These characters do not belong to me but to Robert Tapert and Renaissance
pictures, David E. Kelly and David E. Kelly productions/FOX and Bright,
Kaufman and Crane productions through Warner Brothers studio. This story
is solely for free distribution on the net and is not intended for profit
in any way.

Summary: If Ares is alive and well in the modern world so Aphrodite must be
too. So how does she pass her time? Here's one idea...

Rating R

Ally McBeal/Xena Warrior Princess: With Loves Eyes (FF,magic)
by GoolCaptain ([email protected])

Ally stepped into the elevator, shaking the rain droplets from her hair.
Great, just great, the one day she had an appointment with the cutest guy in
the universe and she had to arrive looking like something the cat had left
outside because it couldn't bear to drag it in. She hurriedly started to fix
herself up in the mirror, glancing at her watch in near panic. She was late
and by this time Elaine would probably be straddling her client on the
conference room table. He wouldn't fall for her of course, he would see
through the act in a moment. Wouldn't he? After all he was man, a witty,
intelligent man with big shoulders, blue, blue eyes and perfect cheekbones...

Ally shifted uncomfortably, getting a little moist as she thought of him,
her nipples hard and aching. This was it, she realised, this was the one.
She wasn't going to mess this one up, she was going to go in there and tell
him like a liberated, self-confident professional woman to throw her on the
floor, rip her clothes off and give her his babies.

Or she was going to babble and throw up. One of the two.

"Sorry sweetie, he's already married."

She hadn't noticed the woman in the corner before. In fact she was pretty
sure that the elevator had been empty when she'd stepped aboard. Yet there
she was, a blonde so stunning she made Georgia look like the sister plain
Jane kept locked in the attic for fear of frightening the neighbourhood
children. She wore a business suit but in a manner that was somehow more
cover-of-Playboy than Wall Street Week. She was loaded with more jewellery
than Tiffany's, all of it in a strange seashell motif. Her voice was a cross
between 'Moon River' and a $10 a minute sex line.

"Uhh, excuse me?"

"My boy Cupie, the client you were just getting the panties-tickle about.
He's married, has been for a couple of thousand years."

Ally blushed. If someone had pointed a gun at her head at this moment and
demanded she speak she still couldn't have strung a syllable together. She
decided to look in the mirror and studiously avoid eye contact with this
woman who was obviously so crazy even Cage and Fish wouldn't take her case.

"He asked me to talk to you because he says your hide is so thick his arrows
can't pierce it. Although looking at you I'd say it was more like you were
such a slim target he kept missing you."

Ally's mouth dropped open. She shut it with a conscious effort and
surreptitiously elbowed the emergency stop.

"Oh look, this is my floor" She stepped out quickly without looking back.
"It was nice meeting you..." The doors closed behind her "... And next time
I want to be tortured I'll get a wax job you crazy freak!"

She had her first piece of luck that day, the other elevator was already
there and open. She stepped in and motioned to the woman by the buttons.

"Eighteen, please."

"I know, sweetie, I know exactly where you're going."

Either she had an identical twin or Ally was losing her mind. At the moment
the latter seemed a much more likely prospect.

"You should be flattered, last time I did this was for this incredibly horny
little red haired cutie, a cartoonist in New York, fell in love with her
colourist. What a sourpuss he was..."

She darted out, losing her copy of Cosmo in the door. She made it to the
stairwell before looking back, relieved to find she wasn't being followed.

"Are you A, an incurable romantic, B, young at heart, C, a wounded lovebird?"
She stood at the top of the flight, airily ticking off the magazines' quiz.

"How about D, a barking loon?" asked Ally. She closed her eyes and counted to
ten. She opened them with the reluctance she normally reserved for her credit
card bill. Yes, she was still there, idly filing her nails with this month's
free gift.

"Oh well, back to the medication" she thought, "At least Al Green never
insulted me".

"You ready?"

"Who...what are you?"

"Who? So many names. I've been toying with Venus lately but you can call me
Aphrodite. What am I? I'm the answer to all your prayers Ally, I'm here to
find you true love."

"You don't run a dating agency do you?"

"In a manner of speaking, although you mortals have been really stingy
with your offerings lately. There's Valentines' Day of course but it's so
commercial now it makes me feel all groady inside."

"You, you're the love goddess?"

"The one and only. C'mon Ally, if you believe in unicorns the goddess of love
shouldn't be a problem"

Ally took a moment. "I'm conversing with my hallucination" she thought,
slightly panicked, "And she's making sense!"

"Are unicorns real?"

"Oh yeah, but that's not important right now. We have your one true love to

"Billy?" A sudden dawning realisation hit her between the eyes. "Am I dead?"

"No, wrong Olympian, that was big bro, Hades. Although now that he's dead
I've no idea what happens when you pop. Still, I guess we'll all find out.
At least you will, I intend to live forever."

"That's nice for you" Ally rarely did sarcasm well but this time she
succeeded admirably.

