to hit the ground, but Ruby stuck out her tongue just in time for it to
be caught like a snowflake by a child during a snowstorm in December. A third
strand flew into the air and rose just above Ruby's forehead, but arched
downwards until it splattered into her right eye.
Although she tried to shut her eyes in time, Ruby found that a speck
ricocheted off the bottom of her lid and splashed into her blue pupils. She
immediately threw her finger to the little men's target and dug furiously to
dislodge the burning substance. While a fraction of Ruby's screaming was from
the intense pain, the other half was the result of Ren's continued licking.
The final symphony from Ruby's mouth was a mixture of horror-film shout and
fallacious actress performance.
Whether it was meant to be horrifying or horrifyingly-exciting, the scream
still gave Jimmy (who, by this time, moved to edge of the bed) a reason to
increase his rate of self- touching. His fingers tugged at the pulsating
wowzer as he watched Ruby jerk her back from one side to another while
squealing and flickering her eyelashes so quickly that it looked as if she
was going into convulsions. All that Ruby's beautiful blue peepers could
manage to make out were flashes of yellow, so when Timmy grabbed her by her
cascading blonde locks, and proceeded to wipe the remainder of spillage off
on her cheeks and hair, she wasn't allowed to complain. Nonetheless, she
wouldn't have rejected the opportunity to be his human tissue, anyhow.*
(*Author's Note: It's lines like this one that will get me nominated for
"Most Tasteful Writer" at my own award ceremony. -Dimes)
"I ah, I ah, I ah, don't think I have any left in the tank," Timmy mustered.
"You do look amazing with a face-full of my arrive, Roxy."
"Ruby!" Ms. Mendel moaned, although her intent was a vicious scream filled
with sharp teeth and dirty looks. But the anger subsided when she returned
her sight to the brunette bombshell below her. While a large percentage of
Ren's face was covered by Ruby's mound, she could still faintly make out a
pair of closed eyes and a river of Ren's locks. Ruby often stared at the sky
and wondered if a cloud felt as soft as she imagined, but as she sunk her
fingers through Ms. Stevens' hair, she knew exactly how a cloud should
The bubbling began in Ruby's stomach. It was like one of those problems in
science class that Ruby could never figure out. The higher the velocity of
licking by subject A, then the faster the momentum grows in receiver, subject
B. If subject B's legs begin to spasm at a higher rate, due to subject A's
constant contact with subject B's c**t, subject B must achieve extreme levels
of pressure from subject B's whose-knows-its. Ruby couldn't tell if this sort
of problem was biology, physics, or whatever other Science class she slept
through. Her best guess was chemistry, because chemistry was something she
had with any beautiful girl chowing down on her quilted southern.*
(*Author's Note: This story is educational. -Dimes)
She would have fireworked (as was scientifically proven in the previous
paragraph). The sweet nectar would have slithered from a shaved
whose-knows-its to a mouth of another. They would have kissed afterwards,
too. Long enough for their tongues to make a knot and the arrive on Ruby's
face to latch on to Ren's skin. Then they would have thrown their arms
around each other and twisted until they collapsed on the ground and rolled
like Lincoln Logs from one side of the room to the other. And Jimmy would
have pumped his own piece of hard wood until the sweat from his palms became
his personal lubricant.
It would have all happened, but there was a knock on the door. Three knocks
that shook the bed, the desk, and Ruby's firework back into just the nervous
tingles in her tummy. Ren removed her grip, pushed Ruby away, and felt
several of her taste buds commit suicide after learning that they would not
be engulfed in Ruby's home-style syrup. Both girls just pulled themselves up
and threw glances to one another.
