Author's warning: This is a parody. By parody, I mean not that it is a parody
of "Late Night with Conan O'Brien," but that it is a parody of Internet
erotic fan fiction. It really isn't supposed to be erotic, just humorous, but
if you're turned on by it, that's your problem. I don't own Late Night, so
please don't sue me- I love the show, I'm not trying to hurt anyone. I also
don't own Conan O'Brien, Kim Cattrall (in fact, I picked her out of a hat),
or Ann Coulter, and I'm not trying to diminish any of them (except that
Coulter bitch). This story features male-female sex, male-male sex (don't
worry, we don't see much of it), consensual sex, non-consensual sex, female
dominance, masturbation, sexual violence, non-sexual violence, and
pseudo-bestiality (it's kind of hard to explain).
Conan O'Brien: Late Night Lechery
by Quass Debonair ([email protected])
From NBC Studios in New York-
It's Late Night with Conan O'Brien!
Tonight, from HBO's Sex and the City, Kim Cattrall!
and right-wing pundit Ann Coulter!
With Max Weinberg and the Max Weinberg 7!
Now, here's your host-
(Conan comes out to the usual polite applause. He does his patented "string
dance" for the crowd, and we hear female voices screaming in response.)
Conan: Please, please. Keep cool, my babies. We have got such a great show
tonight... I've never said that. Seriously, we do. We have a very talented
and sexy actress... Kim Cattrall is on the show tonight. And, you know her
from her bestselling books "Slander" and "Treason"- Ann Coulter is on the
show tonight. And, as always, Max Weinberg and the Max Weinberg 7!
(Max and the band play "Midnight Rambler" as Conan makes his way to his
Conan: Well, we've got a lot to do tonight- but there's one thing that we
really need to discuss- our announcer, Joel Godard, is in Hawaii right now.
You see, he's in Hawaii because it's the only state where he can legally
marry Toshi, his favorite Asian male prostitute. We've hooked up a satellite
camera so we can witness this historic event- are you there, Joel?
(We cut to Joel and Toshi. The camera shows them only from the neck up.)
Joel: You bet, Conan!
Conan: So, what's the ceremony going to be like?
Joel: Ceremony? We got that over with an hour ago. Now we're up to the really
(The camera zooms out to reveal that Joel and Toshi are both naked. Joel is
sporting a ten-inch erection.)
Joel: Come on, Toshi! Daddy's hungry!
(Joel starts having gay sex with Toshi. Cut to Conan looking horrified.)
Conan: Oh my God!
(Cut back to Joel and Toshi. They're still going at it. Then cut back to
Conan: I don't get paid enough for this. We're going to take a break,
everybody- Kim Cattrall's coming up next!
Conan: We're back, everybody. You know my first guest as Samantha from HBO's
Sex and the City- please welcome Kim Cattrall!
(Kim comes out to "Let's Talk About Sex" in a slinky blue dress. She walks
to the couch and sits down.)
Conan: Well, it's great to have you on the show again, although I really
feel the need to apologize for that last bit- I really don't want it to set
the tone for the entire sho-
Kim: Oh, don't worry, Conie boy- it has, it has.
(Kim rips her dress off, revealing her tits. She jumps on Conan and, despite
his 6'4" frame, manages to pin him to the top of his desk. She madly kisses
him as he struggles to get free.)
Conan: Kim, please... I don't want to lose my virginity on live TV...
(Kim unbuttons his shirt and works her way down to his fly. She carefully
opens it, and pulls out Conan's fully erect penis. It's three and a half
inches, tops. She starts shallow-throating him, and he moans in ecstasy.)
Kim: Okay, Conie boy, now let the mistress show you how it's done...
(Kim pulls down her panties and lays astride Conan, violently thrusting. She
does this for about five seconds until Conan ejaculates inside her.)
Conan: We're going to take a break, everybody; Ann Coulter's coming up.
(Conan and Kim are dressed again, but their clothes are totally disheveled.)
Conan: Okay, everyone, Ann Coulter's coming up next, but I've been informed
that we have a very special surprise guest- in fact, even I don't know who
it is. Let's bring him out here.
(The Masturbating Bear comes out onto the stage. He immediately starts
violently rubbing his diaper as "The Sabre Dance" by Aram Khachaturian plays
in the background.)
Conan: Well, it's our old friend, the Masturbating Bear.
(The bear continues masturbating.)
Conan: Uh, bear... bear... Uh, could we get someone to stop him? Those guys
from the zoo haven't worked for us for several years...
Kim: I think I have a solution...
(Kim walks up to the bear and slowly slips her hand into his diaper. The
bear stops pleasuring himself, and intently watches her. Kim brings out his
18-inch bear penis and starts deep-throating the bear. The bear starts to
quiver with his orgasm- but then he breaks away from Kim Cattrall and starts
Conan: Well, he's certainly taken matters into his own hands... Ann Coulter's
coming up next!
(We return from commercial. The bear has departed.)
Conan: Well, you know our next guest from her best selling novels- I mean
books Slander and Treason- let's give a warm welcome to Ann Coulter!
(Ann Coulter comes out in a Nazi uniform to "Deutschland uber Alles". She's
holding a whip and a nightstick.)
Ann Coulter: This show is disgusting! I'm going to bring some punishment to
the people behind this!
(She hits Conan on the head with the nightstick, knocking him out. She then
moves over to Kim Cattrall.)
Ann: Surrender, bitch!
(Ann Coulter starts to whip Kim Cattrall mercilessly. After she's done, she
removes her Nazi uniform, revealing that she wasn't wearing underwear. She
pulls down Kim Cattrall's panties and uses the nightstick as a double-ended
dildo. Kim Cattrall screams in pain as Ann Coulter fucks her with a grin on
Ann: That's it, slut.
(After reaching orgasm, Ann removes herself from the nightstick and turns
her attention to Conan, who has just started to revive.)
Ann: Okay, Conan, time for your injection.
(Ann removes the nightstick from Kim's pussy and pulls Conan's pants down.
She prepares to shove the nightstick into Conan's butt, but just before she
does so, the Masturbating Bear sneaks up behind her and rips her head off.)
Conan: That's it for tonight, everybody... I'd like to thank Kim Cattrall
for being here, and Ann Coulter for nothing. Goodbye, everyone.