"Listen, you little ingrate, death's a big deal when you're immortal, even
with all your technology you guys only have to worry about four score years
and ten."

Ally decided it might be a bad idea to make a goddess/psycho mad. She changed
the subject. "So it wasn't Billy?"

"Zeus no. If you ask me you had a lucky escape there"

"Thanks... I think" Ally suddenly realised they weren't in the stairwell
any more. They were in the middle of the office with the normal flurry of
secretaries and researchers flitting to and fro. Ling gave them a glance
as she went by, puzzled by their sudden appearance. A sudden thought struck

"It's not Larry is it? I never cared for Detroit."

"Don't know, have to do the test first."

"What do you mean? What test?"

"Ally who are you talking to?"

"Uh, Richard this is, well, she says she's..."

"Ally, people who refer to themselves in third person are often referred to
in third person by others and it's usually not complimentary. That's a
Fishism. Bygones".

"RICHARD!" Ling screeched as only she could.

"Coming, my little bundle of junk bonds."

Ally turned to her new companion as he walked away. "That was weird."

"What he said?"

"That's always weird but what I mean is he didn't even try to look down your

"Oh that, I'm invisible, only you can see and hear me." She watched Richard
and Ling disappear into his office, raising a perfectly plucked eyebrow. "A
knee pit devotee and a wattle fetishist, cupie sure can pick them."

Ally grabbed Nell by the elbow as she strutted past. "Nell, can you see who's
beside me?"

"Why of course I can, Ally" Nell sounded condescending but what was new?
Ally breathed an audible sigh of relief. "Good, that means they're crazy and
I'm not."

Nell put her hand out into empty space and mimed shaking hands. "How do you
do, Harvey?"

"Tell me she marries a wife beating alcoholic" she asked Aphrodite as Nell
pranced away.

"With VD" 'Dite assured her. "Eventually she founds a woman's refuge and
marries the janitor. They have the cutest kids."

Ally laughed out loud "I'm standing here in the middle of the office, talking
to myself and everyone is staring at me. If you'll excuse me I have to phone
Tracey, right now."

Aphrodite reached out and connected to her hand to Ally's, then to Nell as
she walked past again.

Suddenly they weren't in the office any more. Ally found herself sitting in
her office chair, a naked Nell on her lap. Nell groaned deeply as Ally slowly
inserted her hand into her tight slit and bunched it into a fist, Nell's
juices lubricating her fingers, making their passage all the easier. Nell
shook and trembled as if electrocuted as Ally rammed her hand back and forth,
her fingers disappearing deep within the gorgeous blonde before her, Ally
sometimes allowing it to come the whole way out before jamming it back in
again. Nell's legs spread wide as she grunted and screamed her unending waves
of pleasure, her tits giggling up and down wildly in front of Ally's face. In
the midst of it all she noticed that Nell's hands were chained together.

Then they were back in the office again, staring at one another, open

"What the...?" Ally began.

"....fuck!" Nell finished. She darted away, a little afraid, looking
backwards over her shoulder as she ran.

"How...?" she asked 'Dite.

"Consider it a gift. This is how you'll find your true love."

"I'm...not gay" Ally asserted with an extreme lack of conviction.

"Guess you've run out of reasons to platonically kiss all the women around
here" observed Aphrodite as Georgia left. "I knew a girl like you once, it
was always, 'Oh this is just mouth to mouth resuscitation', or 'I'm hiding
from my enemies under the water of a hot tub' or 'I'm in the land of
illusion'. More denial than the Cairo delta, I tell you. Ally have you ever
considered that the reason that you can never find that perfect guy is that
guys aren't really your thing?"

Ally blushed but didn't contradict her "I always thought John..."

"Is your soul mate, not your love. You love each other and he'll be the
father of your children but not your great romantic love."

She made for her office but was waylaid by Elaine and Mr Wonderful. She
wondered if you could get drool stains out of thousand dollar Italian suits.

"Don't worry Ally, I've been keeping him entertained". Elaine hung on his arm
like a wolf to a deer's leg. Ally decided two things. One was that Elaine was
a wanton slut, the other that she was jealous of her. She gave Mr Edible her
best come hither glance and he returned it with a smile that sent her weak at
the knees.

Then he winked.

Not at her, at the illusion at her side. Mr Jumpable was winking at the
product of her unconscious mind.

"He can see you!" she whispered conspiratorially.

"That's my boy!"

'D touched Ally's hand again and linked her to Elaine.

The blonde secretary was face down over the desk, the tip of the formidable
nine-inch strap-on dildo Ally wore already pressing between her ass cheeks.
Ally finished lubing Elaine up with her fingertips then put the jar to one
side and grabbed hold of Elaine's hips. She thrust herself forwards and with
an almighty howl from Elaine speared her, the blonde secreatary's anal ring
reluctantly flowering open and admitting Ally's fake phallus entry. Ally
struck up a smooth rythmn, leisurely fucking Elaine's ass whilst giving her
thigh a series of rapid spanks with one hand and alternately stroking her
clitty and playing with her nipples with the other. Elasine came with a
screech and then just lay there limply, allowing Ally to fuck her to her own

"Wow" said Ally, returning to the office. Elaine, stared at her then hurried
away, her hand's protectively clasped over her shapely ass as she did so. "So
this is how I'll know?"