"Look, Jimmy, Timmy, it's your parents. Ah, we're leaving. We're sick of
hearing you complain, it's one hundred fifty-five degrees in this house, your
father just re-injured his leg because some mentally-challenged kid named
Beans thought it was a piece of Kentucky Fried Chicken; oh, and the pool is
actually an inflatable pool with its share of grass and dead flies, and well,
we just decided to drive the rest of the way home despite already paying for
the entire night," a slightly-screeching woman's voice piped in from outside
the door. "We would stay, but that Beans boys always ends up in the last
place you'd want him to-- like the toilet."
"Ruby, answer the door," Ren whispered, as she flapped her hands in the air
as if she was trying to manually cool the thick humidity from the room or fly
out of the open window.
Ruby nodded. Then she turned around. There was no need for Ren and Ruby to
vocally communicate. They shared secrets about makeup, shared clothes and
even shared a shower together. Heck, Ren even touched her on several
occasions, and after all of that, petty words were unnecessary.
Ruby knew the plan like her hand between her legs. Step one was to open the
door. Step two was to distract the parents long enough for the guys and Ren
to get out of the room unnoticed. Step three was to get Ren alone in a
bathroom and finish the nine PM snack. And she was about to take her first
step when Ren spoke barley above the chattering of Timmy's teeth. "Ruby!"
She turned around to face Ren. Ruby's B-cups followed the same spiraling
example and bounced as if they were nearly-ripped bags of Lays potato chips
attached to a ferris wheel. The two orbs hung on to her chest in such a way
that (had the circumstances been different) they would have caused Jimmy and
Timmy to raise more than their spirits. However, the nagging howl of their
mother and father outside the door caused their hopes and aspirations to go
"What is it now, Ren?" Ruby asked with her eyes widened like blue moons
drifting in a sky of smeared eyeliner.
"You're not clothed!"
"Oh my gosh, where are my clothes? Oh my gosh, my clothes. Where are my
"You told Jimmy to rip your shirt in half. Half of it is on the stairway and
the other half is probably floating in someone soup considering the way he
threw it near the kitchen."
"That does sound like something I'd say. I don't even have a shirt?"
"You have plenty of them, three blocks at your own house. Let's just hope
that the police aren't patrolling the streets when you walk home flashing all
the neighbors. Including kind Mr. Boperberry."
"Oh, Ren settle down," Ruby said, as she placed her hands on her waist. "I
know the police, it's not like they're going to arrest me; that'll be the
last thing on their minds. The problem is that I don't have any shoes and
it'll hurt like a monster on those rocky sidewalks."
"You want shoes? I'll give you shoes." Ren said, as she bent down to pick
up a pair of sandals off the ground and curved her arm back in a pitching
"Ren, settle down, oh my gosh, just chill. They'll hear us."
"We already do hear you," the screeching tone of the mother said from beyond
"Fine, where's my skirt?" Ruby asked.
"You threw it on Beans' head and told him to get out when he snuck in. Then
you said that Beans is proof that humdinging with a female human being and a
male ferret can only lead to pudgy kids who look like they're constantly in
a metamorphic state between human and sasquatch."
"That's not true Ren," Ruby said as she crossed her arms just below her
blooming buds housing hard nubs. "I would have never said `metamorphic state
between human and sasquatch.'"
"Fine, you said that he looks like a pregnant, malformed German Spaniel who
"That's better, Ren. You should stop putting words in my mouth."
"There's been more than words in your mouth tonight, Ruby," Ren said. "You
know, if you wouldn't have ditched me to talk to Dexter all night, none of
this would have happened."
"Ren, you're the one who introduced me to Chest-hair Henry and Spunktastic
Spike, remember?" Ruby figured, as she pointed towards Jimmy and Timmy.
"Kids? Brown-haired girl? The tiny girl who looks like Barbra Streisand? I
know you're in there. What's with all the panting?" the mother asked. "Are
you working out in there?" (5)
Ren jerked her head to a nearby nail-less computer table, and the robe
hanging over the edge. She threw the robe to Ruby before saying a word.
Ruby draped it around her shoulders, and tied it quickly. The light turquoise
robe had been a permanent fixture of Ren's body for the past year. For the
brunette, it fit smugly around her waist, hung to the bottom of her ankles,
and concealed the separation of her two upper-skin mountains. Nonetheless, on
Ruby, the robe dragged on the floor and didn't do a thing to hide slope of
her budding teething-toys. Even those gifted with the worst eyesight could
make the round shape protruding from Ruby's chest.
"How do I look?" Ruby asked, as she fluffed her hair.
"Well, let's just hope there isn't a breeze in the hallway."
Ruby nodded her head, grinned and turned.
"Whaaaaaaaat Reeeeeen?" Ruby whined, as she stomped her foot on the floor.
"You got Timmy's unborn children slip-sliding down you face."
"Dangit, I knew I felt something drying and cracking," Ruby remarked, as she
wiped off the freeloading youngsters from her sweaty complexion on the robe's
arm. "Now, am I ready?"
"You're great! Never better, Pubs!"
"I mean Rubs."
"Is Rubs really any better of a nickname, Ren?"
"We have a situation here, Rubs, Pubs," Ren said. "Tubes..."
Ruby smiled and breathed in. She still stunk of man fluids, and whatever
was left of her mother's White Shoulders perfume (that she applied before
visiting the Stevens Manor). Her hands contained the same fragrance and when
she cupped them over her mouth, it smelt like an 11-year-old boy's locked
bedroom, after the 11-year-old boy discovered the bra section of the Macy's
catalogue. It caused her eyes to water. The only place that did not carry
the smell was the spot between her legs. Oddly enough, it had been the one
place devoid of a male.
Then Ruby thought of her mother. She had to have noticed Ren and Ruby gone.
Though the thought soon parted from her head, Ruby imagined her mother
marching down to the Stevens Manor right as she spoke. But, for now, she
focused on her current problem, and secretly prayed for there to be no
surprise doorbell rings.
After a quick evaluation of her body, Ruby attempted step one again. With
her best foot forward, she took that step, felt the constraints of her
undergarment still circled around her ankles, and fell to the ground while
releasing a banshee's scream. While the underwear caused her to trip, her
foot caused the fabric to rip. And as she wallowed on the ground and rubbed
her knee, she lifted the robe up to see her torn, white, lace drawers.* She
kicked them off and flung them across the room. "Those things cost forty
dollars," she mumbled.
(*Author's note: I sincerely apologize for not using the term "s*****d
p*****s" instead. -Dimes.)
Ren began to teeter over to console Ms. Mendel, but she stopped and lifted up
her own purple underwear to prevent any other careless undergarment snafus.
When she finally reached Ruby, and bent down, the blonde shook her head.
"Ruby, are you okay?"
Ruby pulled herself up using the wall, opened the door, and limped out of the
At first the conversation between the parents and Ruby could vaguely be
understood by Ren. Sometimes a "what" and a "hmmm" could be uncovered.
However, just as quickly as it began, the sound diminished into a muffle,
until footsteps turned from loud bangs to a baby's tap, and Ren heard a
By the time Ms. Stevens whipped her body around, Timmy's stiffness returned.
And after Jimmy lost his own stiffness, he found it again in the purple
string that Ren Stevens constituted as an undergarment. That thin layer of
material snuck between both of Ren's romper-room cheeks, kept its cover and
never reappeared. There were just two round shapes remaining. And had they
been bubbles, they would have been blown by a man three times their size to
make that behind so expansive.
"What are you boys staring at?" Ren said with a shake and battering of her
II. "Yes, Ms. Lovelson, I Understand that if You Combine One Substance with
Another Substance You'll Get a Completely Other Substance. That's How I Was
This wasn't the first time that week that Ruby had been locked in a room
with adult authority figures. The Monday before, Ms. Lovelson arrived late
to their parent/teacher conference due to an apparent bedbug warning at her
apartment (the exterminators informed the black-rimmed-glasses-wearing
teacher that she could stay home during the day, but they warned her "that
at night the bedbugs might bite"). Ruby rushed into the classroom and noticed
Barbara (or Babs, as her bridge club like to refer to her as) Mendel already
sitting in the Science classroom with hair looking like singed spaghetti,
tapping her left foot and staring at her daughter.