'Dite nodded. "Yep. When it's right, you'll just know."

She guided Ally unresisting over to the unisex. "This is it."

"This is what?"

"On the other side of this door is the love of your life."

"In the bathroom?"

"Hey, the banks of the Seine, the top of the Empire State, they've all been
done. This is the nineties you know."

"Actually this is the year 2001."

"You mortals and your arbitrary time measurements. Anyway, the love of your

Ling came out. Ally looked at her then took Dite's hand and stroked Ling's

She stared into those beautiful dark eyes as she fucked her, thrusting her
hips angrily back and forth, fondling Ling's tits as she own rubbed against
them. Ling put her own hands behind her head in a gesture of utter surrender
as she arched her back towards Ally, bucking her pelvis up to meet each of
Ally's thrusts, the nine inch strap on Ally wore straining her cunt to almost
breaking point.

"Oh God, Ally fuck me, fuck me!" she begged, her beautiful face flushed
with effort, sweat trickling down it. Ally gave a wicked grin and gave her
exactlty what she wanted.

They parted and she was back in the office again. Ling looked at her, her
breathing slow and shallow. She reached out and gently stroked Ally's hand.
With a look of almost regret she turned and walked away, looking back a
little and giving Ally a slight wave which she returned.

"I always suspected..."

"Suspected what Ally?" asked Renee exiting a cubicle.

Ally was struck dumb. She threw 'Dite a glance and was rewarded with a shrug.
Still holding Dite's hand she reached out and slid her hand up a startled
Renee's thigh.

And then she was on her knees, nuzzling, kissing, biting and licking a naked
Renee's wonderful big breasts whilst simultaneously finger fucking her.

"Oh Ally, oh,oh, OH, OH!" Renee wailed spreading her legs as far as they
would go and clutching Ally's head to her chest "OH GOD YESSSSS!"

"You have the best tits in the world!" Ally told her in the moment before she

They were back in the office. And Renee was still in her arms.

"You'll be home later?" Renee asked her breathlessly.

Ally nodded. She leaned forwards and gave Renee an affectionate peck on the
cheek before they parted. Maybe tonight was a good night for a sleepover?

The toilet flushed.

The door opened.


"I know" Ally didn't need to let Aphrodite finish. The truth was right there
in front of her. It always had been.

"Know what Ally?" Georgia asked.

Ally took Georgia's hand then Dite's.

She was between Georgia's legs, lapping and licking, relishing in the sweet
blonde's juices. She could feel Georgia's hands on the back of her head,
urging her on and on. "GOD YES ALLY, GOD YES!"

Georgia ground her pelvis up towards her and shrieked in ecstasy as Ally
very, very gently took her clit between her lips and bit it ever so softly
between her teeth. She came again like a volcano as Ally delicately sucked
on her sensitive little nubbin....

Back in the office she and Georgia gazed into one another's eyes with utter
devotion. Georgia sighed contentedly, the pair embracing, not caring a whit
who was looking at them.

They kissed again. Cupid appeared by his mother, still clad in his elegantly
tailored suit. He shook his head in admiration.

"Respect, mom. I just don't know how you do it."

She gazed at the lovers and smiled a smile that gladdened the world. She
pointed to herself with a perfectly manicured index finger.

"Because I'm the LOVE goddess, baby. L, O, V, E goddess!"

* * *

"She can't love me. If she does, what's wrong with her? Apart from the whole
control freak thing I mean. What if she only sees me as a project to reform
and then discards me when she's finished? What if I end up a lonely, drunken
old man scaring the neighbourhood kids with my snake connection? What if I
end up with Janice? Will Janice even take me back? What if she preferred
Ross? Christ, I'm paranoid. Who wants to end up with a paranoid? God, how I
loathe myself! I've got to finish with her before she finishes with me,
that's the only way!"

"Mr Bing?"

"Wha...wha..what?" It was his new secretary, the one who looked like a
blonde Wonder Woman before she did her twirly thing. Chandler forgot about
his inadequacies and concentrated on her chest.

"She didn't prefer Ross, who could?"


She took off her glasses and perched herself on the edge of his desk.
Chandler had had this dream before but this time something was different.

"You're going to be with Monica, stud. The love goddess has decreed it."

"I ..." it occurred to Chandler they weren't in Kansas anymore. Nor were
they in his office. Their surroundings looked suspiciously like Monica's
apartment, a suspicion confirmed by the presence of numerous coasters.
Monica's voice rang out from her bedroom. "Rach, is that you?"

Chandler did his best impression of a rabbit caught in the headlights but
'Dite was having none of it. She pushed him towards Monica.

"Come on, loverboy, the love goddess is on the clock here!"


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