"Are you listening to what Ms. Lovelson has to say, Ruby? You can't neglect
your education like this. What's gotten into you? I wish it was sense. A `C'
grade? Three `C' grades? What's going to happen to you when you need to know
how to use parallax to determine a distance? Who you gonna cry to then?"
Ruby didn't know what a parallax was, or what a single lax was for that
matter. And instead of recalling a definition found on page three hundred
twenty of the "Science for Unpopular Children in Modern Living" textbook,
she just kept rubbing her own Country Crock-smooth thigh. There was a
small prickly stubble of leg hair that reminded her of the unfortunate
ramifications of waiting long periods to shave her legs. Ruby made a
resolution on that moment. She would never procrastinate on important
"Ruby?" her mother pleaded. "Are you even listening?"
No, if she was to procrastinate, it would be on her homework and the several
experiments of pouring a red liquid into a blue liquid and finding out what
it had to do with a parallax. After all, could a parallax determine the
distance of her jumping out of the Science-room window?
Ruby thought the lecture about the test was also unnecessary. She had been
working on her test, and carefully filling in the holes with her chewed-on
#2 pencil when she noticed Peter Alonealot in the back row, rubbing his hand
over the bulge in his jeans. When Ruby peered up to his face, she saw that
his attention wasn't on Mandy Sanchez's disappearing bra or Monique Taylor's
chocolate-pudding skin muffins. His eyes were latched onto Ruby.
Ruby winked and made a gesture resembling an unzipping of jeans. Without a
moment to contemplate the situation, he popped out his other little peter. He
jerked his hardening slinky-dink and with each stroke his body vibrated until
Ruby lifted her skirt and revealed the female-and-male-approved butt cheek.
Seconds later, milky fireworks exploded onto the desk, the stool, the floor
and on his Levi's. Then Ms. Lovelson informed the class that time was up and
Ruby was left with eighteen scribble-less holes.*
(*Author's Note: Haha, if I could count how many times this happened to me in
high school! What a bunch of showoffs! -Dimes)
Ruby randomly jotted in the answers to the final eighteen questions. She
handed in the test, and Ms. Lovelson handed her a note a day later saying
that a meeting with her mother was paramount.
And the meeting caused Ruby's lips to curl and her underarms to release a
heavy unsure smell of underarm odor (had she been using Sure Roll-on, that
uncertainty would have been a certain defeat!). This same phenomenon occurred
again while stuck in the bedroom with Jimmy and Timmy's parents, but this
time was more severe.
III. Another Realistic Scene.
Confronted by Jimmy and Timmy's mother and father, Ruby kept reminding
herself that she only had to keep the parents occupied long enough for Ren
and the twins to escape. At least, that's how she interpreted the situation.
But the more she chatted with the parents, the longer she waited to hear the
next room's door open.
"Look, uh, uh, I'm sorry I don't remember..." the father said, with a
suitcase still in his hand and a glass of mouthwatering Minute Maid orange
juice in the other.
"It's Ruby," she answered with a smile, like the ones given away at McDonalds
restaurants for free (millions given away each day, or something!).
"Yes, Ruby, that's it, why can't our sons come out?"
"They can. They're very athletic. They could probably turn the knob all on
"Okay, good point. Then why won't they come out?"
"Why were they out of their clothes to begin with?"
"I didn't mean clothes, I meant, um," Ruby mumbled while twirling her hair
and um-ing like she did when Ms. Lovelson asked what a parallax was. "Tires?"
"They're changing tires?" he asked with his brow raised into seven rungs.
"I'm gong to see what's going on," the mother answered as she slapped the bed
and stood up.
"No!" Ruby screamed. As Ruby pushed the mother back on the bed, her robe
(which was already loose) unraveled. The belt untied and careened to both
sides of the high-school student. Both sides of the outfit separated and
her perky pair of flesh muffins found a kindred soul with the shaven
whose-knows-its mound that was seemingly made out of Aunt Jemima pancake
"Ruby, what kind of business is being run here?" Jimmy and Timmy's mother
asked as she took the glass from her husband's hands. Several gulps later,
the mother concluded with an "ahhhhh."
"It's a bed and breakfast."
"And what's your position at this bed and breakfast?"
"Um, Satisfaction Manager."
"And what do you do as the Satisfaction Manager?"
"I manage the satisfaction of the guests, but..." Ruby said as she licked her
upper lip and kicked the ground around her feet. "I have other positions as
Ruby fell to her knees. While lightweight (an attribute that allowed her to
lay on just about anything), this time her body created a bang on the floor
that shook the house and moved the furniture three inches to the left.
Ruby dipped her index and pointer finger between her legs and pried her rosy
(Continued in part two...)
1. This is one of the infamous rejected story lines conjured up by a Disney
Channel Executive for the alleged fourth season. Producers nixed the idea
saying, "How do we go from a show, that before, was about stuff like Ren
feeling depressed because she got a C in shop class, to a show about Ruby's
sexual awakening?" Upon reading the script, Christy Romano, who starred as
"Ren Stevens," also objected by stating, "The show is only 22 minutes long,
but this episode has a close up of Lauren Frost touching my butt for 16
minutes. And the other 6 minutes aren't completed; it just reads `things will
2. Almost 40 percent of all Lawrence High students fail Science at one point
or another. Ruby shouldn't feel that bad. In this story alone, 50 percent of
all students in Ms. Lovelson's Science class didn't pass. I don't think she
will feel that bad, considering she doesn't really exist.
3. Another scene taken from a forth-season script. A Disney intern once heard
the following statement from a closed-door meeting: "But Lauren Frost's ass
will expand Even Stevens' demographic; we'll be selling it to another
4. 55 percent of all men who admitted to watching the Disney Channel in 2002
said they watched "Even Stevens" without pants. Of those people that were
surveyed, 40 percent of them were parents who admitted to watching the show
with their children. And the other 15 percent were liars.
5. Lauren Frost actually toured with Barbra Streisand (playing a young
Barbra) during Streisand's farewell tour in 1999/2000. There has been no hard
evidence unearthed, despite rumors, that Frost and Streisand shared "private
lessons" where clothing was prohibited. It was thought to be contrived by
someone within the Disney corporation for reasons unknown.
In order to better understand the story, I have included a partial list of
terms accompanied by their definitions. Refer back to this list when unsure.
Arrive, Firework - The peak of sexual excitement, characterized by strong
feelings of pleasure. Also called climax or orgasm. May also refer to the
ejaculation of fluids by the male, or female.
Arrived, Fireworked -Verb form of "firework" and "arrive."
Bagel, Muffin, Cinnamon Rolls - Either of two milk-secreting, glandular
organs on the chest of a woman; the human mammary gland. In this story,
"muffins" usually refers to the breasts on all female characters, but Ruby.
Ruby, because of her Jewish heritage, has bagels.
Christy-Romano, Romper-room - The buttocks, the anus.
Ding-a-ling, Humdinger, Slinky-dink, Wowzer - The male organ of copulation in
higher vertebrates. Also known as a penis.
Ding-a-linging, Humdinging - Sexual intercourse.
Lauren-Frost - The quality for condition of being perfect. Also known as
Light-switch - A person considered sexually promiscuous. Also called a whore.
Little-men - A viscous whitish secretion of the male reproductive organs.
Also called semen.
Ticker-tape-parade, Whose-knows-its - The passage leading from the opening
of the vulva to the cervix of the uterus in female mammals. Also called a